}

Jewish Wedding Traditions

Sent to me by my friend shmice, a hilarious err… explanation and exposition of various Jewish orthodox wedding rituals. Who knew Chabadniks could be funny!!

My friend got married last week. According to the Jewish custom the newlyweds have to be accompanied outdoors by a Shomer (guard) for the first week of marriage. Now it is not my job to meddle into the private affairs of others. Especially if I am not receiving a salary for my efforts. However I feel that it’s ridiculous for a man married less than a week to be using an escort service! Moreover, this practice is blatantly adhered to with the consent of the bride!

The friend of mine who got married is a good friend of mine. Whether or not our relationship will continue to prosper is up to his wife. There are many things they can do together in which I cannot be a participant (in most States). For example, I will never harbor enormous hatred towards his in-laws. My friend and I will never engage in an alimony dispute. Nor will we ever battle in court over child-custody.

I concur that my tone rings of pessimism with a side dish of fried-delusion. (Baked-delusion always sticks to the tin-foil.) But the blame does not rest on my stressed shoulders. Rather it is the fault of yet another bizarre tradition that is enacted during Jewish wedding ceremonies. First, at the outset of the wedding, the mothers of the groom and bride express their innocuous joy by smashing a glass plate. Why do they smash a plate? Because fortunately, the chandelier is attached to the ceiling.

Of course when the two mothers come together and break the plate it’s only the second time that they have formally met. Their initial official get-together is at the engagement party, where they have the opportunity to size each other up. After they’re satisfied with one another, they break the first of several unlucky glass victims. Not to be outdone, under the wedding canopy the groom graciously stomps his foot and smashes a glass cup. In some circles, the bride will then blow up her cell phone with sticks of dynamite.

In light of the destructivity of Jewish wedding practices, Macys has issued a religious bridal-registry. These are a few of the unique suggested items: (1) Large salad bowl- to be hurled off the roof of wedding hall.( 3) Matching sets of crystal pitchers- to be tied to the back of the bridal limousine. (7) Wine glasses- to be placed precariously smack in middle of the dance floor.

The obvious question is: why is there an abundance of glass-breaking conducted at Jewish wedding celebrations? I have searched high and low and under my bed and found an old pair of sneakers and two possible explanations. 1) Jewish weddings are meant to be very proper. Shards of glass are a simple deterrent for those wishing to arrive barefoot.

2) Although the groom and the two mothers are the ones breaking the glass, it’s actually a clever ruse organized by the bride. Later on in life, her husband is bound to return home from a hard day of toll booth attending. He will be particularly frustrated that evening, having dealt with countless morons driving through the “exact change” lanes with fifty dollar bills. The sight of his dinner, grilled cheese on a plastic plate, will only exacerbate his mood. “This is why I married you? TO BE SERVED JUNK ON PLASTIC?!” To which his wife will look up from her romance novel and reply with equal fervor “Don’t complain to me about the plastic. I WASN’T THE ONE WHO BROKE ALL THE GODDAMN DISHES!”

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Publisher at Jewlicious
Founder of Jewlicious? Publisher? Man I hate titles. I coined the name Jewlicious and I slave over the site. I live in Jerusalem and I need to get some breakfast.
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5 Comments

  1. Stenis le Menace

    8/14/2004 at 2:30 am

    CK is a smarter man than I, so I asked, in all humbleness and ignorance, is ‘destructivity’ really a word?

  2. eevee

    8/14/2004 at 12:52 pm

    From The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition, Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company:

    de·struc·tive ( P ) Pronunciation Key (d-strktv)
    adj.

    1. Causing or wreaking destruction; ruinous: a destructive act; a policy that is destructive to the economy.
    2. Designed or tending to disprove or discredit: destructive criticism.

    de·structive·ly adv.
    de·structive·ness or destruc·tivi·ty (dstrk-tv-t) n.

    Google has over 4,800 references to the word destructivity. Yes. I was surprised as well.

  3. Stenis le Menace

    8/14/2004 at 2:15 pm

    Like I said, CK is a smarter and more eloquent man than I. With a stunningly, ummn, like, more better vocabulary than I could ever hope to obtain and stuff. Hopefully this will provide some constructivity for all.

  4. eevee

    8/14/2004 at 6:35 pm

    I looked up constructivity at dictionary.com and got his result:

    No entry found for constructivity.

    As for ck’s eloquence, he tends to use too many run on sentences. His vocabulary seems to be based on a pathetic attempt to garner approval, or evoke his own enlightenment and education. Very little of it seems to be based on a desire to communicate effectively. If ck is your gold standard then you must be a complete toad. Are you a highway toll collector?

  5. Stenis le Menace

    8/14/2004 at 10:09 pm

    Well, I don’t think I ever said that CK was my gold standard; merely that he was more eloquent than I am. I’m also not sure that eloquence and the ability to communicate effectively are in complementary distribution. I pulled a page out of your book and went to dictionary.com:

    el·o·quent (adj.)
    Characterized by persuasive, powerful discourse: an eloquent speaker; an eloquent sermon.
    Vividly or movingly expressive: a look eloquent with compassion. See Synonyms at expressive.

    I notice nothing in the definition that takes effective communication to be any part of eloquence. Nonetheless, point well taken as regards the run on sentences. As for my job, well, I’m afraid I’m a notch lower than toll collector. And I think ‘toad’ fairly well captures the intellectual AND aesthetic properties of most of the people I’m ashamed to call my colleagues.

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