}

What If I Get Blowed Up? 10 Final Statements.

I am at Gate G03 in Viena’s International Airport – on my way to Tel Aviv. Yesterday a bus carrying Israel teenagers on vacation in Bulgaria was blown up injuring 27 people and killing 7. Fingers are pointing at either Iran or Hezbollah as the perpetrators, but that doesn’t matter much to me right now. One of the analysts interviewed expressed concern that this might be the beginning of a terror campaign. This does not sit well with me because Bulgaria isn’t that far away. Also, thanks to former Austrian Premier Bruno Kreisky, Vienna has been spared terror attacks in exchange for silently allowing the shady networks of financiers and gun runners to operate freely in Vienna. See? Friendship with Arafat has its benefits. But a deal made with Arafat will mean nothing to either Iran or Hezbollah. Austria thinks it’s safe, and security here is decidedly lax, making Vienna, and thus me, perfect targets. So. What if I don’t make it? What if I get blowed up? As my plane hurtles towards a fiery and in all likelihood fatal crash, what will I be thinking?

1) Mom, Dad? You were right. You were always right. About everything. Had I listened to you, I’d be in Canada practicing law, married with children, safe and sound and not dead. Sorry.

2) Damn. I really should have told her that I liked her. Why am I such a wuss? Now she’ll never know and I never got to even hold her hand. Mind you, she could have shot my ass down too, so… yeah. Shut up wuss.

3) I am so going to miss my sisters, Sandy, Tanya and Tiffany. I remember when I flew to Paris for my first big boy job. I still remember how much Tanya and Tiffany cried and cried. It’s an image that is seared into my brain. I hope they don’t cry too much at my funeral. I should have been a better brother.

4) Speaking of family, man they are all going to be devastated! Why didn’t I visit them more often!? That way they’d know what a jerk I really am and then maybe they wouldn’t feel so bad! Jerk.

5) And what about my dear friends? Look, I could tell you that I lived my life to the fullest and I have no regrets so please don’t be sad. But really, I will miss the shit out of you guys. And it’ll suck because I know, I know I could have been a better friend.

6) I should have studied more Torah. Bad Jew ck! Bad Jew!

7) Why did I never learn to play a musical instrument?

8) OK so some of you may know that I am a vegetarian. Not because I am some kind of Patchouli stinking hippie but as a matter of principle resulting from the stupid Rubashkin affair. I always said I’d eat meat if I was there when the animal was slaughtered. Only then could I make sure it was done in a proper manner and only then would I appreciate the gravity of the sacrifice. Well. In 8 years I never did that. Now I will never taste the grilled deliciousness of tender lamb shank again. What? Not every regret has to be deep and meaningful!

9) I should have done more. There was no reason to watch all those bad movies and TV shows. I should have read more. I should have worked harder on my math homework in High School.

10) Sorry to all the people I disappointed. Please, please, please forgive me! If you don’t I will seriously haunt your fucking dreams. I will.Don’t test me!

Ok. That’s my top-ten list, written in a rush at an airport terminal. If you were about to be blowed up, what would your list look like?

My flight leaves in a few minutes. Stay tuned and wish me luck! Oh and one more thing: Fuck you Terrorists!

P.S.:Made it home ok. Phew.

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ck

Publisher at Jewlicious
Founder of Jewlicious? Publisher? Man I hate titles. I coined the name Jewlicious and I slave over the site. I live in Jerusalem and I need to get some breakfast.
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15 Comments

    • tiff

      7/19/2012 at 10:45 am

      stop writing this sad stuff.

      • ck

        7/19/2012 at 12:26 pm

        Sorry Tiffy. I love you! Don’t be sad!

    • joanne ginsberg

      7/19/2012 at 11:57 am

      You gave an extremely funny response to my so annoying question. I am married to a man who speaks a few languages and he says I am annoying when it comes to correcting him. Sorry for responding like such an idiot. I live in Jerusalem and once walked out of a bakery on rechov yaffa and it blew up about five minutes later….my baraka’s were still hot. I did take the time to read what you wrote….have a great summer.

      • ck

        7/19/2012 at 12:09 pm

        It’s all good Joanne. I love the English language and would never fault anyone for being machmir on grammar, let alone a fellow Jerusalemite! Question: Did you eat the borekas after? I hope you did because otherwise the terrorists would have won.

        • Joanne Ginsberg

          7/19/2012 at 12:40 pm

          yes me and my husband ate them and cried. They were wet and soggy from my tears but I was hungry.

    • themiddle

      7/19/2012 at 2:48 pm

      After a fucking decade on this site, you don’t even mention me in your final note?

      Plus, did you think about leaving some of us the key passwords which we’ve never wanted but would need in this kind of situation?

      • ck

        7/20/2012 at 1:39 am

        Buddy. You and Muffti count as both “friends” and “family.” Good idea about the passwords though…. Morbid as fuck but good. And yes. It’s now 8 years! Wooo!

        • themiddle

          7/20/2012 at 8:45 am

          8 years. No wonder I’m burned out. 😉

    • barry techner

      7/20/2012 at 11:41 pm

      Tuesday- MK Ben Ari makes public spectacle of tearing up Bible consisting of Tanach combined with New Testament- all written by Jews who believed to be conveying G0d’s Word to HIs people

      Wednesday- homocidal massacre of Israelis in Bulgaria

      Just a coincidence perhaps, although prayer for G0d’s continued protection and not thumbing one’s nose at G0d’s Word might not be a bad idea, especially if you represent the government, whether Israel or America.

      • themiddle

        7/21/2012 at 1:46 am

        I think they got blown up because the day before somebody kept writing the word god with some weird spelling in the middle letter.

        Admit it, that’s at least as logical as your premise.

    • MarcH

      7/27/2012 at 12:14 am

      Wow, you are a wuss. .

      • ck

        7/27/2012 at 3:17 am

        Yeah. I’m a total wuss. I said as much.

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