By the LORD
Jeremiah, go forth and call out to the ears of Jerusalem, saying, “Thus saith the LORD: I remember for you the lovingkindness of thy youth, the love of thy newlywed days, when thou followed me in the wilderness, in an unseeded land, by which I mean following in a literal sense, and not merely on Twitter, as is thy wont.”
Forsooth, Jeremiah, the people are in dire need of remonstration, but the emotional distance their online habits create had only made their return to Me more difficult. I warn thee that they shall mistreat thee when thou makest attempts to separate them from the teat of the Internet.
What seeest thou, Jeremiah? Yes, an almond branch – thou seeest well, for the g’matria of the word “almond” in the Holy Tongue, shaked, is 404, by which I indicate their merits are Not Found. The Error 404 of their ways has made them distant, and connectivity cannot be restored without swift retribution against those who disrupt the signal. As the prophet Hosea before thee demonstrated, the people are likened unto a disloyal wifi network administrator who removeth the password protection and alloweth anyone at all to gain access, in the manner of a harlot.
What else seeest thou, Jeremiah? Correct: a simmering pot, facing north. From the Norton shall the evil begin upon all the inhabitants of the land, for when the antivirus software fails, as it will, none shall be spared. I have appointed thee My messenger to speak these things unto the people, but I warn thee that they shall not heed thy warnings; thy prophesies of doom will be sent directly to their spam folders, as the wayward people continue to use idolatrous apps and exploit the downtrodden content creators. They shall flame thee and block thy account and mute thy threads. Fear not, however, as I am with thee. I shall make thee into a steadfast firewall that none shall deactivate, an iron pillar that acts as a wireless antenna and transmitter, sending and receiving My messages that none may jam.
For My people have committed two sins – they have forsaken the rich content of My site to code for themselves unsuitable environments that cannot contain the articles, videos, sound files, and memes. They have gone after the worthless spambots, phishing bots, and general uselessness of social networks and become useless. Thus saith the LORD: Candy Crush? Really?
Enjoy more original content at PreOccupied Territory. On Facebook at End The PreOccupation and Twitter at @POTerritory. Also, please support our work through Patreon or face accusations that you suppress freedom of expression. You goddamn fascist.