sure, it looks cute now, but thats cause its not biting YOUR nipples

The aforementioned alien child with his in-the-Airforce Abba.

I don’t understand why anyone would do this more than once.

The first time, ok, you didn’t fully realize what you were getting into. But I know otherwise sane people with multiple children.

Chana Leah, fortunately, is on her first. Being one of my closest friends, I spent the first few days after birth with her on the mystical musical moshav of Modiin, and I’ll tell you, adoption never looked so good.

As cute and sweet as the little thing was, it just further emphasized my notion that babies are little more than miniature alien creatures who first invade your body and then co opt your entire sexual self and turn it into a utilitarian breeding and feeding machine slightly less effective than a farm animal.

Most of your adult conversations start revolving around thier digestive system, and you think it’s all made worth while when they smile at you, but really, it’s just gas. Somehow, through days, weeks, and years of systematic sleep deprivation, you slowly become convinced you love this selfish devil/alien who sprang forth from your womb and sucked your former self out through your breasts.

Plus they’re expensive, and they stink. People tell me that at any moment some combination of hormones will hit me and I’ll be cooing along with the rest of the pod people, but I just don’t see that happening any time soon.

I believe in Jewish peoplehood and all, but this is asking a little much, don’t you think?

That all having been said, Mazel Tov Chana Leah and Tzali! I’ll see you again tomorrow at the Brit.

Update: The name was announced today; Eden Yiftach. Welcome to the world little man.

About the author

Laya Millman

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