}

Amy, Amy, Amy…

Dear Amy,

I heard you’re getting married.

I must admit, Amy, I’m a little dismayed at the news – I know this is normally the time for a chorus of “Mazal tovs” and that insufferable song frummies like to sing about the cities of Judah and streets of Jerusalem, but I have a couple of minor objections. First and most pressing, your fiancé, the similarly ironically-named Blake Fielder-Civil, looks like something a refined person might disgorge after consuming a pint, three White Russians, shrimp scampi and the spunk of someone with a CB callsign by which he insists everyone refer to him. I know what you’re thinking – “Bashert!” – but first listen to my second objection: you should be marrying me.

Hear me out, Amy. Ever since I’ve heard you rake your voice down the back of “Me and Mr. Jones'” horn chart, ever since I’ve heard a young Jewish girl namecheck Ray Charles, Donny Hathaway, Sammy Davis Jr. and Slick Rick all in the space of a few songs, I’ve been hopelessly in love. You’re like Billie with range, or Macy with timbre. You’ve got more sass than an old-fashioned root beer. You complement Ghostface better than RZA does. Your liquor cabinet is much better-stocked than mine, and your stash doubtless more potent. You should be my woman, Amy.

Sure, there are a few difficulties involved, but I’m flexible. I know you have an epic appetite for the hairier sex, and I understand you need fresh lyrical material, so I promise not to get between you and whatever you drag out from under the bar stool after last call. You don’t even have to think about me when you come. I’d prefer you didn’t, actually – mixing affection and orgasms always ends with someone crying.

In fact, our relationship could be entirely non-physical. A careful study of your lyrics has led me to the conclusion that once something has passed the event horizon of your navel, no known force in the universe can keep the singularity ‘twixt your legs from rending it asunder (“Whoa-oh, here she comes, she’s a man-spaghettifier…”). Also, given your apparent propensity for combining semi-anonymous sex with heavy drinking, you’ve probably got more clap than a Barbra farewell concert. I’m far too lethargic, and my micturition far too liquid and painless, to contend with the demands you place on cocks that fall into your orbit.

Really, Amy, all I want to do with you is get sloshed, burn spliffs, listen to Coltrane and render shrieking judgment upon the sober, non-tattooed, Gucci-toting masses whom you so viciously eviscerate. We could make a life together like that, Amy. We could be happy.

Think about it, Amy. And think about how awful “Amy Winehouse-Fielder-Civil” will look on your checks.

This post brought to you by:
Amy Winehouse – I Heard Love is Blind

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and
Ghostface Killah & Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good

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(cross-posted from Kosher Eucharist)

Latest posts by michael (see all)

29 Comments

  1. Chutzpah

    4/28/2007 at 10:33 pm

    I hope her Daddy makes her go to rehab before she walks down the aisle.

  2. EV

    4/29/2007 at 1:36 am

    “Upstairs in bed with my ex-boy
    He’s in the place but I can’t get joy
    Thinking on you in the final throes
    This is when my buzzer goes”

    Not to put too fine a point on it, but she’s thinking of me.

    And she always will be, Michael.

  3. David Cohen

    4/29/2007 at 2:02 am

    What the fuck is this crap?

  4. julie

    4/29/2007 at 8:26 am

    i cannot listen to the studio version of “back to black” (the song). it is so drab compared to this version:

    youtube.com/wa...

    sicksicksicksicksick…

    billie with range indeed. viva la winehouse!

  5. ofri

    4/29/2007 at 10:36 am

    cheer up. if they even get married, they won’t stay married for long.
    but more importantly… seriously? amy winehouse? this from the person who prides himself on having taste superior to those of pretty much everyone else on the planet? i’m underwhelmed.

  6. Grand Muffti

    4/29/2007 at 10:44 am

    Good call. Amy Winehouse is (ironically) one of the most metal chicks ever. Absolutely brutal. If y’all get married please invite the Muffti out whenever she plans to get drunk and heckle Bono!

  7. Balaam's Donkey

    4/29/2007 at 12:38 pm

    Michael,

    As of reading this post, I now feel the same way about you as you do about Amy Winehouse.

    You, sir, are a genius.

    I can’t believe anyone on this site could ever suggest that you’re a bad writer.

  8. Chutzpah

    4/29/2007 at 7:09 pm

    ” mixing affection and orgasms always ends with someone crying” – Grammy winning song lyrics…someone set that to music!

  9. DeisCane

    4/29/2007 at 7:44 pm

    She’s a shanda. I hope she takes Blake as her last name so people don’t think she’s Jewish.

  10. Chutzpah

    4/29/2007 at 8:10 pm

    DesiCane,
    Would you still say that about her if she took some of the money she’s making with her record sales and donated it to the Outreach Organization of your choosing…I highly doubt it.

    Now where did I put my fuck me pumps?

  11. michael

    4/29/2007 at 8:22 pm

    Ofri – would I like her as much if she wasn’t a boozy Jewess? Perhaps not. But I’d still like her.

    Muffti – How’d you know about the plans for the reception?

    Balaam’s Donkey – between your dubbing me as genius and your revelation that you are a fellow admirer of the flesh-eating oeuvre, you may just be my new favorite semi-anonymous Jewish blogosphere personality.

    DeisCane – right. We should all aspire to be Avrum Fried. Shiny shoe music doesn’t make me want to reverse my circumcision at all.

  12. DeisCane

    4/29/2007 at 9:16 pm

    What does Avraham Fried have to do with this tramp? She’s a drunk, covered in tattoos, who’s reportedly skipped out of rehab and is a general embarrassment. So she has a soulful voice and that should absolve her ridiculousness?

    Outreach organization? What does that even mean? If she donated it to the clean herself the fk up fund, that’d be enough for me.

  13. EV

    4/29/2007 at 9:38 pm

    So she has a soulful voice and that should absolve her ridiculousness?

    Pretty much.

  14. michael

    4/29/2007 at 9:42 pm

    So she has a soulful voice and that should absolve her ridiculousness?

    Uh…duh. Is music an exercise in ethnic loyalty and moral uprightness for you? Most people who actually love music tend to look not at musicians’ personal lives, but at their musical product. This is why we revere albums made by people who had more heroin coursing through their veins than actual blood, or albums made by people who eat LSD like Skittles, or albums made by people more consistently stoned than an early Christian. Look through your CD collection. Guaran-damn-tee you, at least 2/3 of it was produced by people terminally fucked up on something.

    It’s not just music either, ya know. A cursory examination of classic literature reveals a great many booze, coke and opium-addled literary greats. Art too!

    So if you’re going to saddle up Nancy Reagan’s high horse and denounce Amy Winehouse for being a drunk, I recommend you discard all your albums and books and fine art touched by the sinister black hand of drug use. Enjoy your bare walls, empty bookshelves and Greatest Hits of Yossele Rosenblatt.

    You probably shouldn’t read my posts, either. God knows I was high when I wrote this one. And stop reading this comment, because I’m drunk.

  15. michael

    4/29/2007 at 9:53 pm

    Oh, and lest I forget, I also have tattoos! Why are you even bothering to debate? I’m so clearly below you.

  16. themiddle

    4/29/2007 at 11:00 pm

    The performance in Julie’s comment (#4) is, as she puts it…sick.

  17. DeisCane

    4/30/2007 at 7:08 am

    I don’t care what they do in their personal lives, but she’s made hers public.

    Meanwhile, you continue to take shots at me, while I’m focused on her.

  18. julie

    4/30/2007 at 9:10 am

    themiddle (comment #16):

    um, just to clarify – did you mean “sick” the way i meant it? as in a compliment? or did you mean it as a diss? just curious…

    btw – did anyone catch amy’s appearance on the brit tv show “nevermind the buzzcocks”? i know most of that stuff is scripted but i tink she came up with some of her lines on the stop. a sassy yiddishe kop, that amy!

    in case you missed it:
    part 1: youtube.com/wa...
    part 2: youtube.com/wa...
    part 3: youtube.com/wa...

    yes, she was piss drunk but she was so damn funny… i loved her katie melua comment! haha – classic.

  19. themiddle

    4/30/2007 at 10:54 am

    Compliment, Julie. I am an admirer of the young lady in question, though not of the tattoos. This isn’t the first mention of Winehouse on Jewlicious. jewlicious.com...

  20. rootlesscosmo

    4/30/2007 at 12:01 pm

    this chick owes her career SHARON JONES & THE DAP KINGS!!! just saying.

    that and she’s foul.

    but her album has some heat.

    either way she’s foul though.

  21. julie

    4/30/2007 at 12:11 pm

    rootlesscosmo:

    yes, she is def. foul. and a skank. but she can sing. and i’m sorry, sharon jones and the dap kings are not all that. just my opinion.

    themiddle:

    thanks for the clarification. and yes, i know that this is not the first time amy’s been mentioned on jewlicious. i’m only a newb in comments, not reading 🙂

  22. Chutzpah

    4/30/2007 at 12:44 pm

    Everybody show some respect …she could mature into the next Barbara Streisand 60 years from now. Our people needed a new Jewish Songstress Diva who can belt it out like Lauryn Hill.

    I strongly suspect her whole “skanky drunk” image is just “show business”. She must have worked very, very hard accomplish what she has so far. Letterman, Leno and Craig Ferguson are no small gigs. More importantly, she’s appeared on the Jools Holland show on the BBC. That means she’s only one degree of separation away from Tom Jones and that means she ROCKS in my book.

    This video is right up there with the Alanis Morisette cover of “My Humps” as far as social commentary goes.

    youtube.com/wa...

  23. Jewish Mother

    4/30/2007 at 12:51 pm

    I get the joke, and it is funny.

  24. Chutzpah

    4/30/2007 at 2:18 pm

    JM getting down with You Tube…rock on!

  25. Ephraim

    4/30/2007 at 2:39 pm

    I have never heard her music, so I can’t comment.

    But to borrow a phrase from the tradition of our own esteemed Mr. Morrissey:

    Holy Mary mother of god, what a skank! I mean, Skank City. Skank-a-licious. Skankalooza.

    And can someone tell me why we need another Streisand? Isn’t one of them enough?

    I heard she sings well, though.

    Hate to think what the kids will look like. If Conan doesn’t feature this in his “If They Mated” routine, there is no justice in the universe.

  26. Jewish Mother

    4/30/2007 at 2:45 pm

    No, I did not open that link. I did not open the other link either. The joke was just that …Michael was going along with my suggestion that he find an assertive sort of girl … hee hee. This girl is not quite what I had in mind.

  27. Chutzpah

    4/30/2007 at 7:29 pm

    Open the link…open your mind…experience the world….

    We need another Streisand (and by that I mean a Jewish woman who sings like an Angel, NOT another liberal Jewess with shit-for-brains politics) because even if this one lives to 120, she ain’t got that many good singing years left.

    Conan sucks…watch Ferguson…he’s hilarious!

  28. Daniil

    5/1/2007 at 10:01 pm

    I just saw her in soho the other day. I come out of a shop and suddenly I see her and her fiance walking down the street in front of me and im like amy winehouse love your music. then i wanted to say mazal tov on your wedding but managed only to say congratulations on your coachella performance lol.

  29. Yael

    5/2/2007 at 2:06 pm

    Is she actually popular in America yet?

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