}

DEAR DANIELLE

Dear Danielle,

I left my hometown after highschool to attend college in another city, and shortly after finishing my sophmore year I met A.J., who later became my fiance. He grew up near campus as his father is a professor at our school. A.J. is very close to his family and although he no longer lives with his parents, he goes home to have friday night dinner with them every shabbat. They are not an extremely observant family, but they consider shabbat dinner with their family to be sacred. When I first met A.J. I thought it was so endearing that he spent every friday night with his parents but now that we’re engaged and planning our own life, I would like to spend friday nights just the two of us sometimes. A.J. tells me his parents will be devastated if we don’t continue to go there every week. How do I convince him that a few times a month is ok but that we need alone time too?!

Signed, “Too much family time”

Dear “Too much family time,”

Honoring one’s parents is a very important value.  As a couple you must find a way to remain close to both your families while embarking on a journey just the two of you – building your own form of an immediate family. A.J. is obviously scared of hurting his family, but he needs to learn to put you and him first. Suggest to him that one friday night a month will just be the two of you. Maybe sometimes invite his family to your place for dinner to reinforce that there is a new dynamic at play. It might not be possible logistically to celebrate every shabbat and holiday with his family in the future, and if all parties involved get used to this transition now things will go smoother later. And if they resent you for this minor change to schedule, then their true colors are showing through. Unfortunately, the stereotype of controlling in-laws can be true. I have a hunch though that they will be more understanding then you or A.J. think…

Danielle will answer your questions about family, relationships, careers, religion, love and life – write to her at deardanielle@gmail.com

Latest posts by danielle (see all)

196 Comments

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    Wrong Answer.

    He no longer lives with them, but they live in the same college circle of the same small town.

    Once a week is not too much in those conditions.

    They have the rest of the week – and an American Saturday+Sunday weekend – to themselves.

    If this gal is serious, she should go to her future in-laws every Friday until she and A.J. start their own home/family, or until they move to another town.

    Then you say “Oh, Mom, I loved your Friday night table, I’ll miss it – and I hope my/our own Shabbat table is just as nice”.

    And if you’re still in the area, you invite THEM.

    It’s telling that this post makes no mention of that…

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