}

A visit from Uncle Michael!

I know I may have expressed some misgivings about the character of my Uncle Michael, but it turns out that although he may be a little scruffy and disreputable (doesn’t he have an ima to give him a bath and a shave every once in awhile?), he’s pretty cool as uncles go. He says he wants to get me a piano so I can put those “jazz fingers” to good use (apparently I have long fingers?) – but I think it might be a little premature: my eyes only started focusing a few days ago, I’m still not sure what exactly I’m supposed to do with those “leg” things hanging under my belly, and Uncle Michael’s trying to get me to repeat after him this word that sounds like “Thuh-lo-nee-us”? I don’t get it! But he held me for awhile and he even sang me a song in Portuguese. I think he was hoping it would work as a lullaby, and maybe I did fall asleep eventually (it’s an active life I have!), but I understood the words. Like most bossa nova songs, it seemed to be about the virtues of dancing the samba. I don’t know why Uncle Michael is putting all this pressure on me. I can’t even hold up my head under my own power and he wants me to samba already?? I’m an Israeli baby, not Brazilian!

Speaking of lullabies, do you want to know what my Abba has been doing? Downloading lullaby versions of Cure albums! I know, I was surprised they made them too. Me, I don’t see why my Abba doesn’t think I’m ready for the real, full-on Cure. I wake up multiple times every night crying, I soil myself regularly, and my parents are so controlling that my room literally has bars around it – I’m totally in the Cure’s target audience! Give me some credit, Abba! Baby Tzofia wants some “Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me” without the glockenspiel!

But my Abba’s a little weird, I think. We were having a staring contest, and I lost because I saw something shiny, and you know what he did? He laughed and called me a loser! My own abba! Just wait until I start eating solid food, Abba. You’ll smell my revenge!

But really, other than that, it was a fun visit from Uncle Michael. I didn’t even cry hardly at all…well, except once. Uncle Michael came up to me and said, “Tzofia, ha’im avdah tikvateinu?” Oh, ha-ha, Uncle Michael! That’s so clever! So clever I’m going to start bawling! I’m only a week and a half old and I’m already sooooo tired of Israeli national anthem jokes. I can’t believe I have a whole life of these to look forward to, just because of my name. Can you imagine if your name was “Rockets’ red glare”??! Now you know how I feel.

Oh, and I hope everybody has been watching Heroes! It’s my favorite show – being able to telepathically patch in to all data networks means a steady stream of cribside entertainment when Ima and Abba think I’m sleeping. Abba may think Israeli superhero Hana Gitelman’s power is lame, but I’ll have the last laugh when I’m telepathically watching the Scrubs season finale hours before he’s done downloading it. But seriously, the last episode of Heroes was more awesome than a toy with dangling, multicolored rings, flashing lights and voice effects (and those are pretty awesome). Not only did my Hebrew homegirl Hana Gitelman make her series debut, Peter finally rocked his superpowers! It was such an exciting episode that I…well, let’s just say that if I could paint Abba and Ima’s future, it would have a lovely Impressionist rendering of a dirty diaper in it. Hey – I’m just a baby!!

And I guess you’ve all come to expect my trenchant commentary on the events of the day, so I’m going to bring your attention to the just-released statistics that immigration to Israel is down 9 percent this year! As the baby of immigrants, this concerns me. Do you fat, lazy Galut shtetl Jews think just because astoundingly cute sabras like me are born here every day, you can keep guiltlessly packing on pounds in your 4 bed, 3 and a half bath palaces in Exile? I’m spitting up right now. A spit-up of contempt. Israel is a special place. Make aliyah! Can your American baby telepathically blog, or does he just sit there like a lumpy sack of potatoes with regular bowel movements? I think you know.

36 Comments

  1. Pingback: My Home in Israel :: Tzofia says it all…. :: February :: 2007

  2. harry

    2/21/2007 at 3:42 am

    I can’t fault you for your bad memory, because you are a little over a week old but Michael’s Portuguese song made you cry Tzofia. It was only your Abba’s rendition of the Beach Boy’s “In My Room” that soothed your crying.

    I might be way off here, but I suspect that my little Tzofia didn’t actually write this entry. It’s oddly pro-Michael and doesn’t actually seem like her writing style.

  3. tzofia

    2/21/2007 at 4:12 am

    Give me some credit, Abba! I may be only a little over a week old, but I wasn’t born yesterday! I remember how these things went down!

  4. themiddle

    2/21/2007 at 4:41 am

    The brains clearly come from the mommy. 😉

  5. Steves Rick

    2/21/2007 at 11:31 am

    Haven’t you like, um, milked this thing enough already?

  6. harry

    2/21/2007 at 11:42 am

    Nobody puts my baby in the corner. Nobody!

  7. themiddle

    2/21/2007 at 12:01 pm

    Steves, go start your own blog. This one sticks to Tzofia for the next 18 years.

  8. Jewish Mother

    2/21/2007 at 12:21 pm

    If Tzofia is interested:

    The State of Israel on My Space (Ynet News)
    The Israeli Consulate in New York has recently opened a “space” for the State of Israel on the My Space website.
    The address is http://www.myspace.com/ state_of_israel.
    Israel’s space includes links to contemporary Israeli music and pictures of Israelis.

    (I haven’t looked at it.)

  9. Steves Rick

    2/21/2007 at 1:10 pm

    Yeah that’s what I’ll do, start a fucking dopey blog like this one.

  10. Esther

    2/21/2007 at 1:11 pm

    I do enjoy Tzofia’s posts. I’m just a little worried about losing freelance gigs to her.

  11. Jon C.

    2/21/2007 at 3:03 pm

    steves,

    why are Tzofia’s posts such a bad thing? perhaps you are jealous of Tzofia’s writing style or possibly the amount of love, pride, etc. Harry has for his new baby?

    does this stem from some problems @ home steves? the inability to conceive, perhaps not enough love as a child?

  12. tzofia

    2/21/2007 at 3:39 pm

    Yeesh! I’m incontinent and I don’t respect Steves Rick! I don’t know how you people have put up with him so long!

  13. themiddle

    2/21/2007 at 3:39 pm

    Yes Jobber, please start a blog. I’m sure it will not be as fucking dopey as this one.

  14. michael

    2/21/2007 at 3:47 pm

    Why should Steves Rick/Jobber/Aish Freak/whatever the fuck start a new blog? Why doesn’t he go back to his old one – you know, the one where he talks about keeping porn under the bed and being discovered by his kids jacking off into a T-shirt? Anyone remember that little gem? Solid blog gold!

  15. ramon marcos

    2/21/2007 at 5:17 pm

    I did find its ironics thats steves used the word “milk”.

    I’m guessing Tzofia’s response to that is “No, I haven’t milked it enough… in case anyone who happens to be PREPARING MY NEXT MEAL MAY WANT TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT, THANK YOU!”

  16. ck

    2/21/2007 at 8:28 pm

    Why y’all pickin’ on Steves Rick? I thought he was being rather clever with the whole “milking” thing. It may have in fact been one of his most clever posts. Stay as long as you like Steves. Don’t start another blog – we don’t need the competition.

  17. Chutzpah

    2/21/2007 at 8:44 pm

    Even I couldn’t top the t-shirt/excercise story!

  18. Steves Rick

    2/21/2007 at 9:47 pm

    Even I my ass.

    I’ll call the blog Babies Feh. Of course I was just joking, CK is the only one w/ any sort of smarts over here. The rest are all functionals. Anyway I don’t bother w/ blogs, I have web sites, one of them gets 40,000 visitors a month. I also race rocketships. To the moon.

  19. Jon C.

    2/21/2007 at 10:15 pm

    40,000 visitors a month, sounds like my mom!!!! or wait can i dis my own mother on here?

  20. themiddle

    2/21/2007 at 10:46 pm

    Jobber, I won’t allow the attacks on Chutzpah.

  21. Chutzpah

    2/22/2007 at 12:56 am

    Thanks Middle…keep up the great blogging little tzofy!

  22. Steves Rick

    2/22/2007 at 8:05 am

    Keep it up Middle. Just read it in the other blog silly, how can an attack be on something that a person publicy admits to? it’s a re-distribution of info is all.

  23. ramon marcos

    2/22/2007 at 12:13 pm

    Steves… wha? The milking thing. I got it. I tried to run with it. I felt it going somewhere and I… wanted badly to go there with it. Milk… babies… I saw it too, man.

    So please, don’t lump me in with the rest of those… those… those “functionals”. I’m as dsyfuntional as anyone. Moreso than ck. Who has yet to thank me for sending that Nina Simone link.

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