One of the things you have to do when you’re a Jewish baby blogger is to familiarize yourself with the Jewish blogosphere. The blog roll on Jewlicious certainly proved to be quite entertaining. For instance, Uncle Michael’s blog, koshereucharist is reflective of a man who seems deeply, deeply disturbed. I’ll find out for sure today when he comes over to play. What’s funny is that apparently women are supposed to dig his brand of obscure musical references, dark, pessimistic world views and an affinity for substance abuse. This Jewcy blogger even wants to be his girlfriend!! Mind you she did list Jewlicious as her second fave blogcrush so maybe she’s not totally insane. What’s also funny is that I’ve been now referred to as “bitch” by two bloggers. That’s got to be some kind of record…
Another thing I’ve been doing to entertain myself is by looking through blogs not (yet) listed on Jewlicious. Despite my telepathic superpowers which allow me and other Israelis to blog, I can’t really get around yet on my own and check out the country I live in first-hand. Israel of course, has no shortage of media coverage, especially when it comes to riots and terrorism. Those media leeches getting drunk at the American Colony Hotel in Jerusalem need to justify their expense accounts after all, otherwise it’s off to Iraq or West Africa or other horrible places that are actually difficult, dangerous and uncomfortable to report from. What these journalistic degenerates produce does not seem to reflect the reality of my immediate environment. I have yet to see Ima and Abba feast on Palestinian children for instance.
Consequently I’ve been poking around the Internet looking for the inside scoop on Israel. One of the sites I came up with is called zabaj.com. Much to my surprise, it seems that Abba writes for this blog too, although I didn’t find anything in there that he had written. Judging by Zabaj (an acronym for zevel ba bagaj – junk in the trunk), Israel is a funny and goofy country, that abounds not only in Milk and Honey and superior firepower but also in malapropisms, mispronunciations and just plain old goofiness. Thanks to Zabaj, my new favorite word is Chakalaka which is Hebrew slang for siren. Not to worry though – when I do finally get around to actually being able to speak a word, my first utterance will be, for obvious political purposes, either Abba or Ima, depending on who I love more. Either that or “Gimme some hummus from Ta’ami!!” Till then, whenever I suddenly laugh you’ll know it’s because I am thinking of the song posted on Zabaj – La chakalaka, la chakalaka, ya no puede ×ž×¡×ª×•×‘×‘
How’s that for obscure Portuguese music Uncle Michael? Am I hip? Can I go on your birthright Israel trip now? Zabaj is the brainchild of Jacob Shwirtz, the machine behind blufr and the guy who dances funny in whereinisraelisjacob.com.
Israel is supposed to be the National Homeland for the Jews. Given everything I have seen so far, you would think that Israel wouldn’t be so much goofy, but rather, I don’t know… sinister? Apparently the Jews are supposed to control everything – this is due to some very secret plotting with cabals and elders and neocons and something called AIPAC – I don’t have all the details, I’m just a baby. But there is one site that deals with the Jewish control of, well, everything, that continuously cracks me up. It’s called, appropriately, Jews Control. Here you can find out fun stats like “There is a 98% chance that you are Jewish – 54 of the United States are 87% Jewish or more – There has never been a Jew drafted by the US army – 99 out of every 99 local delis are Jew-owned – The average hourly wage of a Jew is $97,000 (Hello Abba? Time to pimp my baby carriage maybe?) – Percentage of Jews who think the Iraq war has been â€œgreat for businessâ€: 100% – Percentage of Jews who think the snow has been â€œgreat for businessâ€: 100% – Percentage of Jews who say â€œgreat for businessâ€ at least 10 times a day: 100% – Last year the Jews weren’t in power: 6,000 BC – Number of computers owned by the average Jew: 16.” I also found out that JewWatch.com is run by the Jews, Jews are going to build condos next to the Temple Mount, Jews have been creating hate sites on the Web for centuries, etc. etc. I thought that this site, which was created while I was still in Mummy’s tummy, was going to be a short-lived joke site, but its owner Plez, just keeps coming up with stuff all the time! No. I am way too cool to be offended by this and as long as Plez keeps cranking this out, I’ll keep laughing. That’s ironic laughter, right? Am I a hipster yet?
Given that Jews are just so fucking cool and all-powerful, it’s no wonder that gentiles now wish to pose as us. Nowhere are the trials and tribulations of a goy poser so well demonstrated than in the blog titled Not Chosen, Just Posin’. Here we are subjected to the adventures of fakejew who works for an independent, family-run Jewish publication somewhere in the North Eastern US. His employers and co-workers all think he’s a yid and he hasn’t told them differently because I guess he needs the job to pay for his rent and for all the drinking that he does. He may not be a real Jew but he kvetches like the best of them!
I hope you enjoy all these blogs and I hope that that bastard ck finds the time to add them to his much vaunted blog roll. Certainly there are many other Jewish blogs that are worthy of consideration – as for the rest, they are irrelevant and I will continue to ignore them, just like everyone else. You know who I’m talking about…
Until the next time, this is Ayin L’tzion Tzofia! And yes, my shit don’t stank.