Velkom to our great nation, Meester President, Barak Husseniovich!
Houw do you laik ar kantry? Eees it better zan last taim you vere here?
Oh, what happened last time you were in Russia?Â Is it that you were detained for three hours without a passport, probably because you have an Arabic middle name, but more importantly, because you are black?Â It’s ok, we don’t just hate you.Â We hate all black people equally. And Jews.Â We’re professional Jew-haters. Â Especially that Vicki chick.Â Who does she think she is, being both Russian AND Jewish. AND writing little witty bloggings about how being Russian is funny.Â Disgusting. A disgrace to the motherland. Being Russian is never funny. Just Weighty.Â Anyway, that was all in the past, and now you have the money and power we are interested in. We’ll probably still sell weapons to Iran and mess around with other Middle Eastern countries, but so what! Let’s talk! Davai!
The limit for warheads would be in a range of 1,500 to 1,675 each. However, there are disagreements on what to count.
Meester Obama, please allow us to count three-for-one.Â It’s like a sale, only it benefits us!
First, you’ll need to meet with the psuedo-president.Â That’s right.Â Shake hands with him.Â It’s one of the things he’s trained to do.Â He can also sign executive orders for more ballpoint pens in the Kremlin and takes pictures of little Russian children with ice cream cones.Â During his day, he reads Danielle Steel.Â Also, he drank copious amounts of Goldschlager, took out the foil, and put it around all the items you see in this room today, to really bring out the light in the Russian flag.
Oh, you brought your family?
And a skeleton crew from the Gap?
Madamabama and Sasha and Masha, too?Â Well, we will have to find something for the ladies to do while you are in boring meetings about having US troops fly over Russia en route to messing up Afghanistan further.Â Maybe they can go to a Russian playground.Â They might get tetanus, but it’s totally worth it!Â National betrayer Vicki grew up on such playgrounds, and she never got hurt once!
And for Madamabama?
She might decide to meet with the First Lady, Svetlana Medvedeva.Â If Mobama decides to look like a mango lassi, then why shouldn’t Svetlana Vladimirovna also dress up as food, in this case, a wedding cake?Â Obama Husseinovich, rest assured that your wife is well taken-care of in our country.Â We know how to treat our women right.
While you are in town, and since you seem to have taken an interest in socializing practically everything except the lint in your citizens’ underwear, we though you might like to practice being a real socialist. We have a great photo-op for you, tovarisch!Â Davai!
Hope you enjoy your stay in our country.