Dr. Janice Bennett is a clinical therapist, relationship coach, love coach on Jewish dating site JMatch.com and good friend of Jewlicious. I once proposed that she ought to cast a critical and professional eye upon some of the Jewish bloggers who blog about relationship issues. This is the second posting in this realm. I figured it would be fun and enlightening. What the hey, it’s all in good fun and we get to be exposed to expert advice. Did I already mention that Janice often writes for Cosmo? Anyhow, without further ado…
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Blogging, especially about one’s romantic endeavors, got a big boost the other day when the New York Times printed the first-person account of Heather Hunter and her virtual, and then actual, romance with another blogger, the Musician. Heather blogged her romance with Musician as it was “therapeutic, relatively safe and vastly preferable to, say, slashing [his] tires.”
While I found Heather’s romantic travails interesting, and quite well-written, I myself have been engrossed in the blog of “Annabel_Lee,” a young Jewish woman living in L.A. (just as another blogger whose blog I analyzed), who bemoans her single status and is actively looking to become un-single.
In reading her blog, Annabel_Lee describes an active social life where she has many opportunities to meet single men — e.g., at friends’ parties, shabbat dinners and shul events. She has a profile on JDate and posts about her “JDates” on her blog. For example, she described “JDate No. 523” as someone she decided to meet in person after a few emails and phone calls and “gave him a chance” by meeting him in person, even though he was not as religiously committed as she. And B#1 lived in a city far enough away that he could use the distance to collude with his commitment phobia. Sadly, I suspect Annabel_Lee didn’t see either of these dead-ends coming.
Unfortunately, Annabel_Lee is going about looking for Mr. Right without a “dating road map.” As a dating and relationship coach, I create dating road maps with singles so that their vision of the ideal relationship and life they want is clearly articulated. This dating road map is, in essence, your “ideal mate.” The road map’s “destination” however, is your “suitable mate.†Finding a suitable mate is accomplished by consciously dating to learn enough about who you’re dating to determine which qualities and attributes of your ideal mate are mandatory, and which ones are negotiable. Sessions with a coach could help Annabel_Lee to create and follow an individualized action plan to determine who to look for, where to search, overcome the dating obstacles she encounters, and to make healthy relationship decisions. All with the road map as her guide.
Perhaps Annabel_Lee did create something of a road map on her JDate profile, but I haven’t seen it, nor her picture. Instead, she muses,
I’ve wondered, often, if the man I will marry is someone I already know. Maybe he’s someone I met and forgot, and I wonder if we’ll ever figure out that we met before. Maybe he’s the guy who cut me off on the freeway, or maybe he’s the guy I prevented from making a left turn when I cruised through the yellow light. Maybe he’s the guy who walked into a party just moments after I left. Or maybe he’s out there reading this blog, thinking of me (the real me) and not realizing that I am the person behind the persona of ‘annabel lee’.
Although she has the support of other bloggers, Annabel_Lee is floundering in her search to find Mr. Right. Maybe if she keeps blogging about her relationships, she’ll get profiled in the New York Times too.
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Maybe we’re ALL just not that into her. Might it not be that simple?
I think that the Mufti makes a good point, but also an erroneous conclusion about what a “dating road map” is designed to achieve. I have found singles believing that finding a life partner to be exclusively based on romance and chemistry, which unfortunately means turning the whole process over to chance.
While I don’t demand that singles “buck up and settle for something second rate,” I do encourage them to identify and articulate their relationship needs, requirements and wants, which many have never given much thought to. What follows from that ignorance are singles who can’t recognize their future life partner, even when s/he is standing in the same room!
Alternatively, what happens is exactly what T.M. says, “People waste years because . . . their expectations were ridiculous and impossible to meet.”
“True love and enthralment” doesn’t have to be sacrificed when utilizing thought and reason. Believe it or not, dating in this conscious way can actually help set the stage for romance to happen.
Mr. Muffti, Janice’s advice is sage. I’ve seen people waste years because they either poorly defined who they wanted to marry or their expectations were ridiculous and impossible to meet.
‘Dating Road Map’? The muffti is amused, bemused and, consquently, in need of getting a little boozed. Thankfully, I found out on this blog that CK is nearby c’est soir.
Amused: One thing the Muffti has learned: people do not especially like the sick smell of desperation. And if they do, you should probably watch out for those people.
Bemused: The sad part about all this is that Janice’s road map seems to come to the following: ‘buck up and settle for something second rate [the destination] because your ideal is non-existent’ [the map itself? This is one tough metaphor to follow!]. While this is probably good advice on a merely statistical level, on a romantic level, I find it hard to believe that you will achieve the prospects of true love and enthralment with a mate that you consciously used a satisficing (rather than idealizing) solution to nab.
Boozed: The Grandmuffti’s immeadiate dating road map points towards the lower east side tonight with a drink in one hand and CK as a wingman. Here’s my official pre-L’chaim to all, both road mapped, road mapless and hooked up.
I can say with certainty that if Annabel Lee had a life/love coach like Dr. Bennett, Annabel Lee would not need a blog. If Annabel Lee had more direction in her dating, she would not have time for blogging. Please, Annabel Lee, get in touch with Dr. Bennett — FAST — so you spend more time living and loving instead of blogging!!!!
Man, am I glad I ain’t dating and that I don’t have a blog.