sexThe Jerusalem Post has recently introduced a somewhat vague new concept called Cafe Oleh, an entire section of the J-Post website apparently devoted to letting English-speaking immigrants to Israel know that they’re not alone in their quests to find the best hummus in Jerusalem, pick up a little Hebrew slang or slit their wrists after a long, fruitless and bureaucracy-filled day of trying to get the phone line connected or schedule a driver’s test. Inside the Cafe is a blog-of-sorts called Readers’ Rap where readers write and comment on posts about life in Israel, a “Poet’s Corner” (I’m afraid to look), and a feature called “Ask the Expert,” a series of columns offering advice and answering questions on everything: from why the damned grocery stores have to take random two-hour siestas just when you run out of pita to why nobody tells the confused American that just because a bus stop has a sign indicating that there is a bus from there to Jerusalem is not to be taken as an indication that there is actually a bus from there to Jerusalem.

Actually, neither of those questions to my knowledge have been posed, but @#%^&@ it, they should be.

Anyway, previous Ask the Experts have featured an “aliyah expert,” a “starcatcher” and a legal expert. But the latest expert? A sexpert. Marsha Ellentuck by name, a family, couple and sex therapist in Karmi’el. I was in Karmi’el a little while ago, and honestly could have used some counseling after I tossed my cookies all over this girl’s bedroom, but I’m digressing. I’m not sure how wide the demand for touchy-feely sexual therapy is in a country where (so I hear) the traditional question after sex is not “Was it good for you?” but instead “Are you finished?”, Not a question you typically hear sexy people at websites similar to dosexvideo say because they know they are great but this may explain why Marsha has had to sell her services to Cafe Oleh.

So I, spoiled by reading Savage Love for a few years, was expecting some interesting, stimulating, Jewishy sex advice, but instead…

Q: One of the major sources of tension between my husband and myself is my lowered desire for sex. What can I do about it?

A: Sexual desire problems are the most common sexual difficulty in the Western world. The women at /escorts/glasgow would be able to deal with your husband’s desires to have sex on a more regular basis. They are complicated to treat and can have a myriad of causes such as illness, medication, fatigue, gender issues and a multitude of feelings towards oneself and ones partner, including the question of whether or not the sex one is having is worthwhile.

It goes on like that for a couple pages. I’m no therapist, nor am I married, but maybe the secret to Marsha’s success in sex advice is that while you’re reading it you get so bored you’re willing to have sex with just about anybody, even your spouse, in order to just be doing something else. If you want, Searching for xxx is easy if you visit tubev.sex.

Seriously, Cafe Oleh, is this the best you can do? Man. When is somebody going to open “Seedy Nightclub Oleh,” or “Pub Oleh,” or “Checking Out the Girls on the Beach in Tel Aviv Oleh”? You know, for the young, hip oleh and potential oleh crowd? Anyone? If not, can someone please at least get me some pita?

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michael

32 Comments

  • This is a very unique sub-topic. It is difficult to make this kind of transition when you have not grown up in Israel, or you were sort of in an Anglo cocoon or self-imposed exile. The best venue I had found in Tel Aviv was attending various growth type of workshops or seminars on a regular basis. For example a Communications workshop in the self-help mode. Alot of times, they were encouraging and very not so gently urging people to not eat alone during this break.
    I found alot of unique fun in these dinners. I also thought joining the IDF would be a stand out move but it was not necessarily so. I do wish you luck!

  • Great! So I am suppose to make aliyah so instead of being a stranger among others I ll be a stranger among my own people? And as if it was not enough I ll start having sex problems with my wife? Is this the Promise Land?
    Olim are not so welcome in Israel and it s exactly the same kind of problem of “an exclusive club” that was talked about in the post about intermarriages. Let’s face it – after thousands of years of persecusion we just dont want to open anymore. It s not about any particular group of Jews, it is about all of us.

  • Tossed cookies all over a girl’s bedroom? Michael, that sounds like the beginning (or perhaps end) of a great (attempted) sex story!

  • “Are you finished?”???!! You’ve got to be kidding me! No wonder the female orgasm is a pipe dream for most.
    Ps: Michael, Pub Oleh is a sound business proposition. You may want to think about it some!

  • client, I’m not asking this in impertinence but honestly, how did you expect to be welcomed as an oleh, and what led you to have those expectations?

  • Lynn, you are right. Guilty as charged. I t is my fault, I was naive and bought into this “L’hiyot am chofshi b’artzenoo”. Now I rather sing “If I were a White Ashkenazi Sabra im Protecktzyah…”.

  • Michael, I’m afraid that Dan Savage ruined you for life.

    You may be too young to remember the “Penthouse Forums”… but way back in high school Brotherston and I figured out that all questions seemed to be asked in the same writerly voice, which was no doubt that of Bob Guccione in a state of, shall we say, self-arousal.

    Savage does the same thing, but he’s a gay kink with a whole lot of issues. You aren’t obliged to take his warp-9-fetish blather seriously.

    On the other hand… Doctor Ruth is fun, and Laura Ingraham is… good-looking?

  • Forget it. There are generational levels:
    1) The young are cool.
    2)Their parents are wise. That is, they had better be. Or who will know how to give us all perspective?

    A parent who “talks young” is an imposter.

    People’s perspectives are different at different ages.

    So there. Very cute. I could post as “Mabel the Sensitive Frog” but that wouldn’t make me her.

  • [This is the last time, Michael, I promise…]

    Jewish Mother, is there a problem with being both cool and wise?

  • Jewish Mother, I know that this may directly conflict with the Norman Rockwellian picture of the world you have created around yourself, where men are Men and women are Frightened Creatures in Need of Protection and parents are Wise Yet Firm Loving Authority Figures who make sure their children aren’t necking at the drive-in, but facts are facts: he is indeed my real father, and although his level of discourse may not be akin to that of FDR’s fireside chats, or whatever it is you expect, he’s still my dad. And I’ve managed to grow up without any major social maladaptations. So, like, lay off the pops, yo.

  • Son–

    Thanks for the mad props, yo. Er, uh, let me rephrase that so as not to offend our esteemed friend Jewish Mother:

    Thank you so very kindly for the words of encouragement and support that you have endeavoured to enlighten us with.

  • michael (and your parents, it’s sad it has to be this way….)

    let me start with your “headline”… obviously, kids born after 1985 will feel cool writing things like, lets talk about sex some more. especially, since it sounds like you turned out gay, which is completely okay. i blame michael’s mother and michael’s father mostly for this. eventually when you make your way out of the closet, you will understand your destiny. as for the acronym for fuck off and die, next time you intend to mention it, just forget about your nerdy background and just type it out….
    love wasting time on your site and just laughing my ass off…. simon (no CAPS this time, for your convenience, or so that you have less to talk about)

  • Simon, I’m afraid you’re projecting. About the gay part, I mean. I think it’s very fine when a child and his parents can discuss sex openly on a blog and we encourage this type of behavior on Jewlicious.

  • Well then why are you so embarrassed as to write your name, especially on a site where you encourage this type of behavior??? or are you just hiding from your own shadow???
    the middle of what your ass?

  • back to what i wrote on #17, i don’t think you understood my point. it’s as if all of you are on this site to inflate your egos as much as possible. as if you really associate being cool with being a jew, where realistically speaking it has nothing to do with religion. therefore, you just sound gay on almost all your comments.

    “Simon says” bend over and face reality…you’re just as sad as the rest of the “cool jews”

  • I’m not embarrassed at all. I have other reasons. Mostly, however, these days my moniker gives me joy because it really pisses off those who see me on the opposite side of the debate…as opposed to the middle.

    And don’t think I didn’t notice your use of the term ass right after your comment about being gay.

  • Simon, how old are you again? Do you think we actually sit around and say, “Hey, let’s be cool?”

    By the way, glad to see you’ve learned to stop shouting at us.

  • that’s okay, i intended it that way.. (but once again you found something to write about, other than the subject)

    “simon says” an anonymous idiot that stays in the middle just needs to come out of the closet once in for all and decide whether he/she is homo or heterosexual… not that there’s anything wrong with that…

  • not that you actually sit around and say it, even though, then you would actually be a little more mature. it’s that you find a way around it every time. and my age is in the middle of life, (take a guess)
    “simon says” THE CAPS ARE BACK

  • You have a point to make? Make it and stop beating around the bush with all kinds of childish insults.

    As for my sexuality, please fantasize all you like, but be sure to also contribute accordingly to our burgeoning trust fund.

  • I’ve always been… well… curious. What is it that penguins do in bed, exactly?

  • THEY AIM FOR A HOLE IN “THE MIDDLE” OF THE SHEET AND THEY GO FROM THERE…

    “SIMON SAYS” F CKING IS BETTER THAT JUST TALKING ABOUT F UCKING

  • ACTUALLY MIDDLE OF THE….YOU WOULD BE THE PERFECT ONE TO ANSWER THAT ONE…

    “SIMON SAYS” THE MORE YOU GET OFFENDED BY MY NONSENSE THE MORE I WIN AT THE END OF THE DAY, TROLLS RULE!!!

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