Suicidal TendenciesAre you happy? Content? Secure? Had a good day? Would you consider yourself in general an optimistic person?

Do you find this to be a problem?

Well then, have I got the solution for you. Go to Haaretz Online. Check out one of the articles with reader comments, like this one (although pretty much any will do). Scan through the comments.

If within fifteen minutes you are not possessed of an overpowering urge to throw yourself off a high building or take a swim in the Kinneret wearing concrete shoes, please, tell me your secret.

If I can be like alternate-universe Sally Field for minute here: “They hate us! They really hate us!”

You wouldn’t think that the reader comments for an Israeli newspaper would cover in one fell swoop every widely discredited anti-Semitic canard from Jewish responsibility for 9/11 (thanks Amiri Baraka) to all Jews being descended from Khazar converts (tell that to the Yemenites), but you’d be wrong.

The one encouraging thing? We Jews actually do indeed hold in our hands the key to world peace. Judging from what I’ve seen, if all our myriad haters from Iceland to Istanbul, Denmark to Dubai, Newfoundland to New Caledonia, could just join together for five minutes, put all their other issues behind them, and totally devote themselves to their shared hatred of Jews, there would be complete peace between the nations. They could all sing Imagine together as the slaughter commenced.

Then, of course, we’d all be dead and they’d have to find someone else to blame their problems on. But for those brief, shining few minutes…it brings a tear to this young romantic’s eye.

God. If you’re as depressed as I am now, here’s a little good news: a historic Cairo synagogue is re-opening for services. Clearly indicative of a worldwide Zionist conspiracy to seize Egypt, though. From the Nile to the Euphrates, right?

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  • Muffti’s recipe for suicidal tendencies:

    You take a li’l freak like Mike Muir and you make him sing some lyrics that range from the political to the nasty to the just bizzare. Then throw in Grant Estes, Louiche Mayorga and Amery Smith. Then add in a bunch of skater punks who like their shows on the rough side of things and you get a kick ass band that calls itself Suicidal Tendencies. Let’s not forget their classic ‘institutionalized’:

    I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about
    everything but then again I was thinking about nothing
    And then my mom came in and I didn’t even know she was there she called my
    name and I didn’t even hear it, and then she started screaming MIKE! MIKE!
    And I go:
    What, what’s the matter
    And she goes:
    What’s the matter with you?
    I go:
    There’s nothing-wrong mom.
    And she goes:
    Don’t tell me that, you’re on drugs!
    And I go:
    No mom I’m not on drugs I’m okay, I was just thinking you know, why don’t
    you get me a pepsi.
    And she goes:
    NO you’re on drugs!
    I go:
    Mom I’m okay, I’m just thinking.
    She goes:
    No you’re not thinking, you’re on drugs! Normal people don’t act that way!
    I go:
    Mom just give me a Pepsi please
    All I want is a Pepsi, and she wouldn’t give it to me
    All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn’t give it to me.
    Just a Pepsi.

    But, if that doesn’t work for ya, just go do what Michael tells you too. It is pretty damned depressing.

  • What’s funny about life is that people tend to think you’re on drugs when you’re not and tend not to notice when you actually are.

    Not that I, uh, would know anything about it. Wait, what are we talking about again?

  • So true. Like when Muffti and Jonathon were in ‘Nawlins visiting, we totally didn’t notice that you had been shootin’ smack all day and snortin’ blow just to keep yourself up. How you managed to gobble down those 4 hits of extascy without our even detecting a difference in behaviour, however, was the real triumph.


  • I once had an idea for a satiric story that involved the destruction of the world.

    My proposition was that in the absence of the Jews, the rest of the races of mankind would quickly turn on each other in their crazed obsession with who was responsible for actually getting rid of the Jews, thus depriving the whole world of its favorite eternal scapegoat.

    Life without the Jews wouldn’t be nearly as much fun for these folks as they think it would.

  • To my eternal, eternal chagrin, yes. As if the cell phone wasn’t enough. As if my own blog wasn’t enough. Escape is impossible.

  • Michael! You are wasting your life on this website!!! Get a job!

  • I knew that if Michael crashed one too many Israeli weddings, he’d end up in one! I’m just wondering a) who is the lucky lady and b) why wasn’t I invited??? 😉

  • Michael, did you think your “wife” had no family? Or did you lose her right after the “wedding”? If you lost her, then you might as well have an annulment. What’s the point of marriage if not to have limitless sex??

  • It’s a thin line between genius and Lunacy: Amiri Barak is way past it! But that doesn’t explain his looney homies!!

  • I think it’s great that Michael’s parents post comments. My parents read my other blogs, but not this one, I don’t think: the only blog my mom has ever (to my knowledge) commented on is RenReb…and my dad’s in love with the askthepope blog. Sigh.

  • But we do know dear. Your father is very proud of you. Just remember to be nice to people.

  • Michael is going through a very protracted “I’m ashamed of my geeky father” phase. It started in fifth grade. I’m sure he’ll get past it eventually. I am nothing if not patient.