I wonder.Life gives Michael lemon, Jewish organizations backed by the might of Jewish finance quickly assemble to make Michael lemonade. Michael feels special.

So, with the recent loss of my apartment (probably not underwater), my job (Hebrew teacher at synagogue probably now underwater), my favorite kosher Moroccan joint (Casablanca), and my city (definitely underwater), I’ve been a little at a loss at how exactly to go about dealing with my newfound refugee status.

The first thing that of course crossed my mind was, being a refugee, I could fulfill my lifelong dream of joining the Fugees. I approached them with my blazing new track “Even a Damn Jew is Better than Pras,” and while Wyclef was receptive, a shrieking Lauryn Hill reacted by staggering into the room covered in blood holding the headless carcass of a chicken and throwing a Bible at me (damn Lauryn, why you gotta be like that?).

So with that plan out, and inevitable musical stardom shelved for at least a few more months, I decided that instead of four months of PS2, attractive as that may sound, I would attempt to continue my amusing attempt at higher education in a different city. A city that replaces Mardi Gras, blaring tourist jazz and hurricanes with severe ethnic strife, blaring muezzins and a potentially incendiary Muslim population: greater Detroit Jerusalem.

Yes, as it turns out, occasionally being a member of the world’s most widely despised minority group pays off. Thanks to the generosity of certain organizations and donors and the general fuzziness of My Fellow Jews, the Hebrew University (in addition to the other major universities in Israel) have decided to accept all interested students displaced by Katrina, and furthermore to waive all tuition fees. In addition, the Jewish Agency has made available funds to pay for the (morbidly expensive) price of a plane ticket from your home to Zion.

That’s right. I’m going to Israel for free. Doesn’t it make you almost wish your city was underwater?

So I really just wanted to use this forum to thank the generous people at Hebrew U, Tel Aviv U, U of Haifa, Ben Gurion U, Bar-Ilan U, the Jewish Agency and MASA for making it possible for Jewish students exiled by Katrina not only to in some way continue with their lives, but to do it in Israel without having to worry about where the money’s coming from. Isn’t it a beautiful thing when our people work together?

In addition, as soon as I compile some sources and talk to some people, I’m planning to write a detailed, serious post about the current and future state of the New Orleans Jewish community and how the hurricane has affected it. I have a vested interest after all.

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  • Wow, it really does make me wish my city was underwater. A ticket and tuition? I’d leave this all behind in a second. Glad you’re safe. Make the most of it.

  • To call you hillarious would be an understatement. Sometimes, albeit rarely, good things happen to good people. Am delighted for you.

  • Damn, M, that’s awesome. Could you tell the kind peeps in Israel that a few clouds are assembling here in Jersey and it’s looking bad…best to airlift Muffti out and over to Israel to be safe rather than to potentially regret it later?

  • I can see the internet rumors starting now. “Israel created Katrina in order to increase Aliyah” in Israel bashing sites.

  • Matthew… you can get the free ticket and tuition even without your current city being underwater… You just have to make Aliya! It’s that easy…

  • Jewlicious! Have you checked out Wyclef’s collaborations with Tom Jones? Very hot. People please be careful what you wish for, you may get it! Also, Oprah says that the term “refugee” is politically incorrect because you are and remain American citizens, and the term “refugee” refers to non-citizens. You are technically “survivors”…rock on!

  • I believe they used the term refugees to illustrate how lame the government response and planning was.

  • What Joy said–madd props to Israel for doing the right thing, and madd props to you for opting for the Badatz lemonade in this case…

  • As Michael’s Dad said, props to the Israelis and to the Jewish community.

    I’m sure you’ll have a great year, Michael and I wish you the best of luck.

  • There really is a silver lining in every cloud. Hashem has a reason for everything!

  • Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement, peoples. Really, y’all are the best.

    Although, um, Grace, if Hashem sent a massive hurricane that wiped out a major city, not to mention countless smaller towns, and killed thousands of people and left thousands more homeless, all to get to me to Israel, then the Big Guy’s got some ‘splainin to do, else we’re going to have…problems.

  • Hi Michael, this is Amy from your birthright trip this summer- Im going to the University of Georgia and as I sit here, reading Jewlicious daily, looking up to see the huge Israel flag above my bed (let me tell you, my roommate loves it), listening to my Israeli music on repeat to drown out the incessent blaring of country music- I just remember how you said aliyah was in your future…and I really am sorry about everything that’s happened with Katrina, but on the bright side (very, for me) now I can start living vicariously through you! Whenever the evangelicals on campus become to much, I’ll remember that you are living the dream- I’m so proud! And please keep up the posts, they totally make my day.

  • Hey Amy, glad to hear from you. Keep fighting the good fight for Zion – America’s universities, now that I have been removed from the picture, need more unapologetic Zionists. For real.

    And, of course, if you get tired of those evangelicals, you can always crash at me and Dave’s swingin’ Jerusalem pad. It’ll be like Birthright all over again. We can even invite Roni.

  • You know I’ll never be able to say no to Roni. Be careful, I’ll be back soon enough and definetly hold you to that offer.

  • Michael…very glad you opted for going back to Israel for school. I can’t imagine a better opportunity, and although generated by tragic events, its timing was almost perfect for you and your life interests. I am old as dirt (older actually) and very goy, but I am envious none-the-less. Had the opportunity been avilable to me, even now, I would have jumped at the chance. Good for you that you did. Enjoy.

  • are you going to rothberg (english classes), or to the regular university (much higher quality hebrew classes)?

  • I’m attending the Rothberg school, as I don’t think my intellectual Hebrew level is up to snuff. I’m a master at ordering falafel, though.

    And thanks, aridog.

  • Michael, I need a place to vent this and since I deleted my blog because the thought of Jobber jerking-off to it made me nauseous, I hope you won’t mind:
    Ok, so I have this “relationship” with this Jewish kid in the Army National Guard and he gets deployed to Cuba. I develop a uniform fetish. He IM’s every day, sometimes twice or or 3 times. It evolves into “text sex”, which I consider my way of supporting the troops. Then I kick it up a notch to webcam shows. Great. He tells me his mission is over in September and his birthday is coming up & that when he gets back to New Jersey we will celebrate.

    After Katrina I hear from him once or twice, then not at all for 5 days. All this talk of dead bodies floating in cholera is freaking me out. I email him several times. No answer. Where is he? I panic and conclude his troop was redeployed to the toxic cesspool down South. I panic. I call his Base here in NJ. They won’t tell me where he is unless I’m his mother (being old enough to be his mother doesn’t count). But they tell me everyone from Jersey came back in April. I get pissed. “Who have I been doing webcam shows ?” for I ask some Military important person.
    “Don’t know Ma’mam”
    URRGH…don’t EVER call me Ma’am!
    “Ok, well, you know how you guys have something about integrity in your motto?” I ask.
    “Yes”, he says
    “Well, you can all shove it up your asses”.
    “Now, calm down Ma’am, when I get my hands on your soldier, I promise to beat the shit out of him.”
    “Ok Lieutenant Sergeant Colonel Commander Sir, Thank you.”

    I call Soldier’s cell phone. His brother answers.
    “No, he just got back 4 days ago. He’s at the base, he’s safe.”
    I email him again to warn him that I’m really sorry but some mistaken Military important person might be looking to beat him up.

    He tells me, justifiably so, we are over.

    18 months of wanting, waiting, fantisizing and performing, washed out by Katrina-induced panic.

    Can someone have a relief concert for me?

  • Gosh, I hope Jobber doesn’t feel compelled to masturbate to that story.

    Chutzpah, said soldier did not wish to continue your romance anyway, or he would have contacted you sooner.

    Move on and consider yourself fortunate that webcam shows do not include an exchange of, um, fluids.

  • he was only home 4 days. he had every intention of calling me, but when I overstepped the line from “just sex” to worrying about him (and then psychotically telling some military important person that he was getting webcam shows), he HAD to dump me lest I be boiling bunnys in his kitchen next…..no?

  • Maybe he just outgrew “text sex” when he found a nice girl on his base who provided “real sex.”

  • No, you missed the sordid details of my blog where I described the real sex we had for 9 months before he shipped out and we had a whole “to do” list planned for his return of things we hadn’t gotten to (you know, like the glass elevator at the top of the Marriott Marquis, the Bathroom of a dive bar & using toys etc., stuff like that), This is all my fault for getting emotionally involved and worrying that he might be bagging dead bodies. When it’s “just sex” you are not allowed to care what happens to the person. Although I once asked him via text that if I died would he come to my funeral and say nice things about me and he said yes, so that counts as something….I am so NOT screwed!

  • Chutzpah, a man who has been on a distant army base for a very long time and was essentially assured of a very, um, entertaining evening with an openly interested party, would not be quite so patient. To remind you, it was only 4 days because you called him, and as far as you know, it would have been another 20 days and you might still have not received a call.

    If you care enough, call him in a week and beg forgiveness (leave a message if you have to) while explaining that if you over-reacted in a heated moment, it was due to deep embarrassment and shame. Also, that senior military officer is laughing his head off and does not care about your drama, Chutzpah. How many soldiers are there out there who have serious conflicts that may affect their service, like affairs, pregnancies, etc. So he’s now learned that one of his soldiers was screwing around with a woman foolish enough to use the Internet to show herself and then didn’t call her. Why would he care? Your ego got hurt and that’s about it.

    Move on, Chutzpah, you’re wasting valuable energy and time from your life and his on a quick fix.

  • Chutzpah, since jobber suffered so much, Muffti has to say, that story was a little creepy…

  • I’m very lucky to have virtual friends like you Middle, thanks for giving it to me straight.
    Ok, this is the last “what if” before you tell me one more time that he “just wasn’t that into me”….what if he really was going to surprise me with the “Officer and a Gentleman fantasy” I requested where he proudly comes up to the Executive Floor of a major corporation and carries me out of my cubicle with all my co-workers looking on, mouths agast?

  • Like the Muffti, I am also slightly alarmed. Is a major website really the best place to air your fantasies?

  • If Woody Allen has taught us anything, it’s that if you’re slightly creepy and maladjusted and have bizarre sexual inclinations, put it in a screenplay and gentiles will give you lots and lots of money and fame and young Asian women.

  • Actually, Muffti really didn’t mind Chutzpah airing her fantasies. Air away, C. He just thought it was unfair to Jobber to let that all go by without calling it, well, kinda creepy. Muffti can understand interest in uniforms; the closest Muffti has ever gotten to a woman in uniform is the shooter girl at a local bar; and its hard to call slut CFM boots, a short skirt and a tight top a ‘uniform’. Hmm…is Muffti being creepy?

  • If I said I was into young Asian women, now THAT would be creepy, what I wrote was just sorta perverted, technically speaking. And 8 out of 10 women have an “Officer and a Gentleman fantasy” although I gotta take credit for the elevator at the Marquis thing.

  • Jobber comments – creepiness

    Chutzpah comments – loneliness and longing for some love and loving sex.

    Big difference.

  • It’s not creepiness asshole, it’s humor. Your sense of humor hardly exists. How much television do you watch in a week, Middle. What do you do in your liesure time middle?

  • Why would he want someone old enough to be his mother anyway? He probably found a hot size 2, which he preferred to a size 12-14. Just kidding. it is kind of funny, Chutzpah rejecting many other men waiting for this combat soldier to come back to her. I had 2 guys contact her by email during this time, and she told one of them that she does not date. This is a guy just for her, bashert.

  • I don’t date guys 5″5 or under; guys who don’t have a University education; guys named David; guys who pretend to own Bus companies or any other guys that are obviously connected to Jobber in anyway.

    I did however, date a guy I adored but who called it quits because he lives 120 miles away, so now I don’t date guys who live beyond a 60 mile radius. I also dated a guy who is my age but had no children of his own and freaked at the thought of my 3.

    I am not waiting and I’m an 8-10 these days.

    How’s this for vocabulary usage: “Talking about Jewish sex/dating issues is jewlicious, whereas Jobber sending Chutzpah fake dating profiles is creepy.”

  • Wrong, I sent you two single men,you told them that you don’t date. One of them lives in your town, he would have met you at a local coffeeshop or something, yes I remember no coffee dates, not even Starbucks, lol. ( I still have that gift cert. if someone wants it, a free Holiday gift from Jobber, first emailer wins.)
    well you’re right I should hang out somewhere else but i have come to like this site, despite all my kvetching.

  • heck you’re the one getting invited to Hutzpah’s place! I don’t want to know, ROFLMFAO!!!

  • So creep, you are telling people about me, having them write to me through JDate & Match and then finding out how I respond to them and you see absolutely nothing creepy about that? FUCK OFF DUDE!

  • Jobber, you are hereby on notice that any communication with me with either directly or through a 3rd party is unwanted and non-consensual. If you persist in harassing me, whether through e-mail, phone, or through a 3rd person, you will be very sorry.

  • We cannot complain if we run a flag up the flagpole, and people salute it. We ran it up the pole. Of course they are going to salute it. A bit of quiet solves most things. Nobody has died. So far.

    Wives leave husbands over stuff like this. Really. You have no idea. There are children involved.

    A fool and his family are soon parted.

    Generations yet unborn are at stake. Really.

  • How you respond? I am responding to your whining on this blog site. I out of the goodness of my heart. You know what a creep is? You, chutzpah.

    You have only hate and venom for others, who think a little differently, and outside of the box.

    That is the curse of choosing to call oneself, conservative. You block off any additional options.

    I am trying to help 2 friends who are single to find someone. That is creepy to you?

    Sorry but this is a Jewish blog, where in Judaism doing Chessed, is a major part of the religion. Doing Chessed, is a mitzvah, not just a thing to do. There is no shiur, no limit, to how much Chessed you should do.

    If you are faced w/ a situation of either davening or doing a chessed, u do the chessed.

    U have no justification in throwing around the word harrassment. I am sorry that you want to waste more funds on Private investigators and lawyers, but I assure you, that alerting 2 single friends to a woman on an online dating web site, is not harrassement in either letter or spirit.

    What are these drugs you are taking?


  • Stay out of this Jewish mother and don’t give me your condescending flagpole analogy because as my Grandma Chutzpah used to say “go stick a flag up your ass and march it in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade.” I’ll say what I want and don’t need you asking for “a bit of quite”.

    I have no idea about husband’s leaving wives? Let me tell you something. The women in my neighbor recommended that my husband leave me because I was walking around with a hat and short sleeves in the summer instead of a sheitel and long sleeves, and because I was earning a living for our family instead of baking and cooking for the bikor cholim and driving the ill to their doctors appointments. So don’t fuckin’ tell me their are children at stake, mine have suffered plenty. In other words…step back.

    I have no problem showing his wife all the creepy disgusting things he’s written including announcing on the internet what time he supposedly had marital relations with her. I pity the poor women and if she knew half of the antics this prize was up to, she’d kick him out on his creepy ass. And I don’t give a crap about his future generations, I just want him to go away and leave me alone. The creep gets off on this. It has nothing to do with chesed.

    My musing are not whining and if you don’t like them, ignore them. Considering myself a “Conservative” Jewess is not a curse but a blessing. A curse is living a “shomer mitzvot” lifestyle that you don’t believe in for the “sake of your children” and then doing fucked-up things to vent your stifled, frustrated misery. I don’t freakin’ need Chesed. I turn down many online suitors a day for various reasons including poor grammer and spellling, a lack of sense of humor, lack of mutual hobbies, or lack of looks, income or education.

    And don’t go getting all “tom cruise” either. Psychopharmocology helps millions of people, myself included, to live healthy, happier lives.

  • No, I’m just really pissed that this asshole keeps infringing on my blogging enjoyment. (This just in: soldier forgives me.) Jobber talks about how he doesn’t like being religous one minute and the next minute he thinks he’s doing chesed by sending losers to my Jdate account? I just want to be here and comment on Jewish issues without reading shit like “Ester did you eat a meal after before that pic.” I enjoy all the Jewlicious editors/writers and bloggers, but when a person says it’s a curse to be a conservative jew and wastes my time with other shit, yeah, I get a little hostile. Funny how hundreds of people read this site and none of them felt compelled to send me fake emails or losers in the name of chesed.

  • Chutzpah, I asked because your spelling was atrocious on the previous comment and it’s my turn to be the spelling Nazi.

    I understand your frustration with Jobber and I have to agree with you. You could, in practice, just ignore him.

  • OK I have just about fucking had it. Chutzpah, you vare hereby ordered to ignore Jobber. There’s this concept on the Internet called “feeding the trolls.” The more you react to provocation the more the offending party (the troll) continues to provoke. So I urge you to please stay on topic and ignore Jobber.

    Now I don’t want you to think you are being singled out for my wrath. You’re not. The next part of this comment is for Jobber. Jobber – stay on topic and please refrain from any further provocation of Chutzpah or anyone else. I have never banned anyone on Jewlicious and it offends me to even contemplate that but you and your sniping have made reading Jewlicious painful for me and for others. Stop it or I will totally ban you from the site. Your comments will be intercepted before they become publically visible and will then be unceremoniously deleted. If you try to get around the ban, all comenters will be instructed to delete you comments on site. You wanna play? Then play nice. This is the last and final warning.

  • Thank you and I apologize for the bad spelling, typing in the heat of the moment can do that do even the best of us.
    And as to that crappy flagpole analogy, is that the same as “if a woman runs around in a short skirt and a man gets an erection from it, we asked for that erection?” I can’t believe I bought into that shit when I was young, stupid and high on Tzfat air.

  • “if a woman runs around in a short skirt and a man gets an erection from it, we asked for that erection?”

    Isn’t this part of the basis of the concept of tzniut?

  • yeah it is exactly the basis, and at one time it made perfect sense to me. Men are weak so women have to compensate for this fault and inconvenience themselves so as not to inconvenience the men. it’s bullshit. Men should take personal responsibility for their own erections and lewd thoughts. Placing the burden on the women to be “tznius” which includes being hot and uncomfortable is just another form of “The Man”, yeah, the 18th Century Polish Rav, controlling women. Dogs can’t control their erections, men should be able to.

  • I sense that SOMEONE isn’t wearing her burqa anymore. No wonder, to return to the original topic of the post, God destroyed New Orleans.

  • I agree CK, but when I am called ‘creep’ here day and night, this is not right CK. You can call me a troll, but it is wrong. I only reacted to being called a creep by these people.
    Not only by this woman, but also by your boy Michael. For the record, I did not refer to anyone as a conservative “JEW” I was referring to Conservative “Politically”. I have a great respect for Conservative Jews, I love them. Nor did I threaten to try and ruin anyone’s life, that is, to remove a father from his children. I believe if you will review all of my posts, 95% of them are on topic, this has to do w/ the political situation in Israel, the Jewish religion, and world politics. It is only when I was attacked by these 2 people that things got out of hand. Perhaps I will just ignore them in the future, OK?