On the surface, it would seem Mr. Jordan Bratman, while perhaps unfortunately named, is a fine example of the young, successful and upwardly mobile modern American Jewish Boy. Jordan, who graduated from the business school at a certain venerable and august collegiate institution known for being home to many an intelligent, witty, urbane and dare-I-say-it-handsome Jewish boy, Tulane University, got an early start in the recording business and quickly established himself, producing singles for Madonna, Michael Jackson, and several other artists not connected to Kabbalah and/or Shmuley Boteach.

Sounds like Jordan probably would any Jewish mama proud, right?

Wrong! Despite being a connected, monied, successful New York Jewish boy, with his pick of thousands upon thousands of eligible New York Jewish girls, girls with soft, uncallused hands who have never borne the burden of anything heavier than a Louis Vuitton bag, girls who, since reading Tuesdays with Morrie in high school, have never grappled with anything more intellectual than asking the waiter at the hip Soho cocktail bar what “lychee” is, despite all this, Jordan has fallen pray to the siren call of the shiksa.

Yes, Jordan has married his longtime girlfriend, some overpainted blonde hussy named Christina Aguilera, in a private ceremony on a California vineyard.

Jordan: we need to talk. I realize that for a nice Jewish boy like yourself, the prospect of having principal mating rights with someone who has in the past gone out in public in outfits whose main bonding agent is not stitching but nipple glue is enticing. But really, if you’re that attracted to shallow, stupendously wealthy, overmedicated young women who measure your personal worth and marriageability by the size of your bank account, you really could have found a great girl right down the block who would have made the family happy too. Why do you snub your people’s traditions, Jordan? Come back! Come back to us!

And how do I know he’s Jewish? Well. Come on. Look at that punim. It’s a face only a mother, and apparently an international pop star worth millions of dollars already, could love.

Anyway, mazel tov to Jordan and the new Mrs. Christina Bratman. And Jordan, think about what I said. It’s not too late to come ’round and marry the right girl and make beautiful Jewish babies that you can raise for Torah, chuppah, ma’asim tovim and spectacle bat/bar mitzvahs that’ll put that Riddinger twerp to shame. Come on, I’m thinking like Studio 54 with tallits here. Is it worth giving all that up for a passel of kids who will have to live with the psychological damage of having a mother famous for displaying her crotch tattoos and inspiring a million jailbait fantasies about “rubbing her the right way”?

About the author

michael

63 Comments

  • her pose, hair, and outfit tell you everything you need to know. i bet within the year X-tina converts to Judaism to cement her status as the next Marilyn. mr. bratman, presumably, is her Arthur Miller. i, of course, don’t think she is the next Marilyn, nor will there ever be another, but it is undeniably what she’s trying to do. regardless, she’s not that much of a hussy. so she dresses sluttily, big deal. she’s cute and talented (and grossly misuses her talent, granted), and if they’re happy good for them.

  • I’m with Ofri. Christina, despite the fact that your name has the name Christ in it, please consider investigating Judaism. Check out your nearby Conservative synagogue and talk to some people. Really, it can be very fulfilling to be Jewish, especially if you find at least one other Jew with whom you can agree.

  • May be she’ll convert and change her name to Esther -or has Madonna damaged that name for good?

  • michael, you said it first, but MAN. this fool IS JEWISH. He’s even got a golden halo around his head at all times. ridiculous. feels kind nice though, admitting that he is dating someone named after christ, to know that a fellow member of the tribe is tapping some seriously rich, blonde, famous, christian ass.

    okay. my eyelid is spasming. enough.

  • oh, they’re married! How heart warming! They’ll have phenomenal kids: beautiful, smart, musically gifted kids. Good luck to them

  • Didn’t Hilter start out like this, thinking that his race was the only race desiring of anything and everything. If you believe in GOD no that a sight that promotes intolerance is intolerable.

    Also remember, usually the abuse if they don’t stop the cycle usually turnout the be worst abuser then those that once abused them. And it appears that Jews are human after all and it seems that as a race you are now trying to become Nazis….

  • Apparently Garland Wilson is too stupid to parse the dense web of irony and snark that is a Michael post. But it’s okay. Even I have trouble sometimes.

    But anyway, Garland, you can call me a Nazi when I invade your town, seize your possessions, rape your wife, move you into an overcrowded, disease-ridden ghetto, deport you to a concentration camp, kill your family, and work you until you die of starvation. Until then, piss off, motherfucker.

    Yeled: it just goes to show you that nothing changes. For every Alexander Portnoy, there is a Monkey. For every Jordan Bratman, there is, apparently, a Christina Aguilera. Todah la’el.

  • taaminu li lo tsrihim oto:P…banot anahnu jeholot limtso lanu mishu joter hatich;)…al tagidu li ahshav she hu nira tov??…ulai hamud…aval nira tov???naa…aval le christina behol zot mazal tov!hem dafka meod hamudim bejahad!

  • mili, that took a lot of effort. perhaps too much effort.

    michael anytime you wanna do that stuff in post 9, let me know. It’s been a while and I’d like to get back into the swing of seek, kill, deport, then do it all over again. nothing like the old times! i arrive at ben gurion on dec 27th. you gonna be around then?

  • מילי, אם את באמת צריכה לכתוב בעברית, אז תשתמשי באותיות עבריות, ×›×™ אני הולך לבכות אם אני קורא עוד תעתיק

  • Don’t worry, the Aish Hatorah ‘Rabbits’ oops I mean Rabbis, I mean millionaire money grubbers, will be all over this one, they will lead them to their ‘interesting’ classes on Bible codes, 71 ways to Wisdom’ aud Nauseum. You know they are very good in ‘Kiruv’. Go to their web site and make a donation there they have a link for that.

  • בכלל לא ידעתי שאפשר לכתוב פא בעברית. אני מסכימה עם מייקל במאה אחוז ואגב, ממתי ×™ ×–×” ×’’×™×™ בתעתיק? מה אנכנו נוצרים? פויה

  • oh sorry guys…i just dont have hebrew letters in my pc…and i live in austria and i cant speak english perfect..so…but i will try to write like american;)

  • Like Portnoy said: he puts the Id back in Yid, and she puts the oy back in Goy. A perfect match.

    But, man, is that a Yiddishe punim on that guy or what?

    Why necessarily a Conservative shul, Middle?

    (Wait for it…..)

  • How does everyone have Hebrew letters except me? Aval CK, ani tzricha gam b’ivrit l’taken et ha iyut shelkha…”po” zeh avec une “hey” v’lo “aleph”…

  • oy ve you’re right. i’m embarassed. it was my mistake first. btw i just downloaded some software and made little cute stickers for my keyboard, i think anyone can have hebrew letters.

  • Ephraim, why not Conservative? My personal preference is Conservative over Reform or Orthodox. But that’s just me, for all I care, they can join Reconstructionist as well – I know some fine Jews who belong to that movement.

  • another possibility is that they’re putting up a christmas tree as we type. a probability, even.

  • Funny how all the guys are deciding that this dude is damn ugly. I wouldn’t want to speak for the females, but he is good looking as anyone else. Do people feel better by declaring him ugly?

  • Wish them both happiness. I suppose if husband is devout Jew, Xtina will convert soner or later. Judaism is a beautiful religion. I would convert if a I had a devout Jewish husband. Great blog.

    Shalom,
    From a hispanic-american, episcopalian, who attends shabbat service on accasion.

  • how about you all chill out and realize that people can marry outside thier religion? the more elitist you are about being jewish the harder it is to like you

  • Well Jews are known to be elitists. I don’t know what Christina was thinking, she’s going to regret it. I once dated a Jewish guy and his family pretty much broke us up. I wouldn’t have converted to his faith (because I dont belong to any faith) so maybe that’s why. Jeez, you’d think they could be more open-minded.

  • Man…that dress is…it’s…an explosion.

    Heh. It’s got all the hallmarks of a traditional Jewish ceremony except the Jewish woman. I wonder if Jordan said “at mequdeshet li b’ta’abat zu k’dat Moshe v’Yisrael” too.

  • She could have converted without publicly announcing it. I sometimes suspect that Madonna has done the same thing. Who wants to make themselves a poster child for another “Who is a Jew?” debate (assuming neither superstar would convert Orthodox)?

    Sorry about the long link; I confess I don’t find the HTML directions self-explanatory.

  • I say it’s a great thing that these two can step out of the confined cirle of sticking to your kind… im dating a jew and i believe it has nothing to do with love.. i dont see why it’s such a big deal to make a post about this anyway… jew, christian, or whatever it’s all about love in the long run.

  • and to comment to “michael” i believe you are the epitome of a terrorist. Using judiasm in as a backbone of your hate. Correct me if im wrong but i think you fall under the catergorie of false faith… its not about a group, it’s about helping one to live happier…. just because you are proud doesn’t mean your one step closer to heaven…

  • Athena: Everybody is elitist; blacks, whites, muslims, indians… I dated an Indian and it didn’t work out b’coz, am black, and an “infidel”; My family will not abide me dating anybody who’s not black, etc etc. Life sucks, get over it

  • u see this is one chik that can completly agree with this jewish/christian marraige. i think its great… excellent.. that he has gone for someone that isnt jewish get a little mix in their kids…. i luv it… christina is sxc and shes great shell make the perfect family… good luck chrisitna… it will all turn out well….. im praying for ya!!!! luv ya…

  • Yuck!! Jordan is very ugly and Christina should NOT have children with him. However they do look happy, so good for them. But seriously,christina considered getting a sperm doner that is better looking to make babies with.

  • absolutely. marriages built on anything but superficial physical attraction are doomed from the start.

  • Why would she convert to an inferior religion? Makes no sense. Wise up goblins, let the light in. Ever think its possible for him to change his religion? Smart move to convert up. Maybe he is smarter than he looks. She likes him so be it, she deserves to have her way.

  • What the @#$%^? This Bratman guy is a very lucky guy. I really don’t think he cares that she is not jewish. Let’s get real here. And I don’t think he really cares what his family thinks. They look great together.

  • “It’s got all the hallmarks of a traditional Jewish ceremony except the Jewish woman. ” – Post 38

    That was terrific, Michael.

    Hee hee!

  • Hmmmm…interesting hate vibe you peeps have going in here. Submit “white” for “jew” in just about any post you can find and it would be a recruiting poster for an Klan rally. If it isn’t absurd enough in and of itself, a man actually challenges your thinly veiled uber-semitism/kosher elitism and all you can pull some old “you don’t understand” line that was outdated in 1939. You guys appropriated the Nazi idealology rather painlessly, it seems, and I assure you that Germans in 1941 felt just as justified as you do speaking with such moronic venom about the rest of the world. Don’t forget it was my my ancestors who guided Abraham through the desert before you even had a religion. The Rom people just carry ourselves with more dignity and charm then you 500 year old converts masquerading as actual Hebrews ever could.

    Johanus Sandoval

  • Moronic venom seems to be a fairly apt description of pointless hatred. It would be laughable were it not so shamelessly accepted, and callously defended. When you are all done patting each other on the back as the new uberyouth, take a minute to check that repulsive snideness at the door. Or better yet- don’t leave the house until you have developed some charm to sell that snakeoil. I can smell bullshit 10 miles away- call it a gift of 6000 years of bullshitting people like you.

  • Awww Gypsy Prince, you froth at the mouth and yell moronic venom at the top of your lungs but all that’s coming out is atrociously bad breath. Now run along and don’t forget to brush.

  • I think it is important to clear up some misconceptions for our non-Jewish brethren. It is not a race issue and certainly there is no measure of hatred, didlike or disdain for non-Jews. It is a completely religious thing where we Jews have our obligations which are not for everybody. Anyone who wants to become a Jew – from any creed, religion, race or nation – but we do not actively (or in the case of Islam or medieval Catholicism – violently) try to convert people. We respect other nations and just asked to be left alone to do our thing. So let’s put this racist crap to bed and shalom al Yisrael!

  • השם יעזור..
    גועל נפש מתבוללים גורלכם למדורי הגהנום
    ועוד הוא מביא ילד מהפרוצה הזאת איככ מה לא חסר נערות יהודיות ששוות את הבחור יא גועל נפש!!!
    אלוהים רותח למעלה מה אתה מתחתן בחתונה יהודית עם פאקינג נוצריה מה אתה דפוק??
    מה שקורה בארה”ב ×–×” פשוט חטא בהשם!!!!

  • ARE YOU CRAZY!!!?!?! Christina Aguilera is not bad at all for Jordan!!! Okay!!! She’s been poor and suffered abuse and overcame that! Just because shes not jewish doesnt mean shes all bad! Look honey! Christina will be a better wife than all of those jewish girls out there. Its not that they’re bad but saying Christinas this and that makes no sense. Christina is an amazing woman! you clearly dont know who she is because youre saying all this. yeah she poses in pictures and sells stuff that involve her body but what are we woman not allowed to show our beauty. have you ever heard her song cant hold us down? she says its not right how woman are pushed so down and what she tries to do is make it okay for woman to express themselves. she expresses herself amazingly. shes strong confident beautiful and just amazing. her songs show how real of a person she is and she would be an amazing to jordan. stop putting her down because christina aguilera isnt jewish and can be a better woman than you could ever be.

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