King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah still can’t get a date.

We here at Jewlicious have liked from day one the boys and girls of the Punks of Zion, a motley assortment of collegiate New York Jews alternating their time between taking over the world and such sundry topics as racism, the potential name of the new subway line and baked goods. I’ve chilled with them, they’re cool kids.

Ruling over the Punks of Zion with an iron fist is Brownsvillegirl, an enigmatic Orthodox Jewess with a fondness for pastry and a profound lust for increasingly hoary ’70s-vintage blues-rock musician Gregg Allman.

And, in addition, someone is in love with her. In fact, not just someone. Brownsvillegirl is the object of desire for none other than the realized hope of 6000 years: the Messiah.

Yes, after 2000 years of suffering, the seed of David has burst into flower and redemption is nigh upon us. And his name? MOSHIAK. But before we can bask in the glorious light of an age of eternal peace, two major obstacles stand in our way:

1) The Messiah has not yet succeeded in wooing his future bride.
2) The Messiah is quite obviously entirely deranged.

In an attempt to bring his light unto the nations, the Messiah/”Moshiak” has established a website, a vessel for the transmission of what he optimistically titles a “Philosophy.” To wit:

You don’t choose to live unless you understand the meaning of life because it is only by way of such knowledge that you realize the importance of life. To understand the value of your life, it is necessary that you understand the meaning of your life. Well, your life is important to you. Indeed, your life is very important to you, which is why you seek knowledge of the meaning of life. The Philosophy is complete self-knowledge, so you don’t know exactly how important your life is until you know the Philosophy. Insofar as you are ignorant of the Philosophy, you undervalue your life and, therefore, you are somewhat self-destructive. That is why it is possible for people to smoke or to commit suicide: they don’t know themselves enough to value themselves enough not to make such self-destructive decisions. Though you may not be a smoker—and though you obviously haven’t committed suicide—there is no question that if you don’t know the Philosophy, you are somewhat self-destructive.

And that’s just one paragraph from the preamble. The entire Philosophy, soon to be followed by The Manifesto, can be read here. Oddly enough, for someone claiming to be the Jewish Messiah, Moshiak seems ignorant of all Jewish texts, as his Philosophy does not reference them (but does borrow a page from the book of noted cranky old Jewess Ayn Rand). And paradoxically, considering his claims that without the Philosophy one is self-destructive, it was only after reading it that I was forced to stave off an overwhelming desire to stick my head in the oven. The Philosophy is distilled as such:

I) Existence exists.
II) Existence must exist.
III) Something must exist for existence to exist.
IV) Something must be a single entity.
V) The single entity is geometry.

Maybe our resident actual philosopher Grandmuffti can parse that. Me, I’m a little disappointed. If all universal world peace entails is geometry, then the highlight of my life was second period, tenth grade and, if that’s true, I might as well just go jump off a bridge.

But when the anointed of David is not ruminating over the universal mysteries, he’s chasing the honeys. After Brownsvillegirl expressed some confusion on her blog as to why the Messiah was sending her e-mails, the Glorious Standard Bearer of the Redemption of Zion professed his feelings:

I hope I’ve inspired you to read my website. The only reason that I’ve spent so much time with you is because if there is any chance that I think you’re intelligent and beautiful, and you’d probably make a good wife and mother. I love women who cook, and who want to have children. I love it. Besides that, you are attractive and intelligent 20 year old with her own blog with all of that knowledge of Torah? I love that, too. It doesn’t matter to me that you live on the other side of the country. When it comes to meeting the person with whom you spend the rest of your life, they could be on the other side of the planet as long as they wind up sleeping in the same bed.

The Messiah is apparently of the John Hinckley school of romance.

To make an already very long story short, Brownesvillegirl spurned the Messiah’s advances, the other Punks mocked The Philosophy, and things got ugly. The Messiah left in a huff, and left an e-mail testament:

Now you really had better get rid of my postings. I have said things that really would anger gentiles. I have basically said that the Jews are better than the gentiles. That could cause mass envy and resentment. When people type “Moshiak” in the Yahoo! search engine, your website is the first to come up. This goes to show you that I am not interested in using your website to advertise my book; I am infinitely more interested in the safety of the Jews. Do you want to start another Holocaust? Then get rid of my postings. I don’t care what you write after that. You can write “99 reasons why I hate Moshiak” for all I care; just get rid of my postings. After that, you should learn the Philosophy.

Thanks a lot, Brownsvillegirl. Way to take one for the team. You made the Messiah cry, and now we’re never gonna get redeemed. When they march me into the gas chamber of Auschwitz: Redux, I’m totally going to blame you.

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