You may remember our chums from Jewdas – that’s cute London slang for “Heeb Magazine” – from our little spat with them sometime around last Purim. If you’re not familiar with Jewdas’ oeuvre, read my last post about New York Jewish radical hipsters, substituting “London” for “New York” and throwing in the word “bollocks” as you see fit, and we’ll be about on the same page.

Come and get 'em while they're hot!Anyway, the lovable little bacon-munchers at Jewdas recently got arrested and interrogated (oh my!) on charges of “Racially Aggravated Leafletting under Section 4A and 19 (1) of the public order act” – a fiery poetic condemnation of the actions of the constabulary by Linton Kwesi Johnson is doubtless forthcoming (“Dem charged ‘im fi sus. Dem charged ‘im fi racially aggravated leafletting unda Section 4A an’ 19(1) of di public hawdah act.”). The Jewish Chronicle has the full scoop on the biggest scandal to rock Britain’s Jewish community since the last time a prominent British intellectual, politician or artist announced their intention to boycott Israel (3 hours and counting!):

Four people distributing flyers for an alternative Jewish event were arrested during the Trafalgar Square celebration on suspicion of distributing antisemitic material. The four were promoting a “Protocols of the Elders of Hackney” party due to have been staged by the Jewdas collective at Hackney Synagogue, East London, on October 21.

Members of the public who were offended by the leaflets alerted the police and three men, aged 33, 31, and 25, and a woman aged 31 — identified by the Jewdas website as “Dogboy, random 76, the p factor and Robin Hood” — were arrested under Section 19 of the Public Order Act. This covers suspicion of distributing racially inflammatory material with intent to incite racial hatred. They were taken to Charing Cross police station and bailed, with the requirement to return in late October.

“There is a risk involved in satire and the flyer obviously fell foul of that,” said a CST spokesman. “Given the scale of current antisemitic incidents, rhetoric and terrorist threat, this a distraction nobody needs.”

Now, admittedly, perhaps arresting the lads (and lady) for the equivalent of writing naughty messages on the wall of the British Jewish community’s bathroom is going a little too far. Having so few people to arrest and interrogate that you have to haul in cheeky pseudo-radicals sounds like a condition far more likely to afflict Scandinavia than Britain. But turning the Czarist forgery that continues this very day to whip up anti-Semites into a frenzy (although the epicenter has moved from Moscow and Ford Motors to Cairo and Tehran) into an, ahem, alternative celebration of Jewish identity smacks a bit of bad taste.

But I take my role as a blogger very seriously, and the other day I got toasted and watched “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas,” so inspired by the spirit of Gonzo journalism, I’ve decided that in order to understand what would make the Jewdas lads behave in such a fashion, I would immerse myself in their wacky world of radical politics, Palestinian identification, non-Zionism, sexual ambiguity and bygone European Jewish culture fetishization.

So I shaved off all my body hair (which for a Jewish man is no small task, mind you), rolled a big spliff generously sprinkled with cocaine and chrain (using a page of the Tanakh as a paper), and strode confidently outside wearing nothing but a gimp mask, a kaffiyeh around my neck and an Israeli flag ’round the jewels, lustily singing a bawdy Yiddish tune at the top of my lungs – all in the interest, of course, of making a strong and positive statement about my Jewish identity while shocking the “squares,” as us hepcats call them, out of their staid complacency.

I got about five meters before the older Mizrachi gentlemen who frequent the bars below my apartment beat the shit out of me. I tried to explain to them that I was making a stand against the policies of the state that had willfully trampled their heritage, but it was hard to talk around the split lip.

But don’t think it was all for naught, my bold exploration of Jewdas’ Jewish renaissance. As I lay in my hospital bed while they reinflated my collapsed lung, I came upon a stunning realization. Jewdas has no monopoly on radical revisions of the Jewish experience and departures from religious norms – we’re fucking Israelis! We own that shit! And there’s no way a bunch of pale-faced Diasporic tossers in London are going to steal our thunder!

So with that realization in mind, I invite you all to “A Jewlicious Yom Kippur: A Radical Redefinition and Revitalization of the Ossified Establishment Jewish Experience” (AJYKRRROEJE for short) to be held this Yom Kippur at Daila in Jerusalem. We’re going to dress up as Chasidic Jews with fishnet stockings, eat shrimp cocktails from the navel of our friend David Kelsey, and dance the hora to techno remixes of Wagner pieces, all while our Asian slave-to-the-Zionist-Entity-workers service us as we see fit. And then, with Jewdas’ “positive reclamation of taboo images” in mind, we’re going to unveil a whole new line of thrilling new products for the proud Jew:

streits hosts– Streit’s Hosts: they used to claim in Europe that we tortured hosts in order to inflict further damage upon the body of Christ. Show them how right they were, in a positive, affirming way, with these delicious consecrated hosts! Make the mamzer squirm a little for those 2000 years of suffering!

– From our Sephardi division, a thrilling new video game, Prophet Killer! Sure, you and your ancestors may have suffered because the Muslims labelled you killers of prophets, but you didn’t even have the fun of being there for the killings! Now you can! Travel back in time using your Heretical Jew Science Time Traveling Device and nail up Jesus, chase Muhammad out of Mecca and, in a bonus level, even travel to India to hang that self-righteous prick Gautama from that damn bodhi tree! Hours of fun!

– In conjuction with the Golan Heights Winery, we bring you Dam Falastini Special Reserve 2006, the first wine to be made entirely from the blood of Palestinian children, an earthy red with delightful olive overtones that serves as the perfect accompaniment to grilled meats and steak.

– And finally (this one we’re really proud of) a clothing line, Ugly Hook-Nosed Money-Grubbing Cheap Sheeny Kike Bastard, specializing in only the finest urban apparel and casual menswear. Look for us next Fashion Week, because lord knows we run that!

And many more shocking nu-Jewish surprises at this year’s Jewlicious Yom Kippur! Be there or be a counterrevolutionary! Free Jewdas!

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  • I hope you feel better because you are about to get a lot of hate sent your way. I think the Carmel Winery is my favorite. I am starting college by the way which is weird. I will, however, read genesis (twice – once Robert Alter’s translation) as well as the rest of that bible thing in a Intro to the Hebrew bible class. That and the Iliad – which is tight, I reccomend. Oh, and I am stil waiting on that call although I’ll try you again myself. I made some yummy hummus just a couple days ago but made the mistake of leaving the left-overs out overnight to dry out. How is your life? (one sentence please). Oh, and while I was reading the beginning of this post all I could think was “poetic justice, poetic justice”. And I am now officially a jewlicious groupie member.

  • Incidentally, most of the Yom Kippur balls were held after Yom Kippur was over. At least, the one my grandparents went to.

    If you want to find Heebsters on YK, check out those Orthodox shuls in the city which have a no-judgments approach to traditional Judaism.

    Surprisingly, they are more popular among some Heebsters than the wonderful Indy minyans you are so fond of.

  • Jewdass is a much more spitefull and less playful site and is far inferior to Heeb magazine. While Heeb has a spread on “Jewfros,” Jewdass resorts to referring to Hassidic Jewish women, in a recent article, as “retards.” Heeb is good satire. Jewdass is borderline anti-semetic (and far less funny).

  • so lovely of you chaps to devote so much space to a little group like ours. We’re really flattered.
    But lets cut to the chase-the politics of jewlicious are somewhere to the right of genghis khan. ours are not. And I really doubt you put on parties anything like as good as ours…..

  • Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker, that’s the best you can come up with? I spend all this time writing this post expecting some form of comeback and all I get is “You’re right wingers and your parties suck! Nyah!”? And I’m not even a right-winger! Boo! If this is the voice of the new Jewish generation, let me learn my shahadah…

  • jewdas wrote: “And I really doubt you put on parties anything like as good as ours”

    I’ll have to ignore the genghis khan comment because there’s no point discussing it with someone who believes that anything right of their extreme leftist position is genghis khan. You’re clearly drinking from the same jug of Koool Aid as Richard Silverstein.

    As for your smashing parties dahling, the dancing chassid go go girls? Please, Heeb did that, what 4, 5 years ago? We’ve also seen the photos of your soirées – partying with patchouli scented anti-Israel activists is hardly what anyone with any sense would call a good time. First hand accounts from people who attended seem to bear this out.

    The one thing that you did get right was that despite all the bluster and bravado, you are indeed a small and otherwise insignificant group. Do enjoy your continued irrelevance.

  • But lets cut to the chase-the politics of jewlicious are somewhere to the right of genghis khan.

    [okay, the ultra-Wobegon type is going to attempt sarcasm,
    it may well flop…]

    Not! Sometimes the writers exhibit self-importance and infighting, but how can you blame them, since their very own welcome statement promises the same!

    [but seriously…]
    Jewdas, if you’re actually sincere & not just practicing starting arguments, just read some more posts and you’ll see how far left of Genghis [some of?] the political views here are. (The views on partying are more like Kublai Khan’s, you’ll notice.)

    As a fourth-generation feminist, I specialize in humor-sapping hypersensitivity, and tho’ I don’t feel at-home here, I notice that several frequent contributors are one or two handshakes away from jspot.org, radicaltorah.org (sp?), …and even the oft-lampooned Jewschool is on the blogroll. (Though I assume this DK is not their D Kelsey?)

    (if anyone remembers, when I was afraid to cite Bradley Burston, and y’all were far more offended by the link to RS’ site? I read more there & understand why…)

  • DK is indeed their Kelsey. Or actually, their former Kelsey since apparently He-Who-Uses-The-Term-Maniacal-Prick ordered him to stop writing for them after those years of loyalty and service to Jewschool.

  • Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker, that’s the best you can come up with? I spend all this time writing this post expecting some form of comeback

    the reason for my terseness is that I simply can’t see the point of us wasting time arguing with each other on this forum. We have major political differences, and we’re not going to convince each other to change our minds. Surely its better to spend our time organising events, creating the kind od Jewish culture that we believe should exist (whatever that may be) rather than taking shots at each other.

  • well, you’re certainly in the right place for laying your hands easily on guns. why don’t we do it east end london style, with our fists?

  • Awesome! Who’ll print up the fliers for the ultimate Galut vs. Zion Throwdown? I hate to say it almost, but that seems more you people’s area of expertise. And where do we do this thing? I mean, admittedly the idea of London streetfighting conjures lots of charming images of toothless Cockney pub pugilism, but fighting on the cold mean streets of Jerusalem does lend a certain sort of historical resonance, don’t you think?

    Oh, and interestingly enough, gun control in Israel is pretty strict! Who knew?

  • Good grief. Yes Jewdas, perhaps we ought to keep it civil. I mean, it would hardly be sporting would it? Can one really do it East London style when one wasn’t really raised on the mean streets? I doubt anyone in Jewdas was raised anywhere near East London and the only fighting you all have ever engaged in was over who would be the best boy’s evening favorite at whatever poofy boarding school your parents whisked you off to. Seriously, if you all are as tough as your continental buddies at Heeb well… suffice it to say that Josh Neuman and David Kelsey’s physical prowess, with all due respect, hardly inspires fear.

    And I’m certain you’d love for the IDF to lay their guns down. Strong Jews seem to make you uncomfortable. So, in lieu of a splendid round of fisticuffs at dawn, which I assure you would have been great fun for me, you all keep doing whatever bullocks it is you do, and we’ll keep making fun of you. That’s hardly sporting either as it is so easy – you people are that ridiculous, but at least this course of action doesn’t end with a wee little Jewish Lord Fauntelroy running home to Mummy with a bleeding nose and a split lip.

  • ck wrote: Jewish Lord Fauntelroy running home to Mummy with a bleeding nose and a split lip.

    A stiff upper split lip? 😉

  • Hmmm, strange how you vow to keep taking the piss out of us when fundamentally, we don’t give a shit about you, and have never picked a fight with you.

    Sorry, you’re just not very important. You write an internet blog read by a handful of people. That makes you very small. Gasp, pick yourself up off the floor.

  • My Mom is too busy making shakshuka and babysitting grandchildren to read any blog. And yeah D, we are a little self righteous, we admit it! But it’s all in good fun. I mean if those Jewdas guys ever make it to Israel, even if it’s on some touchy feely fact finding mission in Ramallah or something, we’ll probably take em out for a beer and laugh at ourselves. We’ll get really drunk and take silly mercifully out of focus pics and end up pals. Pals who disagree on fundamental political/religious issues but pals nonetheless. Why? Because really we’re fundamentally good people who just like to kid around a bit. I mean jesus, Michael talks about shaving off all his body hair and then going out in public. How can anyone take that seriously? Everyone knows Michael is an agoraphobe! Sheesh.

  • My parents don’t read this blog either.

    But I have to say that when ever I think of the Jewdas v. Jewlicious throwdown, I think of the fight scene in Bridget Jones’s Diary, between Daniel Cleaver (Hugh Grant) and Mark Darcy (Colin Firth). Worth the rental for that scene alone.

  • Heyyy! Esther!!! I’m a rough tough street brawlin’ man! I (seriously) got into a fight with an entire bar full of drunkn Mizrachi men just 2 weeks ago. I’ve been in more brawls than I can count. I’m no fricken Hugh Grant for chrissakes!

  • hey wait – didn’t we already invite the jewdas folks to come on a FREE TRIP to Israel already, AND that we’d take them out to drinks, and they turned it down? Something about not missing cricket?

    Some people have no sense of opportunity.

  • Oh but cmon, there really is no such thing as a free lunch, is there?

    And “Hmmm, strange how you keep commenting given that you don’t give a shit about us.” – are you six years old or something?

  • Nope, you missed out on a free lunch. If I weren’t so old, I would have begged and pled with these guys to have the opportunity you rejected. Amazing.

  • Yikes Jewdas. What did you think we were going to do to you? Brainwash you with invisible microwaves? Mobius and several of the folks from Jewschool came and their brains remain unscathed. As for lunch, Hummus at Taami is like 16 shekels. Not free but well, well worth it. It coulda all been yours! Oh well.

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