Maxim is just another word for MoronThanks to the Sydney Morning Herald via Jezebel via Heeb, I now know that Maxim Magazine considers the following 5 women the world’s unsexiest:

1. Sarah Jessica Parker
2. Amy Winehouse
3. Sandra Oh
4. Madonna
5. Britney Spears

Sarah’s father is Jewish, she considers herself a cultural Jew and she’s married to Jewish actor Mathew Broderick. Winehouse is of course Jewish, and Madonna? Well, she’s been to Israel. In light of the recent brouhaha regarding actress Halle Berry’s Jewish-nose joke on The Jay Leno Show, it’s understandable that one might be sensitive to further disses on semitic sexuality. But none of that really matters. What’s important to take away from all of this is that Maxim Magazine is made by and for morons. I don’t care that it’s the official organ of Israeli propaganda efforts aimed at 18-35 year old men.

One of the Jezebel commenters sussed out what made these women so unsexy to the Neanderthals at Maxim:

And we have to consider the source. SJP’s nose is probably bigger than the average Maxim employee’s dick, so of course it threatens them… And notice one other thing: SJP is the star in her house, not Matthew. Madonna has never taken shit from any guy. Sandra Oh’s character on Grey’s is also totally independent. Even crazy ass Britney is not to be tamed (Amy I cannot defend because I know what she used to look like and is obviously killing herself).

So these aren’t women that the folks at Maxim wouldn’t sleep with – these are women your average Maxim moron couldn’t sleep with in a million years. They are essentially women too smart/assertive/dangerous etc. to ever want to sleep with the kind of wanker who reads (?) and enjoys Maxim.

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ck

Founder and Publisher of Jewlicious, David Abitbol lives in Jerusalem with his wife, newborn daughter and toddler son. Blogging as "ck" he's been blocked on twitter by the right and the left, so he's doing something right.

32 Comments

  • First of all, I think it’s rude to even put up such a list, regardless whether those women are off-league or not.

    I know a lot of guys (Jewish and non-Jewish) that consider 80% of the women on the above list unattractive – because of their appearance and / or conduct. As for the remaining 20%, I’d like to quote one of my brothers again, “I sure do watch her videos, but the way every guy does: we switch off the sound and imagine she’s moaning”.

  • I want Sarah Jessica Parker’s clothes. And Mr. Big. Yes, ck, I know, I know … 😉

  • Very well put. The women they dont find sexy are women that go their own way, have their own ideas, and don’t kow-tow. That is what I love about Jewish women! (My wife in particular)

  • Muffti can’t believe he is weighing on this because it is so stupid, but you guys are reading an awful lot into a short list of 5. And so far as celebrities go, these are sort of second class look-wise like it or not. All rankings of this sort are pretty stupid and neaderthalish but Muffti isn’t sure why you are singling out Maxim.

    Unless you were just really desperate to post someting.

  • Although I once used the men’s room at Dennis Publishing (Maxim Magazine’s parent), I cannot comment on comparative nose or appendage sizes. But I wanted to comment that in addition to SJP, Madonna (Esther), and Winehouse — doesnt Sandro Oh play a half Jewish doctor on Gray’s Anatomy? In reality, it was a poll of readers of laddie magazines – men not known for brain power – and they are just not into ethnic types.

  • I’m wondering if what this is about is actually that these women are held up as sex symbols and they are saying it’s unwarranted. They’re not buying the image they’re selling. SJP has a great body, but no one can convice me that that is a pretty face, yet she does advertizing for beauty products, fashion, etc. Amy’s a trainwreck and is unsexy because she looks *diseased*; except for the gaping hole where she’s missing a tooth, and the tattoos, I think she is actually pretty and has good facial structure. Sandra Oh is nothing special to look at. Madonna is sinewy and hard looking;compare her now to when she was heavier and softer and there is no comparison: she looks ghastly. And Britney seems mentally ill which couldn’t be sexy.

    Making up a list of who is unsexy is stupid and juvenile, but I think it’s typical of Maxim writers and readers. And I have to say, I don’t really disagree with the choices.

  • What does this have to do with Jewish women? Sarah’s father was Jewish but she’s not. Amy’s mother is also not Jewish and she’s doesn’t care about her Jewish heritage. Much ado about nothing, ck.

  • Ran: Winehouse’s Mom is Jewish as far as I know. I never said SJP was Jewish – I described her as she describes herself – a cultural Jew, and technically not Jewish at all. This post was about how dumb Maxim is. That’s all.

  • Heh, I saw a link to the Maxim story somewhere else and immediately came over here to see how badly all the Winehouse groupies were taking it…

    Giyoret pretty much hit everything else I was going to say, except that for those of us who do appreciate “ethnic types”, it’s hardly our fault that the media have decided to spin Sandra Oh as a particularly attractive case.

  • misogynistic and disrespectful to women, ok, but dumb? If there’s any literary journal that has taught me functional, useful, bon mots, how-to-succeed-in situation advice, and how to do specific things well, it’s been Maxim, more than the New Yorker. For all their moral crimes, (most all of which are about relationship dishonesty and power trip indulgence) I wouldn’t call Maxim stupid. Stupid magazines run by stupid people rarely make one feel smarter and more capable after reading them.

  • i learned how to make a pizza crust once!
    How to win a knife fight!— those were both from the same issue, to be fair, one of the few that i’ve been privy to read, in a friend’s bathroom this one time. But I was still impressed, it was ten times as smart and honest as your average Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, or New York Post!

  • Oh my God Yoseph. Please do not enter a knife fight secure in the knowledge that your Maxim-based info will save your ass. Please.

  • Sorry, but as a Jew and a male, I don’t find any of the women mentioned as sexy. I will add that I find all of them except SJP very unsexy, and I don’t read Maxim, I just look at the pictures.

    Let me remind you that SJP was more than giddy to hand the award to the Paradise Now filmmaker by the way. Lost any sexy cred right there.

  • Yea … so I agree.

    These women have the ability to be attractive, but something about them rubs me the wrong way.

    The article doesn’t say they are “ugly” but “unsexy.” Which could mean that if I didn’t know them, I could get turned on, but since I know what a mess they are, forget about it.

    And Madonna is like 50. Doesn’t sexy stop after 35?

  • I think sexy has more to do with attitude than age. I’ve seen lot’s of sexy cougars, in fact, I’d venture to say a sexy woman can be sexier at 50 than a homely 20 something. Madonna is not sexy because she has stronger arms than me, wears Kaballah garb, and treats people like crap, including her “friends”. On top of that, the fake English accent and her anti-americanism demolish whatever sexy she had left.

  • “I find wit to be sexy; what good is a perfect bod if there’s dull dumbness staring out of the eyes?”

    Those are the ones you date but don’t marry. They serve a very important purpose in a man’s life.

  • Yes. Hopefully a bit more interactive too. Let me clarify the term “date” as well, since that implies public social appearances and financial investments. I didn’t mean any of that either.

  • Eric, you sound like quite the catch…I assume you are equally as physically appealing as these “mattresses”?

  • Yes. Sorry ladies, I am now married to a beautiful AND intelligent woman that I wasn’t embarrassed to bring home to Mamala.

    But without practice, I could not have landed her.

  • They probably could have. It’s more about my confidence than anything to do with her. As you may have guessed, I encourage premarital sex so that you know what you like sexually and physically before locking yourself into a lifetime commitment with the right and truly genuine person.

    If you happen to meet one of these “perfect bods with a dull dumbness staring out of his/her eyes”, than it makes the choice of casual sex vs building a long lasting relationship even easier. So for instance, when I was single, I could never imagine dating or marriage to a supermodel, but I could definitely image the other thing.

  • Sorry, I’m from the Albert Brooks School of Human Aesthetics. Aim for two levels higher than “your league”, and settle for one above. That is success. Supermodels? No. Aspiring Supermodels, average models, pretend models? Sure. But I was never into skinny girls either, for what it’s worth. Hey, I’m an appreciating asset… 🙂

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