Inspired by Middle’s post, I started wondering what James Bond would be like had his forefathers crawled the Sinai desert. I came up with the following:

He’d go by “Bond. James Bond.”, but his friends from summer camp would still remember him from when he was humble little Yankel Blumberg.

He’d bear a strong resemblance to David de Rothschild. (mmmmm 😀 )

The villain would torture him by offering him the wrong hechsher / an audio recording of his nagging mum / anything at full retail price / a bad shidduch.

He’d turn down missions stating he’s “shomer shabos”.

He’d have family in Brooklyn.

ck would know him.

His mother’s fav line would be, “Special agent, shmecial agent, when will you make me a bubbe already?”

He’d run a few gesheftn while saving the world.

He’d know where Q could have got the car at half the price.

He’d read Jewlicious.

He’d always bring his own (canned) food and paper plates, cause “you never know”.

That’s it for now from my end. I’d love to read your additions though. 🙂

About the author



  • “Do you expect me to talk?”
    “No Mr. Bond, I expect you to…EAT THIS TABLET-K CHEESE!”

  • Ariel Beery is Q. He Comes up with new discussion topics and ways to win any argument, left or right. At some point he gets kidnapped by a Republican and Bond is forced to rescue him by smearing cream cheese on his wrists so they can break out of their handcuffs.

    He plays the accordion to impress chicks. But he would kinda suck at it, which makes him ever more irresistible.

    He freelances as a script editor. He blogs about editing scripts too, and how the one he is writing about a 30-something bachelor is SO much better than the crap he’s reading.

    His brother is a diamond dealer, lives in Borough Park, is screwing his sister-in-law, and betrays Bond for a nicer apartment.

    He reports everything on Twitter. His mom reads his feed and wonders where the hell he is.

    He has a Jewish best friend who is kinda homo. An incident happened at camp when they were younger, which they refuse to talk about ever again.

    He shops at Whole Foods and only buys organic.

    When he flies to Israel all the Shin Bet Sky Marshals know who he is.

  • Being shomer negiah, he wouldn’t be able to sleep with the Bond chicks (or villians, you know, for information), but would be relegated to charming them with his NJB manners, which would be surprisingly effective (albiet not as entertaining).

  • Check out Roger Morre as Seymour Goldfarb Jr. Jewoish playboy that thinks he is Bond in Cannonball Run.

    You know you’re problem Mother? You’re too Jewish