Maybe it’s just me, but do you also feel amused by the seemingly endless range of self-help books and online advice columns? Have you also come across a website offering “expert” advice on matters that was so banal that the advice basically was just an insult to readers’ intelligence? Have you also experienced the urge to buy “100 things to do / not to do”-guide books just to have a handy gift in stock for that unloved co-worker? Have you ever, actually, bought such a book for yourself and have ended up disappointed by its little relevance to your everyday life and in regret over having spent that kind of money?

Since CK has given me the permission to “post whatever [I] like”, I’ve decided to launch a little advice column of Jewlicious’ own, featuring topics and advice that really do matter. Since web 2.0 enables and encourages interaction with readers, comments and additions will be greatly welcome.

(Disclaimer: the advice column does in no way substitute seeing a mental health professional or getting evaluated by a psychiatrist. Whatever advice given by me or any other contributor or reader you take from these posts / threads is solely your responsibility. We cannot be held responsible if you take anything you read at face value.)

A little poll among readers of Jewlicious I’m in touch with indicated that the majority would like to see more risqué topics on here since, as I was told, those used to be more common in the beginnings of this blog. That, and I’m using the opportunity of CK currently being preoccupied overseas. When the cat’s away…

I hereby proudly present Jewlicious’ first advice column:
100 22 ways not to name your penis

1.Mister Magic
2.Bond. James Bond. (“With the license to drill.”)
3.Any combination of [name-definite article-noun rhyming with name], such as:
a)Jack-the-Snack
b)Dave-the-Brave
c)Mick-the-Prick
4.Beef Jerky
5.Martini. (“Shaken, not stirred.”)
6.Sir Lancelot
7.Uri Geller (You theoretically know what happened, but you didn’t notice a thing.)
8.Mini-[insert first name] 9.[your Hebrew name] (You wouldn’t want all the ladies who have ever known you to burst into giggles at your funeral, would you?)
10.Darth Vader (“Who’s your daddy?”)
11.Cock-a-doodle-do (No good. Even in Texas. No good.)
12.Excalibur (translates as: “I eat ravioli from cans while playing online roleplay games, and I haven’t changed my underwear in three days.”)
13.Penelope (Unless this is your way of telling your parents they better not hope for grandchildren.)
14.Mr Garrison
15.Luigi
16.Karma Chameleon (Even if it changes colours during spiritual elevation.)
17.Moses (got liquid by beating it – courteousy of Grandmuffti, who doesn’t call his penis such, but helped reviewing and contributing to the list)
18.Piggy Sue (for lawyers)
19.Washington Monument (“Let me be your president.”)
20.Reb Schmuck
21.Pharaoh (Got spanked in the Red Sea.)
22.USB-stick (plugs-n-plays with most systems)

Dramatization. No foreskins were harmed in the creating of this list.

About the author

froylein

19 Comments

  • Maybe I’m missing something, but I doubt it. Not only is this post not funny, it’s degrading (to you, Froylein) and offensive to those who look to this site for news of what’s going on in the slightly edgy, younger Jewish world.

    Here’s a quick lesson that too few so-called journalists never learn: just because something can be reported, doesn’t mean it should be.

    How disappointing.

  • J.D.Edelman, yes, you are missing a lot of things.

    a) I’ve never claimed to be funny. I’m dead serious. Always.
    b) We’re not a news site.
    c) Parents are responsible for monitoring what their underage kids view on the internet.
    d) Apart from Rafi, none of us is a journalist.
    e) This post does not fall into the literary category of reports.
    f) If you mind the public mentioning of the technical, decidedly not degrading, term “penis”, then you might want to consider a new religious adherence as in Judaism a boy’s affiliation with the religion does not only start with a ritus revolving around the penis and naming, but also is Yiddish humour full of penis jokes, which also reflects in the variety of words Yiddish knows for that part of the anatomy.

    Here’s a quick lesson that too few wannabe-moralizers never learn:
    check back with the set of morals you’re trying to represent to see if that what you’re criticizing actually clashes with it. Make sure your criticism is balanced. (Where oh where has your moral objection to each and any “hot babe” post been? Where has your moral superiority and educational concern been when posts promoted parties and / or reported the abundant consumption of alcoholic beverages?)

    How hypocritical.

  • Since when can’t we discuss the almighty penis on Jewlicious? Why is it degrading to joke around about it?
    Perhaps Mr. Edelman should chill out a bit?

  • …and people wonder why reponses to blog posts always devolve into bombastic hyperbole. How educational.

    One can be deadly serious. Always. And even if one (incorrectly) considers one’s self to be something other than a journalist, one can still do whatever one does in one’s blog posts, if not journalling, without being…well, if you don’t mind variations on the word “penis” then you won’t mind this description: “trashy.”

    Even though you and your cheering section seem to think I’m a hypocritical moralizer, here’s one last piece of advice, which you can take or leave: you really ought not go to great lengths to defend your penis post (which, of course, that refers to your blog post about names for penises). Most people call that “choosing your battles.”

  • Middle, we can’t, that’s what evolution is good for. 🙂 If somebody considers a proper technical term referring to male reproductive organs trashy, then that sufficiently speaks for itself. I wonder when and to what extent that Puritan prudery got ahold of American Jewry.

    That said, I haven’t tried and don’t see a need to defend anything; insinuating I did is factually incorrect. I haven’t chosen any battles, but merely pointed a few matters out, which I felt justified to.

  • It’s a mistake to name your penis at all, because the consequences of third-party disclosure are devastating. The girlfriend of a football-playing college roommate of mine named his, uh, member after our school mascot, a fat, ugly bulldog named Handsome Dan. (Actually, I think Handsome Dan was a bitch, but that’s too much to wrap my, uh, head around)…. Anyway, word got out, and while it made my college career substantially more enjoyable, there being no end to the merriment, it ended any aspiration my pal had to erective, uh, elective orifice– dammit, office…. A word to the wise.

  • Middle, then we’d, like, have to, totally, report on, Tom’s, y’know, circumcision, and that would be like totally, y’know, kinda trashy.

  • Just don’t ask me about my lower right calf. It’s a sore spot for me and involves my feelings about my manhood.

  • CTC, stay on topic. BTW, here are the most recent stats provided by the German Foreign Ministry. http://www.auswaertiges-amt.de/diplo/de/Laenderinformationen/01-Laender/Ruanda.html

    5% of the population being Muslim at a population of 8.9 million people in March 2008 hardly are indicative of a mass conversion to Islam over the previous fourteen years since the genocide took place there. The WaPo article of 2002 mentions 14% of the population being Muslim at a population of 8.2 million people. In total numbers that’s 445,000 Muslims in Rwanda in March 2008 compared to 1,148,000 Muslims in Rwanda in 2002. I’m too tired now to draw any fancy diagrammes for easier visualization, but while the population had risen by approx. 8.53% from 2002 till 2008, the number of Muslims had declined by 61.24%.

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