I am at Gate G03 in Viena’s International Airport – on my way to Tel Aviv. Yesterday a bus carrying Israel teenagers on vacation in Bulgaria was blown up injuring 27 people and killing 7. Fingers are pointing at either Iran or Hezbollah as the perpetrators, but that doesn’t matter much to me right now. One of the analysts interviewed expressed concern that this might be the beginning of a terror campaign. This does not sit well with me because Bulgaria isn’t that far away. Also, thanks to former Austrian Premier Bruno Kreisky, Vienna has been spared terror attacks in exchange for silently allowing the shady networks of financiers and gun runners to operate freely in Vienna. See? Friendship with Arafat has its benefits. But a deal made with Arafat will mean nothing to either Iran or Hezbollah. Austria thinks it’s safe, and security here is decidedly lax, making Vienna, and thus me, perfect targets. So. What if I don’t make it? What if I get blowed up? As my plane hurtles towards a fiery and in all likelihood fatal crash, what will I be thinking?
1) Mom, Dad? You were right. You were always right. About everything. Had I listened to you, I’d be in Canada practicing law, married with children, safe and sound and not dead. Sorry.
2) Damn. I really should have told her that I liked her. Why am I such a wuss? Now she’ll never know and I never got to even hold her hand. Mind you, she could have shot my ass down too, so… yeah. Shut up wuss.
3) I am so going to miss my sisters, Sandy, Tanya and Tiffany. I remember when I flew to Paris for my first big boy job. I still remember how much Tanya and Tiffany cried and cried. It’s an image that is seared into my brain. I hope they don’t cry too much at my funeral. I should have been a better brother.
4) Speaking of family, man they are all going to be devastated! Why didn’t I visit them more often!? That way they’d know what a jerk I really am and then maybe they wouldn’t feel so bad! Jerk.
5) And what about my dear friends? Look, I could tell you that I lived my life to the fullest and I have no regrets so please don’t be sad. But really, I will miss the shit out of you guys. And it’ll suck because I know, I know I could have been a better friend.
6) I should have studied more Torah. Bad Jew ck! Bad Jew!
7) Why did I never learn to play a musical instrument?
8) OK so some of you may know that I am a vegetarian. Not because I am some kind of Patchouli stinking hippie but as a matter of principle resulting from the stupid Rubashkin affair. I always said I’d eat meat if I was there when the animal was slaughtered. Only then could I make sure it was done in a proper manner and only then would I appreciate the gravity of the sacrifice. Well. In 8 years I never did that. Now I will never taste the grilled deliciousness of tender lamb shank again. What? Not every regret has to be deep and meaningful!
9) I should have done more. There was no reason to watch all those bad movies and TV shows. I should have read more. I should have worked harder on my math homework in High School.
10) Sorry to all the people I disappointed. Please, please, please forgive me! If you don’t I will seriously haunt your fucking dreams. I will.Don’t test me!
Ok. That’s my top-ten list, written in a rush at an airport terminal. If you were about to be blowed up, what would your list look like?
My flight leaves in a few minutes. Stay tuned and wish me luck! Oh and one more thing: Fuck you Terrorists!
P.S.:Made it home ok. Phew.
- 11 Things Israelis Should NOT do while in the UAE - 11/16/2020
- Toddler Running Across Jerusalem, because Why Not? - 11/14/2020
- If Seth Rogen’s Parents had just Stayed in Israel… - 8/4/2020