Saying “You can’t help who you fall in love with” is silly. Love is a choice. The concept of not choosing who you fall for may apply to certain cases, but when used as an excuse, it’s ridiculous. 
When you first meet someone, get down and dirty with #realtalk, and discover if you’re compatible (or not). Here’s an example.
Story 1: I tell you I have the perfect girl for you. She’s smart, beautiful, funny, and I know you it’s a great match. You meet, and simply couldn’t be happier! A few months go by and I tell you I discovered the following: two years ago she was in jail for something terrible; something that clearly stands completely against your personal values and moral system. Your response?
1. It can’t be true
2. She’s changed
3. Insert other excuse here
Story 2: I tell you I have the perfect girl for you. She’s smart, beautiful, funny, and I know you two are great for each other, but she was in jail two years ago for something terrible. Your response?
1. No thanks
2. Thanks, but not for me
3. Insert other rejection line here
My point? Know what you’re getting into. After a divorce or tough break-up, people often say their partner changed. I’m boldly saying that that person – in most cases – didn’t change; rather, you didn’t know your partner well enough to begin with… not to mention how easy it is to stay with someone for wrong reasons.
So, we agree it’s important to share values, goals, direction, and basic beliefs (Don’t know how? Next blog-post will discuss the Categories of Compatibility, or contact me if you just can’t wait). Let’s move on to the challenging part: staying in love once you’ve found it.
You met someone fabulous. It’s fun and exciting… and you’re compatible! The fire is burning and the flame is going strong. Mazal tov! This is wonderful news. You may not be able to imagine that flame ever dimming, but eventually you realize it has. You believe you have fallen out of love. Suddenly, you aren’t feeling butterflies every time you-know-who calls, and when the spark fades, you see all the annoying flaws you didn’t notice or denied previously.
I’m suggesting to choose to love – and stay in love – with your partner. I know, I don’t like choices either. I’m worse than this…tee hee! Anyway, you have to be strong and self-aware enough to let go when it’s healthier and wiser to do so, and not love someone who is wrong for you. On the other hand, be smart enough to decide to continue loving someone even after the honeymoon phase is over. This is a decision you make every single day: you must choose to see the good in that person. Choose to love. 
Have you ever asked a healthy, happy couple, what is the secret to their long-term success? Surrounding yourself with unhappy, unhealthy couples will only lead you to believe that their situation is the norm, making it difficult to strive for more than what you perceive as normal. Ask yourself: Who are my role models, and should I reevaluate them? A priority of mine is to keep positive role models in my circles. When I ask them for their secrets of relationship success, the responses are overwhelmingly similar:
1. Appreciate
See the good in your partner, and ignore the imperfections. No person is perfect; no relationship is perfect either. Choose to love and appreciate what he or she does for you, and what his or her beauty means to you. Bring out the best in your loved ones. Add value to their lives and they do the same for you.
2. Get Over It
Learn to not argue over little things. They really don’t matter, and being stubborn can only distance two people from each other. Don’t forget your own values or what you love along the way, but differentiate between when to stand your ground and when to let go, because #aintnobodygottimeforthat.
3. Play
Remember your first date. Your first kiss. How funny you were at the beginning and how much fun you two had together. Make it your business to keep playing, every day. Make the unavoidable routine non-mundane.
May you all know love, success, health, and happiness…
and puppies & kittens. Meow.
The greatest risk in life is not taking one.
- Who Gets To Go To The Moon - 9/18/2018
- On Being Feminine, Not Feminist - 3/8/2016
- Top 7 Ways To Know You’re Not Ready To Date - 11/5/2015
What if… Someone got married thinking that love is a choice and expecting those feelings to develop, but they never did. I’m talking about the kind of love that is deeper than just a close friendship. If that love was never there in the first place, is it reasonable to expect it in the futuree?