Sometimes, we think we’re ready when we’re so obviously not. If you say you’re dating to find love, and ultimately settle down with the right person, you should act accordingly and avoid getting yourself and others hurt. And if you’re not ready -that’s okay! Take your time. Here are some surefire ways of knowing you’re not ready to date seriously.
1) You’re Not Over Your Past
5 minutes into your first date with someone else, and you’ve mentioned your ex-girlfriend. Better yet, you have nasty things to say about her. Dude, if your past is healed, you shouldn’t be thinking, let alone talking about her when trying to get to know someone new. Not being over your past could also mean you’re still behaving in a way that doesn’t reflect your words of being “ready”. If you spend every night partying and hooking up with randos, your actions come from intentions that say you’re nowhere near ready, regardless of what your words say. If your “best friend” is a girl you know is in love with you, and you let her hang out with you all the time, you might want to reevaluate the health of that relationship, and your overall readiness.
2) You’re Too Picky
She doesn’t have a flat stomach, so you aren’t attracted to her. GROW UP! A flat stomach won’t raise your children. If your list of prerequisites is longer than The Great Wall Of China, it’s time to reevaluate what truly matters. Of course it’s important to be attracted to your partner – but nit-picking is immature. Your three options are to get over it, stay alone forever, or meet someone as superficial as you are. Good luck.
3) You’re Not Selective Enough
If you’ll go out with anyone, you’ll end up wasting unnecessary time for you and your dates. This takes time and experience – both will help crystalize what feels right and what doesn’t, the dynamic you enjoy, what you have to offer and expect to receive, and what to prioritize when looking for a partner. I’m not talking about “nice, cool, smart, good looking” – I’m talking about concrete, specific, real things to look for. Do you like someone laid back, or high-energy? Is it important for you to be with someone sweet and gentle, or do you prefer rough around the edges? Crystalize your non-negotiables. Keep in mind even this may change if you meet someone super spesh.
4) You Can’t Describe Or Define Your Values And Goals
Once you’re able to prioritize what you want in a partner, your own values and goals should also align with his/hers. Do you believe in G-d? Do you want a modest home in a suburban neighborhood, or is it the private schools and Hollywood Hills life for you? Do you want to have children? Do you value visionaries and entrepreneur-types, or keeping it simple? Figure out some of the most important values and goals for yourself, communicate them openly and honestly with the beautiful soul spending time and energy on you, and see if it’s a match.
5) You’re Selfish
The longer we live for ourselves, the more selfish we become. Seriously. When you don’t have a wife and kids to live for, you live for yourself. Having a girlfriend or boyfriend is a different level of commitment than having a wife or husband. So naturally, all of us become selfish in time. You could be a very considerate, giving, generous, loyal person – if so, I salute you! For the rest of you, with time working against you, it’s difficult not to be selfish. Next time you pour water in a glass – can you happily and honestly give that glass of water to your partner and pour one for yourself after? If not, you can work on it and grow into the selfless partner you’ve always wanted to be.
6) You’re Not Self-Aware Or Able/Willing To Self-Improve
Perhaps you are already selfless, but you, like the rest of the human race, have flaws. Know what those flaws are so you can actively decide whether they are important enough to work on. All of us should prioritize growth and development, and embrace it as a lifelong process. It’s beautiful, inspiring, motivational work with real meaning and fulfillment attached to it. Asking for help is always okay, so don’t feel any shame, friend.
7) You Don’t Prioritize Love
You’re drowning in your career. Or maybe you genuinely enjoy being single more than you’re willing to admit. Whatever the reason, saying something like It’s impossible to meet a nice Jewish guy in Los Angeles is absurd. There are literally hundreds of Jewish organizations that throw parties, charity events, singles events, yacht outings, travel opportunities… You’re actually in the best place outside of Israel to meet a Jew – no excuses can deny that. Tried once and found it nerdy and not your scene? Try another one. You’ll eventually find one you enjoy. Or reach out to Jenny Apple – she’s the Queen of this town and can clue you in on where to go to find love.
Are there any other ways you can tell someone’s not ready for love? Share your thoughts in a comment below. And as always, take care and be well!
Dr.Mishmish loves you.