I Can’t Stand It When Jews Talk During Movies

Direct from The Onion, with a tip of the hat to Michael.

Do you have a pet peeve—some little thing that drives you completely bonkers? For certain people, it’s the sound of a Jewish person dragging her fingernails across a chalkboard. For others, it’s when Jews don’t signal before making a turn. Me? I can’t stand it when Jews talk during movies!

Last Friday, I knocked off early from work and headed to the multiplex to catch The Pacifier. Sure enough, as soon as the lights go out, a pack of Jews waltzes in and plunks down right in front of me! All through the first preview, they had to have a Jewish debate about where to put their coats and who should hold the Twizzlers. What’s wrong with these idiots? If you want to chat, go to a coffee shop, or that Jewish community center down on Cavendish Avenue.

Where did these people learn to whisper? An Israeli helicopter?

I sure didn’t pay $10 to listen to a group of twits talk back to the screen like those obnoxious Jewish robots from Mystery Science Theater 3000! And apparently, “God’s chosen people” weren’t selected based on their ability to follow plotlines. No wonder they wandered the desert for so many years—they can’t even watch a Vin Diesel movie without getting lost.

It would help if management took stronger action against this total lack of regard. A sign saying, “Jews: Kindly refrain from talking during the film” couldn’t hurt. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable here. That theater was as loud as an Elders of Zion meeting. Is it asking too much to expect a little courtesy from your fellow moviegoers? I guess some people just weren’t raised gentile.

Look, I enjoy eating popcorn while taking in a flick, but at least I have the presence of mind to keep my munching to a conscientious level. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one who wasn’t raised in a barn where special precautions are taken to slaughter livestock in accordance with Jewish laws and traditions.

If you can keep kosher, why can’t you keep quiet?

And how many times can these descendants of Abraham possibly need to use the washroom? If you have to go that often, sit near an aisle and leave the middle seats for those of us who aren’t circumcised. You guys may not believe in the doctrine of original sin, but everyone agrees that failing to turn off your cell phone before the movie starts is just plain rude! I swear, the next time a phone goes off, someone’s getting a yarmulke shoved down his throat.

If there were some other way to see movies, I’d do it. I’ve tried renting movies, only to have the film interrupted midway through by a Jewish telemarketer or the sounds of the Jews upstairs blasting their rap music. I can only imagine what that guy with the fiddler on his roof went through. It’s the Jewish year 5766, for cripes sake! It’s time to learn some courtesy.