Oh Palestine, oh Palestine, God shed his grace on thee…

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: If you are an Evangelical Christian, a Hamas member, or are offended by profanity and the implication that key members of the US Administration participate in humiliating Japanese sex acts, DO NOT read this post!

“Yooouuuu are very very bad man!”

You know, if it wasn’t for the kaffiyehs and the Emerald City-esque obsession with the color green, couldn’t you almost mistake a Hamas rally for a run of the mill American Evangelical good ol’ boy protest march against the fags/the baby-murdering atheists/the Christmas-squelching secular non-house-negro Jews? Seriously, just imagine the Most Reverend Fred Phelps leading the pack, Holy Writ raised in the air like a battle standard, truckstop hooker named Diesel Jenny covered in hot grits waiting for him back in the Motel 6…

Ahem. Praise him! Where was I? Ah yes. Palestine! Yes, things are hopping over in the land of milk, honey, and uninspired Soviet-esque concrete architecture in the wake of Hamas’ election victory. Fatah supporters, enraged at their party’s shameful defeat, are venting their frustration by rioting, firing automatic weapons into the air and burning cars. Hamas supporters, thrilled at their party’s sweeping triumph, are expressing their jubilation by…rioting, firing automatic weapons into the air and burning cars.

Apparently the Zionist Entity, in addition to land and olive trees, stole the Palestinian People’s balloons, bunting and crepe paper. But, God bless them, they’re plucky, the Palestinians are, and they make do with what they have – gasoline and an extremely underdeveloped understanding of basic ballistics.

And, proving that having the responsibility level of a 7 year old with a Ritalin prescription and a father who never remembers to lock up the gun is an endemic problem in Palestinian society, the entire PA Cabinet resigned in a fit of pique. I think somebody (probably Jimmy Carter, he’s the only guy stupid enough) needs to take a little trip to Ramallah and gently explain to the Palestinians that “democracy” means “when you lose an election, you remain involved in the goverment and try to make changes to fit your political agenda from the inside,” not “when you lose an election, take your ball and go home, then stuff your ball with plastic explosives and take out a school bus with it.”

Can you imagine if, in response to the Republicans gaining a stranglehold on the US government last election, the Democrats had marched out of the House and Senate and torched the Washington Monument?

I know, I know, it would have been fucking sweet, right?

But seriously. Now that Mahmoud al-Zahar and Khaled Mashal have woken up from their post-victory orgy of sweet forbidden wine and adolescent girls, Hamas has revealed its grand plan for negotiations with Israel: if Israel retreats to its 1967 borders, Hamas will hold to a “long-term,” although still temporary, truce.

(APPLA– USE)

It’s sort of like if you were getting mugged, and the mugger said, “I’ll cut you a deal. Give me just half your money, and I promise I won’t mug you again for at least, like, six months.”

But here’s the kicker, boys and girls. The world isn’t buying it. The governments of the US and EU are refusing to give any aid to a Hamas-run government until it accepts Israel’s right to exist. Which is not only noble, but finally proves that, contrary to popular right-wing blogger belief, Kofi Annan, Jacques Chirac, Tony Blair and other heads of state do NOT participate in a bizarre Israel-hating voodoo exorcism ritual that involves a bukkake party over a map of Mandatory Palestine while a bust of Arafat benevolently looks on. (Something similar to this happens, but instead of a map of Palestine, it’s actually Condoleeza Rice.)

So hey. Maybe this Hamas victory isn’t so bad. For the first time, we can honestly say we have no negotiating partner. Because we don’t. Instead we have a bunch of Islamic fundamentalist petulant crybaby bitches with combovers. Al hamdu lillah.