SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: If you are an Evangelical Christian, a Hamas member, or are offended by profanity and the implication that key members of the US Administration participate in humiliating Japanese sex acts, DO NOT read this post!

“Yooouuuu are very very bad man!”

You know, if it wasn’t for the kaffiyehs and the Emerald City-esque obsession with the color green, couldn’t you almost mistake a Hamas rally for a run of the mill American Evangelical good ol’ boy protest march against the fags/the baby-murdering atheists/the Christmas-squelching secular non-house-negro Jews? Seriously, just imagine the Most Reverend Fred Phelps leading the pack, Holy Writ raised in the air like a battle standard, truckstop hooker named Diesel Jenny covered in hot grits waiting for him back in the Motel 6…

Ahem. Praise him! Where was I? Ah yes. Palestine! Yes, things are hopping over in the land of milk, honey, and uninspired Soviet-esque concrete architecture in the wake of Hamas’ election victory. Fatah supporters, enraged at their party’s shameful defeat, are venting their frustration by rioting, firing automatic weapons into the air and burning cars. Hamas supporters, thrilled at their party’s sweeping triumph, are expressing their jubilation by…rioting, firing automatic weapons into the air and burning cars.

Apparently the Zionist Entity, in addition to land and olive trees, stole the Palestinian People’s balloons, bunting and crepe paper. But, God bless them, they’re plucky, the Palestinians are, and they make do with what they have – gasoline and an extremely underdeveloped understanding of basic ballistics.

And, proving that having the responsibility level of a 7 year old with a Ritalin prescription and a father who never remembers to lock up the gun is an endemic problem in Palestinian society, the entire PA Cabinet resigned in a fit of pique. I think somebody (probably Jimmy Carter, he’s the only guy stupid enough) needs to take a little trip to Ramallah and gently explain to the Palestinians that “democracy” means “when you lose an election, you remain involved in the goverment and try to make changes to fit your political agenda from the inside,” not “when you lose an election, take your ball and go home, then stuff your ball with plastic explosives and take out a school bus with it.”

Can you imagine if, in response to the Republicans gaining a stranglehold on the US government last election, the Democrats had marched out of the House and Senate and torched the Washington Monument?

I know, I know, it would have been fucking sweet, right?

But seriously. Now that Mahmoud al-Zahar and Khaled Mashal have woken up from their post-victory orgy of sweet forbidden wine and adolescent girls, Hamas has revealed its grand plan for negotiations with Israel: if Israel retreats to its 1967 borders, Hamas will hold to a “long-term,” although still temporary, truce.


It’s sort of like if you were getting mugged, and the mugger said, “I’ll cut you a deal. Give me just half your money, and I promise I won’t mug you again for at least, like, six months.”

But here’s the kicker, boys and girls. The world isn’t buying it. The governments of the US and EU are refusing to give any aid to a Hamas-run government until it accepts Israel’s right to exist. Which is not only noble, but finally proves that, contrary to popular right-wing blogger belief, Kofi Annan, Jacques Chirac, Tony Blair and other heads of state do NOT participate in a bizarre Israel-hating voodoo exorcism ritual that involves a bukkake party over a map of Mandatory Palestine while a bust of Arafat benevolently looks on. (Something similar to this happens, but instead of a map of Palestine, it’s actually Condoleeza Rice.)

So hey. Maybe this Hamas victory isn’t so bad. For the first time, we can honestly say we have no negotiating partner. Because we don’t. Instead we have a bunch of Islamic fundamentalist petulant crybaby bitches with combovers. Al hamdu lillah.

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  • “The world isn’t buying it.”

    Just wait a bit. The world is waiting for a few vague enough assurances from Hamas to start its games of “negotiate or else”.

    I give the current state of affairs no more than a few months.

  • Michael, that was quite a read! Your mind has certainly gotten dirtier since the days when The Muffti came to visit you and your former city of residence.:
    “…a bukkake party over a map of Mandatory Palestine while a bust of Arafat…”

    “…truckstop hooker named Diesel Jenny covered in hot grits waiting for him…”

    Whoa! Who taught you about such things? Was it the girl who was using your tzitzit as though they were nipple-tassles that night in the Big Easy??? 🙂

  • Whoa, not to be frum, but that was rough. But it was hilarious!

    I’m not ready to trust Annan, Chirac and others’ intentions yet, but hey, who am I to complain of their support? I agree with your overall point, though.

  • Silly Muffti, I always had a dirty mind. I mean, I was listening to Prince at the age of two, it was unavoidable. I just suppressed it for a period of time in deference to a higher power. Then I realized that was personally dishonest, and also not very much fun.

    And as far as “Nipple-Tassel-Tzitzit-Girl,” or as we dub her for convenience’s sake, “Meredith,” pssh, I probably taught her a thing or two.

    Oh, and thanks, Daphna and Adrian Gonzales!

  • I am fearing eagerly anticipating all that Michael has to teach the birthrighters–and anyone assigned to co-madrichut with him–this summer…

    I’m gonna need a dictionary, though.

  • michael, being personally honest with myself I thought i would point out that personal honesty often sometimes has to end where responsibility to something greater kicks in. Like if I ever have kids, it may be at times personally dishonest to care for their every whining need, but you do it cause it’s right.

    All I’m saying is, you make your choices and set your priorities. Just don’t come by one day soon and give me the “right is what i feel it is, for me” speech.

    But hey, I don’t mean to rain on you I’m-a-bad-ass parade.

    nice post, btw.

  • Leave it to ‘site admin’ to come in and give you the ‘oh-you’re-just-being-a-bad-ass-you-irresponsible-mother-fucker’ speech. Muffti applauds personal honesty and doesn’t see what the hell that has to do with catering to CKs whiny brats every stupid need. No one here is saying that what is right is what feels right: we’re saying that what is right is what is true. What should you believe is true? What you have the best evidence for. It’s not feeling, baby, it’s basic subjective probabilities!

  • Laya, while I appreciate your sentiment, I’m afraid there are only two people whose advice I’m willing take to heart, and they are:

    1) my mother
    2) B.A. Baracus

    In that order!

  • esther wrote: “anyone assigned to co-madrichut with him–this summer…”

    Oh didn’t I mention the change? That anyone would be you. Adam can’t make it. Heh …

  • I still have residual guilt for michael losing his religion on our watch. And we were always so nice to the little shaygetz!

  • ck, no you didn’t mention that GM couldn’t make it, but I did read the site while I was away and realized that the change had been made. ‘Cause I’m all brainy and stuff.

  • oh no! michael lost his religion???
    ok dear frum commentators! who s signing up for the rescue mission??
    i think this really requires the jsirpico’s involvement!

  • It’s all fun and games until someone mentions bukkake… that’s the only time I’ve ever said “Ew” aloud while reading this site. Ever.

    I’m curious, though, as to why they would have a bukkake party over a map sans Israel? Bukkake is all about the degradation and objectification of women… so… wouldn’t it make more sense to do it over a map that was all Israel?

    Well, that’s the end of my twisted thought process. Back to you Michael 😉

  • Oops. “a friend” made a double post here, and I deleted one of them, but both accidentally got deleted. My bad. But, friend, your “Ahem” has been duly noted. Your secret’s safe with me!

    Jason – you’re confusing standard bukkake with bukkake voodoo exorcism rituals. Come on! Follow! Everyone should know the difference!

    Joy – I got an 800 SAT verbal score and even I’m not sure what perspicacious means.