We’ve all been on that terrible first date: the guy too nervous to make eye contact with you; the girl who won’t stop talking about her ex; the ex-addict as of two weeks ago (Yikes-a-bee!); the 40-year-old virgin; the F.O.B. illegal just-wants-a-green-card disaster; the so-dull-I’m-going-to-need-3-more-shots-of-Patron situation; the catfish that leaves you wishing you’d used a reverse phone lookup; or a combination of the above.
What makes it ten times worse, just when you were sure it could not possibly get any worse, is when the person sitting across from you is having a blast and can’t wait to see you again… Oy vey! You charmer, you… what have you done? Is it your smile? Your eyes? Are you showing too much skin? Is your personality that amazing? Are your jokes too damn funny? Well, friends, it’s time to un-do the magic spell you cast upon Mr. or Ms. Wrong and avoid getting asked on the second date you are absolutely unwilling to go on….and here’s how:
1.The Uber-Nerd Laugh: I’m not talking about a normal-nerdy laugh. I’m talking about a ridiculously nerdy laugh…but you need to maintain it and keep it going for an uncomfortably long time. Make the other person think to him or herself, “Wow, there is no way in hell I am sharing a life with this freak!” and you’re sure not to be asked out again. Booyakasha!
2. “My Mom Hates Everyone”: This is a great way to intimidate people, especially those who are insecure and self-conscious as it is. Be careful not to use this on I-love-a-challenge types, because it could backfire. Most normal people want to be accepted by the families of their significant others. They recognize this as part of a healthy relationship. Destroying any hope of this is a great way to raise a red flag, decreasing the chance of being asked out on lousy date #2.
3. “My Father Owns a Gun”: And he ain’t afraid to use it! Get really specific about how protective he is over his children, and give a few examples of horror stories from the past. Try scaring the $h!t out of your date with this classic move. If it works, he/she certainly won’t be interested in asking your cray-cray a$$ out again. If it didn’t, it will be a good laugh for the whole family.
4. Reverse Psychology:Â Nothing freaks people out more than talking marriage and poppin’ out some kids on a first date. Woah. Get really detailed about how you see you and your date growing old together. Maybe draw on the nearest napkin what you think your children would look like. The freakier, the better.
5. Negative Nancy: Try, for example, “I don’t like shapes… I don’t like music… I don’t like people” to name a few. I for one love to surround myself with positive, friendly, charismatic individuals who enjoy life and everything it has to offer; by experiencing the exact opposite, it’s highly likely that your date will not want you around again. 
6. ME ME ME!: Maybe your date is an uber-nerd and the laugh will turn him or her on (ew). Perhaps he or she is into guns and they will rush over to meet your father. It’s possible they want to settle down and talkin’ ’bout poppin’ shall do no harm. Maybe shapes are annoying, after all. Regardless of who you’re on a bad date with, nobody wants to be with someone selfish. If you talk only about yourself and show absolute and complete disregard for your date, consider yourself second-date-free! 
7. “Nothing Satisfies Me”: So don’t even try, buddy. It’s one thing to be hard to please, or a handful. I don’t think there is any shame in that, I simply think that is what happens as we get older. That said, having no hope is a completely different statement. Think about it: any gift you buy her during your entire lives together, she will hate. No matter how hard you try to be sexy, he will never compliment you. That takes a normal “handful” to an entirely different level of unpleasant discomfort and undesirability. Boom. No second date for you!
Friends, may I suggest giving a bad-but-not-awful first date a second chance if there is a slight chance for a possible future? Perhaps we are too harsh on each other. In a huge city like Los Angeles or New York, I can’t count the times I have heard people tell me they are constantly looking for someone better. Maybe we are too fast to judge….or maybe the guy is a creep and the girl is obnoxious;Â in which case, use one of the tactics above to avoid being asked out again!
The greatest risk in life is not taking one.
- Who Gets To Go To The Moon - 9/18/2018
- On Being Feminine, Not Feminist - 3/8/2016
- Top 7 Ways To Know You’re Not Ready To Date - 11/5/2015
Hahaaa! Also: Don’t fill his bathroom with your tampons (from a movie).
It’s fun, isn’t it? = )
Oh I can think of way more than 7 ways to not get a second date… Let’s see… here are the things I have done. Don’t go to a movie (how will you get to know each other?) and no matter how hungry you are, don’t order Nachos and cheese. If you MUST go to a movie, don’t pay with a pocket full of pennies – just go some other time when you have more cash (I was 14 at the time so don’t judge me ok?). Don’t play Trivial Pursuit more than once if you realize she doesn’t know ANY of the answers. Don’t go on a date with a girl your friend set you up with when you know full well she has a crush on your friend. I could go on and on…