}

Faux Kabbalah=Bad Sex: Guy Ritchie on Madonna

Madonna aka Kabbalah Esther is in the process of getting divorced from her husband, director Guy Ritchie. Madonna has been linked to New York Yankees star Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez whose wife Cynthia filed for divorce in July this year, citing Madonna as one of his many infidelities. All the publicity must have gotten to Ritchie who lashed out against his soon to be ex-Wife. Madonna has a strict exercise regime that sees her working out 4 hours a day. That and their busy schedules meant that the couple would go up to 18 months without having sex. The London Daily Mail reported that:

When they did find time to make love, it was like ‘cuddling up to a piece of gristle’, Ritchie is said to have told friends… ‘All the soft feminine tones have been replaced by the build of an athlete.’

The Kabbalah Center Rabbis didn’t help things much either. Ritchie reportedly walked out of a marriage counseling meeting with rabbis after they suggested he should always be subordinate to his wife’s wishes. Apparently the Kabbalah Center has introduced some new innovations to Judaism that I’ve never heard about before. For instance the Kabbalah Center rabbis have given their seal of approval to Madonna’s special “friendship” with A-Rod once it was apparent that he was willing to fully embrace their brand of Kabbalah worship.

Uh… wtf? This has nothing to do with Judaism, which is the point of this post I guess. Maybe next time Ritchie should try his luck with a Christian Nympho instead of a faux Kabbalah fish.

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11 Comments

  1. TM

    10/22/2008 at 12:29 pm

    That Christian Nympho site is great. Here is one of their visitors, who is obviously grateful the site exists:

    “My husband and I have tried several things regarding anal play, such as touch, toys and sex, but never this. He is not really interested in receiving this, which is odd since he likes being stimulated back there with fingers and toys. He did it to me this past weekend and I was stunned at how hard a climax I had. I didn’t know what he was doing and it just felt too good to make him stop. Two nights later after my shower, he had me again this way with the same result. I am pretty embarrassed by it, but it feels so good I’m not going to say no if he keeps wanting me this way.

    This site has impacted my life because I would have just been embarrassed, ashamed and guilty about it in silence a year ago. Now we sat down and prayed and opened the Bible and Song 6:3 really spoke to us. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. My husband has been wanting me that way for almost a decade, but had never told me. My recent renewal of heart towards lovemaking and communication with him gave him the courage to take me the way he has wanted to take me, and I am ecstatic he did! Not just for the pleasure involved, but also in that we are closer to each other and closer together in our faith than ever before.”

    What did people do before the Internet came along?

  2. TM

    10/22/2008 at 12:31 pm

    And Bill Maher makes movies suggesting the religion is a bad thing. 😆

  3. Kari

    10/22/2008 at 1:12 pm

    Just a very practical question: If Madonna wants to be the quintessential kabbalistic Jew, as indicated by her refusal to perform on Shabbat and other Jewish holidays, her association with the Kabbalah Center, etc…. Why hasn’t she gotten herself mikvah’d yet?

  4. Tom Morrissey

    10/22/2008 at 1:57 pm

    It’s a little sad that Madonna’s been lost to the Catholic community– but wonderful that she’s enriching the Jewish tradition. She makes an ancient faith seem very, very cool. Kudos, Material Girl!

    If Ritchie can’t stand sleeping with an athetic woman, he’s really got problems. Best of luck to him in his post-divorce endeavors as chubby chaser.

  5. sheela

    10/22/2008 at 2:19 pm

    Meh, real women have curves.
    As far as Jew cool goes, I’d take Matisyahu over Madonna any day.

  6. Alex

    10/22/2008 at 2:46 pm

    And I’ll take Horowitz over Friedman any day! Or Jackie Mason over the Sarah Silverman any day.

  7. froylein

    10/22/2008 at 2:54 pm

    Kari, that’s because if Madonna dips into the water, she doesn’t get wet. The water turns Madonna.

    Oh, silly me, that was Chuck Norris!

    Ah well, neither can act. 🙂

    And I wholeheartedly agree with Sheela. I’ve never considered Moadonna pretty (or a good singer for all I care), but since she’s been toned more than a prize catcher, I’ve found her overall appearance rather repulsive. Still, she’s got great business sense, got to give her that.

  8. Kari

    10/22/2008 at 11:01 pm

    froylein: Madonna is not to be compared with Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is beyond compare.

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  10. Jack

    10/23/2008 at 11:14 am

    Call me crazy, but Madonna has looked this way for a long time. Why is he acting like he is surprised by this.

  11. David

    10/23/2008 at 4:51 pm

    That was actually way more information than was required on this topic.

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