The Muffti extends a Shana Tova to all! Hopefully everyone enjoyed mirth and merriment during the less-judgemental, secular version of Rosh Hashana. Those of you that did were likely to have imbibed a bit of that nectar of Hashem, alcohol. And if you did something silly, irresponsible or even downright evil, here are some quick tales of your ancestors to make you laugh and remind you that you came by it honestly!

Noah: Shipbuilding, flood surviving and part time zookeeper Noah was one of the few survivors of God’s wrathful flood. And what does one do when one survives a virtual apocalypse? Drink!

And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father’s nakedness.

Oy, Noah. Oy, Ham. Dear reader, surely whatever you did last night didn’t end as badly as it did for those two…

Lot: Lot’s daughters followed famous frat-boy dating strategies and got their pop, to use the parlance of the frat boy, supremely fucked up. And then they had their way with him two nights in a row!.

Now Lot went up out of Zo’ar, and dwelt in the hills with his two daughters, for he was afraid to dwell in
Zo’ar; so he dwelt in a cave with his two daughters.And the first-born said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is
not a man on earth to come in to us after the manner of all the earth. Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve offspring through our father.”

Well, see, that should give you some perspective on waking up naked with your boss’ daughter(s) in the coatroom. You’re still doing better than Lot…

Jacob. Ok, admittedly this is largely interpretive, but let’s consult the record. Jacob toils seven straight years to marry a beauty (his cousin) who has ‘soft eyes’. The big night finally comes and Jacob gets it on with beauty’s sister. Unfortunately he failed to notice that it wasn’t her. I reckon my good friend Jack and his brother Jimmy Beam had something to do with his predicament.

And Laban gathered together all the men of the place, and made a feast. And it came to pass in the evening, that hetook Leah his daughter, and brought her to him [Jacob] ; and he went in unto her.

The Muffti, while a romantic, at heart thinks that seven years is way too long to work for a woman. So, to Laya-ify and throw in some hebrew, kal va’chomer that it is a long time to work for her older, uglier sister. With any luck, dear readers, you can breath a sigh of relief that at least they didn’t go (ahem) in unto their significant other’s sibling.

Jacob’s Kids. Let’s be honest: these kids were none too bright. They travel to Egypt with the goal of purchasing food from a fellow who, unbeknowenst to them, is the brother they sold for slavery. Odd things begin to happen. Their potential benefactor demands they go home and return only if they bring their youngest brother. He then turns out to, oddly, know an awful lot about them and their father. Ever cautious, our boys sit down to a meal and decide that it would be best if they had a friendly drink or two with the man…

They drank with Joseph until they all became drunk…He instructed the servant who was over his household…Then put my cup—the silver cup—in the mouth of the youngest one’s sack…they had not gone very far from the city when Joseph said to the servant who was over his household, “Pursue the men at once! When you overtake them, say to them, ‘Why have you repaid good with evil? Doesn’t my master drink from this cup and use it for divination? You have done wrong!'”

Things get worse for a while (but there is a happy-ish sort of ending). Hopefully where ever you partied and perhaps stayed last night, you didn’t end up with their silverware and cups on your person.

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  • I’ve always wondered how the Bais Yaakov and Ulpana teachers teach these Pentateuch tales to their charges. Do they censor the stories or do they provide an alternative explanation?

  • The Muffti is a friggin’ shegetz? Perhaps, ck, you didn’t notice that those stories were all from Genesis, which is part of our torah. Maybe you are the FS!

    Lisa, that’s a good question. The Muffti went to a school where they happily told us the drinking stories but censored out the more lewd ones; the Muffti only became aware of the story of Tamar (for example) in an non-school setting. It’s interesting, though, to consider how to teach a book that as a movie would earn an R to X rating to kids in a squeamish era like ours.

  • …and the Muffti isn’t sure what ‘friggin’ means, so I guess we’re even, friggin ck!

  • The Muffti thanks T_M. We gotsta stand together since it is us who ck seems to call ‘sheygetz’ all the time.

  • Oh, poor baby needs help to defend himself against big mean ol’ ck. Heh. See you on Thursday …

  • Muffti, when you’re visiting CK ask him to turn away from you for a sec so you could pull out whatever it is he’s got stuck back there. It’s affecting his mood.

  • Uh. No. Man, what a buzz kill you are sometimes. I’m happy cuz we got nominated in a whole bunch of categories over at Israellycool. But now you’ve diminished that pleasure by reducing joy to something that can only be achieved carnally. Sheesh.

  • TM, the Muffti is afraid that whateved is lodged in ck’s derriere will decidedly NOT be removed by the Muffti. There are people out there who get paid to do such services. And that is true no matter how drunk I get.

  • Muffti, I hear ya. And I want to point out that no matter how much he claims to be in a good mood, CK still seems to have something stuck back there.

    I do have one question for you, however. Are you really going to Montreal in the height of winter?

  • TM, the Muffti was going to but decided against it. He will return in the spring time when all is warm(er).

  • Muffti, NOW I am jealous of you. I wouldn’t mind paying Montreal a visit in the spring. It’s been many years since I last visited. I rent Jesus of Montreal on a regular basis just to get my Montreal fix.