I, too, am fluent in over six million forms of communicationSince I was a Jawa-sized Jewess, growing up in New Jersey and attending Jewish schools, I have been drawn to the mythology of Star Wars. I saw all three movies (because then, we knew them as a three-movie deal instead of three parts of a nine-part series, three parts of which would never be developed, and the other three parts of which would be prequels that explained stuff that we already knew about the lore of the Star Wars Universe) in the theater (1977, 1980, 1983). My little brother started collecting all those Kenner action figures, our family got a VCR and taped Star Wars off TV, and our education truly began.

Memorizing the movie was much easier than we’d thought. “Luke, we’re gonna have company…” “TK421, do you copy?” “Into the garbage chute, flyboy…””I’ve got a bad feeling about this…” “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy…” “I have the death sentence on twelve systems…” Honestly, I wasn’t even sure what that last sentence meant…if he had the death sentence on twelve systems, how was he still in a bar at Mos Eisley? But I dismissed the logic and embraced the magic. How many times did I see “Episode IV”? I stopped counting after 50. (That’s right. 50.)

But more disturbingly, at some point, I became convinced that the Force had given me the power to control people’s minds. Of course, Ben Kenobi, being a Jedi knight, could control Stormtroopers’ minds and get immediate results. Because I am not a Jedi, I lack the necessary midichlorians to master mind control. And because the people I surround myself with are less gullible than faceless, white-armored automatons, I developed “stealth mind control.”

For instance, there was the time when I was 16 and majorly in crush with my best friend. I told him how I felt, and he shot me down. After four short years, he made an announcement: he liked me back! As I got older, I got better, and the lag time decreased…about two years ago, I decided I really wanted to write a singles column for the Jewish Week. I pitched the column, and the editor turned me down. Seven months later, I got a call: they wanted to restart the singles column…would I be interested in submitting? Cut to today, and I’ve been writing the column for over a year. See? Stealth mind control. The Force was with me. It was just slightly delayed.

Read the rest of the article at My Urban Kvetch.

About the author

Esther Kustanowitz

For more posts by Esther, see EstherK.com, MyUrbanKvetch.com and JDatersAnonymous.com.

20 Comments

  • Esther I didn’t have you figured for the Sci Fi type, you should check out frank herberts “Dune” series in his book the Jews have there own hidden planet after being forced to leave planet earth by a pogrom.

  • I’m usually selective about my sci-fi. I’ll have to check out Dune.

    DiGiTaL, it’s true that I’m the perfect woman. But sadly, I don’t accept marriage proposals rendered in blog comments sections. Plus, the whole marriage thing would interfere with my singles column, and I gotta keep the fans happy. Thanks though…

  • Um, Esther, you’re supposed to give the guy your email address (even if it’s a throw-away), suggest he tell you a bit about himself, perhaps send a photo, and then…who knows…

    I mean, so he’s a little quick with the proposal, this is true. But if you think about it, he’s seen your picture, he’s read your spectacular posts, he’s seen your hilarious blogs and he knows you’re, uh, Jewlicious. So…you know…GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE!

    Jus’ sayin’ ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Listen to TM, he is wise obviously wise beyond his years. The DiGiTaL is has much to offer, and haven’t met a Jewish Mother yet that didn’t like me….

  • Hmmm….DiGiTaL, tell us more about yourself. If love bloomed, it WOULD make for a great Jewlicious tie in, esther could blog all your starwars themed dates!

  • lol, I am a closet geek, don’t wear the clothes, collect the junk, and Rule #1 especially don’t talk about it much with the ladies….

  • B”H

    Am I less of Star Wars fan because I like The Empire Strikes Back much more then Star Wars IV?
    Its around 50 for me for V on the VHS copy I have of that and half that or so for IV? I can give reasons why I like V better then IV. I even like Return of the Jedi better then IV.

  • Man, I’m an overt geek and I loathe the star wars franchise. Same with Star blech. Give me Dune, Battlestar Galactica (the original no less), The Outer Limits (original or new), or any good novel about being a long lifer, a ringworld engineer, a doper doomed to spy on himself and his friends, or just a good tech manual any day over forcing me to watch (and subsiquently fall asleep during) star wars (all 6 episodes…).

    Not to knock all that is wrong with overt geekdom (see: Trekkies), but the “line people”, as they are so called, scare me. A lot. Also, the short version is miles better (funnier too).

    In summation, I hate Star Wars because it is boring. I would rather suffer through Spanish Inquisition (nobody expected that one, hey?) than the mindless tripe put forth by Lucas and his stormtroopers – who subsiquently suffer from terrible eye sight as they missed the mark on (Luke) this series.

    DiGiTaL: if you cannot talk about geekdom w/ girls, *waves hand* she is not the girl you are looking for.

  • Everyone’s entitled to his or her sci fi opinions. Clearly you know where I stand.

    I know that no one ever expects the Spanish inquisition. And no one expects a western to happen in space. And yet, Serenity’s rocking theaters soon…

  • I know! How cool is it that Firefly didn’t suffer the same fate as Farscape? I might actually go see it (though, I am currently far from impressed with Hollywood’s take on SF these days).

    Also, re: the “Western in Space” comment. I don’t know if anyone else caught the overtones of the “quest for democracy” in Ep3, but I think the last thing on John Wayne’s mind when he was slinging his guns was the right to free and fair elections.

    It was awesome that the chief weapon that Lucas’s marketing machine used was surprise and fear, fear and surprise. Rather, the two chief weapons that Lucas’s marketing machine used were fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency. Or, the three chief weapons that Lucas’s marketing machine used were fear, surpirse, ruthless efficiency, and a fanatical devotion to midnight showings. Amongst the chief weapons of Lucas’s marketing machine uses are fear, surprise, blah blah blah.

  • “Dune” isn’t about Jews… the Fremen are definitely descended from Middle Easterners, and have a lot of terms that are taken from Hebrew and Arabic, but they’re not Jews.

  • B”H

    Haven’t got into any Dune outside the first one. I thought that was good.

  • Does anybody here have what to say about the new Battlestar Galactica? I didn’t think much of the old one. It couldn’t be any worse. BH’

  • This just in: Star Wars geeks are weird. And dangerous.
    “Two British Star Wars fans sustained critical injuries after constructing their own lightsabers from fluorescent light tubes filled with liquid fuel.”
    Didn’t their mothers warn them about playing with light sabers?

  • esther,
    i was just flipping through the Artscroll Tanach over Shabbos, and in the back, right next to the Index, there’s a pronunciation key for the Hebrew-to-English transliterations of all the Biblical names. in the “yud” section, one of the names, i freakin’ kid you not, was “Yud-Ayin-Daled-Yud”, pronounced in Hebrew as “Yedai”, transliterated by Artscroll as “Jedi the Seer.” unfortunately, when i looked him (or her) up in the Index, he/she was not listed. i will do some more research, but i figured you’d probably want to be the first to know about it. cheers!

  • Postscript to the Star Wars thing: I just got this comment on the cross-post on My Urban Kvetch…

    I would argue that the whole plot line of Return of the Jedi was the story of Elish Ben Avuya/Acher and the story of teshuvah assoicated with it. We’re told Acher can’t do teshuva but Elisha ben Avuya can, much as Anaking ceased to be Anakin and became Darth Vader. It was Anakin who saved Luke in the end and not Vader. Revenge of the Sith was also playing to themes of Saul/David and the like. Each character eneded up being crule when they were attempting to be kind. Very much the misplaced kindness of Saul and Amalek and later his murederous rampage on the city of Nob. Anakin is cruel, when he should have spared Dooku. Ends up being cruel when he prevents Mace from lilling Palpatine and eventually even Obi Wan makes the mistake of letting Anakin live at the end.

    Interesting.

  • Actually there are Jews in Dune. They appear in the last book of the series, ChapterHouse. They survived up to then by being a secret religion. But no, they are not the Fremen

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