This Onion-worthy news comes to us from D.B. Cooper.

JERUSALEM, don’t expect a country name here (AP) – Following the recent ban on orange bracelets and Hindus, the Israeli government has decided to take it a step further by announcing a ban on the sale of oranges. According to government officials, the move is intended to curb the burgeoning anti-disengagement movement which is represented by the fruit’s eponymous hue…

Effective August 1, the ban will also cover tangerines, clementines and navels. Grocery stores, supermarkets and other retailers violating the ban will face hefty fines and possible misdemeanor charges. The government will now view all those who purchase the delicious citrus as a subversive fifth column who must be dealt with harshly.

Much like the Disengagement plan, the government’s new decision is received with an analogous level of contention. The differences in public opinion reflect the deep divisions endemic in Israeli society today.

“Although it will hurt my business, I will throw my support behind any decision that will hasten the expulsion of Jews from Gaza,” said Ahmed Jalili, an Israeli-Arab who owns a fruit stand in Jaffa. “As the old Arab maxim goes: ‘When in doubt, kick ‘em out!’”

Similar sentiments were shared by Liora Steinberg, a student activist at Haifa University.

“I doggedly hold by a belief in free choice and civil liberties, so my gut reaction would be to oppose this government’s latest draconian decree,” she stated. “However, I’m all for any move that will screw over the settlers. Oh, how I loathe those little Eichmanns!”…

“Sharon’s latest decree is as untenable as his morally repugnant plot to expel 10,000 Jews from their homes,” exclaimed Marzel during a brief respite from his frantic consumption of a 10kg bag of Jaffa oranges at one of several orange solidarity demonstrations being held across the nation.

The government is also mulling a ban on carrots, yams, Dina Pirutinksy’s renowned sweet potato soup, Orange cellular provider, orange cones used by highway maintenance crews, orange post-it notes and perhaps even sunsets.

Read the whole, hilarious thing on Punks of Zion.

About the author

Laya Millman

18 Comments

  • Sharon has also ordered the Transportation Ministry to paint over the middle bulb in traffic lights across the country.

  • When I was in England two weeks ago, I found some sort of chocolate item in the supermarket called Jaffa Bites or something like that. Are the English academics organizing a boycott?

  • This is REDICULOUS! I don’t care how anti-disengagement you might be…this is insane. It’s even more stupid then the whole “freedom fries” bullcrap. And that was pretty stupid.

    Anyone who thinks a citrus fruit is subversive is an idiot.

  • If you keep up with Israeli news, you see that a lot of what would make for good satire is, in actuality, fact. I can see how someone might be confused.

    Hey, did you hear that the Maccabee Games only issued 100 tickets for the closing ceremonies to Israeli participants? Now think hard: is that truth or satire?

  • I dont know much about colors but I remember learning that orange color comes from mixing red and yellow. Therefore I belive in order to prevent unauthorized orange color being produced the aforementioned colors should be banned too!

  • Okay, now I feel as dumb as those folks who really thought Jonathon Swift was advocating eating Irish babies.

  • 😉 Shmuel really don’t feel bad like Judi said in the wacko Israel of today anything is possible.

  • “Okay, now I feel as dumb as those folks who really thought Jonathon Swift was advocating eating Irish babies.”

    Jonathon Swift was Jewish?

  • Yipes! The bottom of my post got eaten. I had made a note at the bottom to make sure you all knew that I was KIDDING! You know, like Jew Tax. 😉

    Funny thing is, my daughter is adopted, and her birth parents are Irish Catholics. My daughter is, indeed, yummy, and I threaten to chomp on her all the time. It makes her giggle. (She’s two years old)

  • Jason, I hope you’re joking. Jonathan Swift pretty much invented satire when he wrote about how selling Irish babies as food (to make it really short) would solve all the Irish problems.

    Hope you enjoyed the Punks article, though. 😉

  • Okay, my love for The Onion is being RETRACTED as I type. Look, as per the orange–the fruit–its not my fave bec the pulp can get stuck in my teeth and I have horrific memories of childhood school trips to Alcatraz and places like that, in a bumpy hot bus, kids wailing, “Seven thousand two hundred bottles of Beer on The Waaaaaaaaallllll” and the stench of warm, soggy oranges. I will proudly wear my bracelet–it may be made of rubber, BUT ITS WORTH MORE THAN MY DIAMONDS. I will wear my Orange tee with pride, even though it may not fit the dictates of any Milan or Parisian designer–because I am horrified that Jews will hurt their fellow Jews. We must stick together. The color “orange” may not be the most flattering to my complexion, but it conveys my message, so I will wear it. Better than wearing a t-shirt the blah colour of an onion.

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