The recent suggestions that Jewlicious writers are living off trust fund kids gave Muffti an idea: wouldn’t it be great if we actually HAD trust funds? Oh the things we’d do! Such things!

So Muffti hereby announces the ‘Support a Jewlicious Writer with a Trust Fund’ drive! For a few measly tens of thousands of dollars, you can make the accusations true!

Jewlicious is well placed to offer a wide variety of needy personalities who don’t have trust funds. We have Esther, the orthodox writer who parties in one of America’s most expensive cities. Laya, an orthodox woman living in Israel where partying like a rockstar is a costly endeavour. TM will probably need two trustfunds. CK, well, he lives in a not so expensive city but still, look at how much time the guy spends blogging. A little cash flow could get him out more often to spend more time in East LA with our new buddies. Michael is an orthodox college kid and, after hanging out with him in New Orleans, Muffti can definitely tell you he needs money to get his own bachelour pad! (It’s urgent. That dorm room seriously lacked tznius. Shikseh’s were wearing thongs and trying to do strip shows in tzitzit!) Finally, Muffti is a loveable enough atheist grad student. That’s the kind of life that screams for a trust fund.

So, you see, each one of us needs a trust fund. In exchange, any writer that you support promises to: (a) post more (b) post better (Muffti will learn how to spell) and (c) provide photos of the relevant writer enjoying the easy life with the money you give him/her. (Unless you support TM, in which case, it’s all pictures of a penguin livin’ large.)

Have a heart y’all. Like other trust fund kids, we long to eat sushi and caviar, travel the world first class and destroy hotel rooms when we binge, date models and hob nob with the rich and famous. And a Jewlicious yacht would certainly advanace our jewlicious cause by leaps and bounds.

Won’t you please help?

About the author

grandmuffti

46 Comments

  • muffti, thank u for this thorough investment offer. very nice but empty!
    where is account number for transfers to go to? where is the tax-deduction promise?
    or at list “generous support” button to click!
    nevertheless, bli neder, if u come to my hood i provide free drinks to any of the jewlicious staff members!! … or maybe only these w/ editing rights? 😀

  • Good idea on the tax-deduction. Hey ck, we should apply for a 403(c) or whatever it’s called, and while it’s in process we can ask somebody for passthrough permission (they collect the contributions and forward them to us, but the donor can receive the deduction).

    Wow, casinos in Monaco, lounging around on the French Riviera! The possibilities are endless.

  • Sorry 501(c)3, it’s been a while.

    Anyway, I do not wish to take this discussion in another direction…so let’s instead discuss other benefits of contributions: Broadway Theater; our own Jewlicious yacht; a fleet of Maserratis; and one Zohar set from the Kabballah Center – I hear all you have to do is skim it with your eyes (even if you don’t read Hebrew) and you become one with the Shechina.

  • hold on, you mean I didn’t marry the only Jew without a trust fund? Y’all don’t have one either? What is this world coming to?!

  • ybocher, from here on out, you may only call Muffti ‘his mufftiness’ on the condition that you set up a trust fund for him.

  • tm i thought u r unaffiliated an zohar scanning works only if u have some kabbalah water and join the celebs’ gang. nu wud also have to change yr name from themiddle to something more jewish – but no worries esther is taken anyway.
    i just spoke to my broker and he said that if u buy a fleet of cars designed and produced in israel than we can relaease some funds by the end of the quater.

    anyway make that link for support, sheriff.

  • my dear young padwan muffti. let me tell u something about the big bucks. if i set up a trust fund for u then u ll be “my mufftiness”.
    r u ready for it?
    :d

  • I’m Orthodox? No wonder I’m confused going mostly to Conservative synagogues…

    Also, to paraphrase Mark Twain, rumours of my partying are greatly exaggerated. But otherwise, I am so for this plan!

  • This is so scary….it is like the Jewlicious “I want to be a Hilton”…only not trashy (or not quite as trashy).

  • ybocher, for the love of god, will you type entire words??? The half second it takes to write “yo” in front of your “u” will make me muchly happy and will keep me from going insane each time I try to read something you wrote. And your credibility goes down when you type like a 12 year old. And btw, if you guys are setting up a trust fund for needy grad students, sign me up!

  • There must be a tax lawyer out there that can make a solid tax-deduction from your school fees. If we set up jewish schools to be churches offering FREE church schooling/education. Then the church/school says that there is a suggested church pledge per child per year which goes to the church/school, and you give money over the year towards that pledge…Is this how that Catholics do it? I will ask my neighbors.

  • you will never make money with this site. people pay to see people f-cking, not touching themselves.

    Just as no one would pay for your content, no one would fund you.

    You are made to be free. Free from subscription fees and free FROM donations.

    “SIMON SAYS” ONLY TORAH JUDAISM WILL SURVIVE

  • Here’s a good trust-fund-ish tip…

    Buy MOV (Movado), and hold for about a month. Then sell.

    See, now isn’t that worth more than a cheesey micro-payment? 😀

  • Ahem, muffti, ixnay on the ancingday iksasshay. Sensitive information from our time in New Orleans over Mardi Gras will from here on be supplied only on a “need-to-know” basis. Or if it makes for a funny joke.

  • themiddle: ok, you don’t want to buy into Movado? PDS is good buy and hold, whereas IFR is a good day trading stock.

    You want I should invest for you? Don’t say I never do anything for you.

  • Aw man if this Jason dude is right, boy will we feel stupid in a month. And I mean hella stupid. Jason, wtf. Put me down for $20!

  • Hello Patty-Cake, If I can make at least one Jew happy then pimpimg my typing up seems like a price worth to pay. i mean i ll try to do it for u, ok? 🙂 and what’s wrong w/typing like 12-year old? it doesnt say anywhere here pg-13?!
    and you know what my english is on the level of 12-year old as i m not a native english speaker or more important – writer.
    so gimme a break, will ya’?

    i thought i m the only one who cant read the posts properly but i guess i m in the good company.
    jason, i think muffti asked that people should stop accusing them of being trust fund babies not because they have money from a different source but because ck cant come up with more than 20$. You know maybe michael’s parents could have doulble this investment but your proposal is so cheap. if you look close any chart between 5 days and 2 years on PDS shows that the old uptrend was stopped by the correction in last week. the 2 year chart shows that the png term uptrend is being tested so I would rather say – ck invest rather in L’chaim. I m ready to double to your investment if I get to choose time and place. After annalyzinf IFR I see that you are either (a) gambler or (b) very well informed brother. If (a) is true then I have to disregard your comments because your not neeman, man. If (b) is true then where is a better place to share some information with other Jewish brothers and sisters than a nice Jewish blog like Jewlicious?

    warmest regards,

    retired Jewish financier 😀

  • Sorry patty-cake I am afraid I did some typos!!
    I meant long term (not a png term) and analyzing (not analyzinf). I see I also messed up transliteration of ne’eman and I guess I did fem major grammatical mistakes. I hope you will forgive me and u know wat? thnx for reading my comments anyway.

  • geez, we sound, so…orthodox (although i would say the four of us are orthodox each in our own somewhat non-orthodox way, if that makes any sense). In any case, I am all for this new endeavor. The routing number for my bank account will be available upon request.

  • The fatal flaw with Muffti’s post: He tries to convince us that y’all are deserving. In fact, there’s no connection whatsoever between funds, on the one hand, and merit, on the other.

    No one deserves a trust fund. That’s the whole point.

    You promise to reward us with… better posts? No! Sloth and ingratitude, instead.

    If laya, TM and the rest could be re-branded as completely undeserving, repellent even, then I, for one, would eagerly contribute.

    In the meantime, my theological conclusion: Judaism and trustafarianism are incompatible.

  • Yeah, Middle. Examples?… Drug-dealing to prep school kids. Operating an art gallery, purveying inscrutable conceptual art to expensive people. Failing to pay the Social Security taxes for the illegal immigrant you’ve hired at your manse and (not incidentally) are having an affair with (see above post)… “Inheriting” (wink, wink) from your in-laws a rent-controlled apartment at 98th St. and West End Ave.

    The possibilities are endless.

    These Orthodox kids, they’re so… well… dutiful. It’s a problem.

  • Now that you mention it, Olivia is a babe. I’ll ask my wife whether she’d mind if after the housecleaning is done Olivia and I head over to the west wing of our humble abode. I love the smell of Javex on her hands.

  • Middle, whip those credentials into shape! As a husband and father, you’ve got an edge: more options for irresponsible, deplorable behavior.

    OK, how should I draft the documents? “Penguin Inter Vivos Irrevocable Trust”?

  • Tom, Muffti never said that we were deserving. He said we were needy and po’.

    Anyhow, if you will eagerly contribute, Muffti can be pretty damned repellent. If you give him some money, he promises to turn into the snotty brat that seem to be envisioning. And open a crappy art gallery with an attitude that says ‘this art is so beyond you that you should feel ashamed even having an opinion about it at all, you swine herd!’

    Deal?

  • Muffti, the art gallery gig’s perfect! The quintessential trust funder’s form of “employment.” Love the attitude– just keep that aggression as passive as possible.

    Now, make sure you hire a hot lil’ strumpet for the front desk. She’ll dispose of the common while you lurk, Oz-like, in a rear office…. And never quote someone a price on something. After all, if you have to ask…

  • Thanks Tom. But, perhaps you see the Muffti conundrum: to become ‘deserving’ of this trust fund. Muffti needs an art gallery to snobbishly run as he sexually harrasses his strumpet-of-a-receptionist. But to get the art gallery, Muffti needs a trust fund.

    Reminds Muffti of that Alice Cooper song:

    I can’t go to school
    cuz I ain’t got a gun
    I ain’t got a gun
    cuz I ain’t got a job
    I ain’t got a job
    cuz I can’t go to school
    So I’m looking for a girl with a gun and a job

  • Muffti, this fate can be avoided. Simply get the poor unsuspecting future Picassos to provide the art on consignment and split the huge profits. For a gallery space, ask Tom whether he’d be willing to offer one of the spare rooms in his posh office in downtown big-city where he practices.

    This will work out just fine…

  • OK, the Middle. Sounds good to Muffti. Now for the fun part: Let’s find us a strumpet!

  • Muffti, it’s a problem, but a bit of repellent behavior may solve it. Get some downtown landlord to provide three months’ free rent. Once you’re in, he’ll have a hell of a time kicking you out. In the meantime, your post finally generates some cash.

    Middle’s idea is a good one, too. Even better– a phony Picasso. Or a faux Pollock! Yeah, Jack the Dripper. You front the $35 for the paint, get Middle’s kid to dribble the canvas.

  • Muffti isn’t sure, Tom. TM’s kid might be too talented for the truly repellent behaviour we have in mind.

  • Muffti, Middle’s kid can make the (art) history books the way ol’ Jackson himself did: by drinking heavily.

    It just gets more repellent. This is great.

  • Why get a kid to do the work when the NY Times writes articles about a thriving Chinese art industry where real people in ASSEMBLY LINE like factories churn out faithful, high quality copies of art masterpieces on real canvas with real oil paint. Apparently we can buy them by the barge-load.

  • You mean, we get to get Middle’s kid drunk? That’s great! We can market the paintings as the product of a brilliant young, but tragically drunk child of a penguin!

  • I don’t know about this encouraging themiddle’s kid to become the alcoholic, but just for the record, while I don’t want to be a Hilton, I wouldn’t mind not worrying about my rent money. So if there’s a way to siphon off a teeeeeny bit of Trump/Hilton fortune into an unmarket rent-money only account for a certain Upper West Side blogger, I know she’d appreciate it.

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