britney and kabbalah? oy this is bad for the jewsThat’s it. I’ve had it. I’m reclaiming my position as official poster on the celebrity Kabbalah beat. This throne is mine, I tell you, mine! [Insert evil laugh here.]

Well, the blonde-ish celebrity Kabbalists are at it again. Madonna spent her summer falling off horses, denouncing the material world including the evils of television and candy, and not going to Demi and Ashton’s wedding. (Don’t worry, the formerly Material Girl sent bracelets made of actual jewels, not of red string.) And Britney, having studied at the feet of Madonna, signed on for Kabbaliciousness and tried to emulate her idol by birthing a babe, Sean Preston, with first husband Kevin “Borderline” Federline, but failed to invite me to the bris. (Did you miss any of this? Check the Madonnanthology for your snarky recaps…)

But now Brit’s feeling cut off from her mentress, and has decided to continue her never-ending quest to become Madonna by following her into the world of celebrity authors. Because that’s what the world needs now: Books By Britney.

The sexy popstar – who became a follower of the mystical Jewish faith after being introduced to it by Madonna – is set to follow in her idols footsteps after reportedly being approached by representatives of the church [i love the way they call it a church-edk] to pen a story inspired by the religion’s teachings. Madonna has already written five children’s books, including ‘The English Roses’ and ‘Yakov and the Seven Thieves’, inspired by her Kabbalah beliefs and Britney is said to be ‘swell’ on the idea.

This in a week that has seen the arrest of a major leader of the celebrity Kabbalah movement in Tel Aviv “on suspicion of promising to cure a woman’s cancer in return for more than £30,000,” and ended with Sharon Osbourne noting that Madonna is one of her nightmare dinner guests, and that she would “like to punch her.”

Ouch. Someone needs some nice, calming tea. Perhaps made with Kabbalah water. Quickly, before the apocalypse comes.

(Reposted, in parts, to My Urban Kvetch)

About the author

Esther Kustanowitz

For more posts by Esther, see EstherK.com, MyUrbanKvetch.com and JDatersAnonymous.com.

11 Comments

  • Glad you are on the beat E! Watch out because next thing you know Jessica Simpson will be putting Kabbalah water in her line of edible cosmetics which are designed to promote oral sex among teenagers. (Actually, the cotton candy dusting powder is really fun, but the butterscotch body lotion tastes like the bottom of an old cup of coffee. Lip glosses are luscious …)

  • If you are looking for a REAL Love Potion, check out “Love Potion Perfume” (LovePotionPerfume.com). It is edible smelling, absolutely delicious, but it’s a real long-lasting fragrance, and it actually works too!

  • wow chutzpah, love the thinly disguised really bad segue to letting everyone know you use jessica simpson’s edible sex paraphernalia. first the anal sex, now this. i shudder to think what your next round of oversharing will bring.

  • Just trying to stimulate some spicy conversation Ofri. Actually, I prefer the Kama Sutra line, only tested the Simpson line at Walgreens. But now that I know Jobber is using LovePotionPerfume on his old tee-shirt, not only do I feel a little nauseous , but I know it’s time to exit this thread.

  • Ofri, would you prefer a discussion on something important like whether edible lip gloss should have a hechser or not?

  • It’s also Aish how they pander after these celebrities. Like that is going to make someone interested in one of their dopey courses, and become a black hatter. It’s the same thing here, it’s all about the American or Western shallowness, and boredom, lack of purpose, that leads people to use any product that comes along, w/ the word sex attached to it, Sex sells.

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