Everything’s coming up Jewish. Or if not Jewish per se, Jewish-ish. Or Jewtastic.

Take VH1’s latest talking headsfest titled All Access: SO JEWTASTIC. I got a press release yesterday, and they were supposed to be sending me a screener of the show today, but I’ve known about the show for months. Why? Because my brother’s one of the talking heads.

The irony…nay, the travesty, of my having been omitted from this project is not lost on me. I know what you’re thinking: who is a bigger Jew than Esther? I’ve got Yiddish in my blog name, I write for other sites where there’s a big “J” after “Generation” and before “datersanonymous,” and I’m named after the frickin’ queen of Persia who managed to save her people because she was a Jewess in the right place at the right time! The only way I could be more Jewish is if I wrote for a site called Jewlicious that co-sponsored student conferences on Jewish identity in California. (Hey, wait a minute…)

Let us, for a moment, delve into the complex language of the press release. Let us read aloud from our hymnals:


In an age when Madonna demands to be called “Esther,” Jon Stewart is a sex symbol and seemingly everyone speaks a little Yiddish, it’s never been hipper to be a Jew. VH1’s “All Access Presents: So Jewtastic” celebrates everything you knew– and lots of stuff you didn’t about being Jewish.

Even were we to stop right there, let us parse the first line of text on its own, by running down a checklist: Madonna…check. Esther…check. Jon Stewart…check. Also, let us note how nice my name looks next to Jon’s. Indulge a punctuation change, and replace the comma and end quote with an ampersand: Esther & Jon Stewart. It just makes some kind of crazy sense, doesn’t it? (Note to Jon’s lawyers and Daily Show writers: It’s a free country and a grammatical alteration does not constitute a violation of the restraining order. I am more than 100 feet away from Mr. Stewart right now, and would never rip him out of the bosom of his burgeoning family as he expects another lil’ Leibowitz. So there.) Sigh.

My point, and I did have one, is that I oughta be in pictures: generally speaking, and specifically, here. And even though I’m not in it, I’ll watch it. Because lil’ brother’s in it (look for Simmy Kay, writer/comedian), and because I’m so Jewtastic that I couldn’t avoid it if I tried. (When the screener copy arrives, I’ll watch it, and will post the review as an update to this post…)

And then, when it’s time for the inevitable sequels (“Jewtastic 2: The Jews Strike Back in 3D”; “The Jewish Surreal Life,” “The Real World: Upper West Side,” “Blind Shidduch Date,” “Shulmates,” “More Bar, Less Mitzvahs” etc), I’ll be primed, of the right sarcastic vintage: I’ll have practiced my laugh-Torah and I’ll be fully ready for my Snark Mitzvah.

About the author

Esther Kustanowitz

For more posts by Esther, see EstherK.com, MyUrbanKvetch.com and JDatersAnonymous.com.

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