The Real Enemy
…And take up the war on Christmas music!

Muffti doesn’t really mind seeing christmas trees around. He could care less if salespeople say ‘merry christmas’ to him in the same inane way they say ‘have a nice day’ at all other times of the year. If the hot shiksehs insist on making out with him every time they share space under a mistletoe, so be it. Muffti can think of worse fates to befall a man. And if the true believers want to put up nativity scenes, why would Muffti want to interfere? If Christians want to fool themselves into the pretence that by any reasonable historical account, Jesus was born on the 25th of December, Muffti is happy to smile and let them stand uncorrected. And if Congress wants to pass pseudo resolutions concerning symbols that have about as much to do with Christmas as latkes have to do with Yom Kippur, smile and nod.

But he f&cking hates Christmas music. And he’s pretty sure you should too.

Why does he hate Christmas music? For the music, the lyrics, and most of all, its ubiquity. Let’s take a look at the inanity that gets played over and over. For example, observe the lyrics to a well known Xmas tune:

He sees you when you’re sleeping,
he knows when you’re awake.
He knows when you’ve been bad or good,
so be good for goodness sake!

So…You better watch out, You better not cry
You better not pout, I’m Telling you why…

This song plays over and over again at malls, cafes and well everywhere else. Muffti can’t help but be reminded of an ad for a stalker movie:

He watches you when you sleep.
He follows you when you’re awake.
He keeps track of if you are good or bad
AND THEN…[loud crashing noise and quick flashing images with blood spattering]

The songs get worse. There are even ones about, amazingly enough, Reindeers:

Then one foggy Christmas eve
Santa came to say:
“Rudolf with your nose so bright,
won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

Then all the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee:
“Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer,
you’ll go down in history!”

Aren’t christians just teaching the following reprehensible lesson: at some point an authority figure will use you for your circus freak oddity. And then finally, all the people that shunned you will fall in love with you and let you join in their reindeer game. Because they are shallow little f*cks who aren’t really your friends anyways and are guided by whatever superficial features their meagre li’l minds can grab a hold of and hate any and all deviations from the norm they’ve established. *sigh* Why don’t you just slap them around a bit and spare them the saccharinely sweet tune?

So, let’s band together and fight the real enemy. Let them have their trees, greetings, egg nog and whatever other mishegahus they like. But please stop the madness. Just for one year, can’t we let Muffti do his hannuka shopping in peace?

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  • My friends children are terrified that they’ll wake up while Santa is in the house. Big guy who sneaks in through the house is NOT welcome, even if he is bringing lots of presents!

  • Clearly Muffti is freaked by the prospect of a fat guy with access to his house knowing whether he’s been good or bad. And the lesson of that Rudolf song is not that the deer was finally treated like everyone else, but that the other reindeer finally had the Santa sanction to call him “rednose.” (Cue the Monty Python: “Well he does have a red nose…hey, Rednose!”)

  • My father always pointed out that Christmas is good for the jews, because, well, we’re hawking the junk. More so with the music. Think about who writes these songs, who owns the record labels, etc. It’s easy money.

  • I should mention that it’s free to make a song (“preview”) and just leave the promotion code space empty.

  • “If the hot shiksehs insist on making out with him every time they share space under a mistletoe, so be it. Muffti can think of worse fates to befall a man.”

    Super helpful.

  • Muffti can be thankful that he didn’t wake upto the exquisitely grating sounds of Dolly Parton. In respect of the “reprehensible lesson”; your logic would be fantastic if it weren’t such a cold bed fellow!

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