This is so last year. But the discussion of whether Muffti looks like Alf or Michael Rappoport, and a recent viewing of a repeat of Smallville converged in my muddled mind and caused me to ponder the greater questions about how we would proceed if–nay, when–this blog becomes a major motion picture. (Look, if Jewlicious can produce the first birthright trip based on a blog and the first conference based on a blog, then why not film?)

Muffti: Difficult choice. There is a previously noted resemblance to Michael Rappoport, but I envisioned Ryan Reynolds in this role, for his ability to portray earnest scoundrelness–you know, that kind of innocence on the surface that conceals the evil within.

Michael: This was hard, because I’ve never met him or even heard his voice. But I’ve heard his writing “voice,” and judging by that and a few photos, I’m going to go ahead and cast half of Tenacious D: Jack Black. No, Michael, I don’t think you’re portly–I will be charging Black with a slim-down plan in order to play this role of a lifetime.

Laya: Allison Mack (currently Chloe on Smallville) has the right mix of seriousness and spunk to portray our Princess Laya, who would be intrepid enough to be “hanging over the mechitzah” at the kotel to be a part of a Gawker mascot’s Bar Mitzvah…

The Middle: Since we all know him from his photo on the About Us page, it’s obvious that we need to select someone from the cast of this summer’s breakout hit, “March of the Penguins.”

JTB Conf

CK: This one was really hard. You need someone who looks intimidating, but can still do comedy. Vin Diesel’s too short. The Rock is too big. I think we’re better off going with an unknown, you know, kind of like what they’re doing for the new Superman movie. I nominate “tall guy I saw on train wearing hat.” Or we could use this face recognition software to aid us in our casting–it runs any photo you upload through a database of “2400 of the world’s most famous people.” I ran this picture of the three of us through the engine, and whilst matches were found for me (Cate Blanchett) and Laya (Tori Amos), CK’s mug was not recognized as a face. I tried three more photos: no matches found. So it’s official, CK does not exist as a face and therefore cannot be cast.

Never met Alli. But she’s spunky, so I’m going to recommend Judy Greer, who’s spent years as second fiddle in various romantic comedies and chick flicks, who co-starred with Adam Goldberg in the Hebrew Hammer and is now occasionally on Arrested Development.

As for me, I’ll be playing myself. Or at least, if the studio lets me. If not, I’ll see if Toni Collette’s available. She’s not an A-list name, but she’s a wonderful actress with indie cred. And let’s face it: the Jewlicious movie has “independent film” written all over it.

Of course, the script has yet to sell (or be written), so I encourage all of you to submit your suggestions now.

Thank you, and wishing you all a happy and healthy 2006…

About the author

Esther Kustanowitz

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  • man o man esther, your face got all the hotties; you also looked like drew barrimore, sharon stone, juliette binoche, kiera knightly, penelope cruz…the list goes on. Where as my next closest match after tori amos (is that true by the way?)is ralf schumacher. I’m less than impressed with myself.

  • I ran about three or four pictures of my friend Randy (aka DB Cooper from Punks), and he wasn’t a face either. Personally, I would have prefered being faceless (Jason Biggs???), but that’s just my opinion. 🙂

  • I used to get cast as the nebechal nice guy/friend part (like Duckie in Pretty in Pink), but of late, started getting cast in somewhat sleezier parts.

    When I was a little kid, I wanted to play Luke Sykwalker. When I was older, Harrison Ford. By my mid-twenties, I wanted Darth Vader. But I lost respect for him in the last three films, and consider him a chessehead. Now I want to play the Emperor.

    So can I be considered for playing the bitter, anti-Zionist antagonist? Pleeeeeeease?

  • Can there be a hot sex scene between Chutzpah and Dov Charney?

  • Chutzpah, I’m sure that kind of situation is the sort for which Herzl created his most famous phrase: if you will it, it is no dream.

    FJ: Let’s see how Hell On Wheels does, and then we’ll talk. You’ve got a good shot though, unless Joss Whedon agrees to co-write with me.

    And Laya, I saw all those “look-like” faces, and how is it possible for me to look like drew and like penelope? Ridiculous. So I suspect that the “face-matching” science is less than exact. Perhaps it has to do with cheekbones or facial bone structure, or how far apart the eyes are. Because I’ve yet to be mistaken for Keira Knightley.

    Kelsey, just like anyone else, you’ll have to audition. But I have a feeling you’ll be a shoo-in.

  • Sadly, the only actor who could do justice to playing The Middle has been contacted and laughed off the idea by claiming he’s far too old for the part but would have been great were this around the time in his life when he did Cool Hand Luke and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

  • Speaking of The Middle, I tried to e-mail you awhile ago since you appeared in my making-aliyah post to want to give me the sort of paternal advice that I just don’t get from ck, but I guess I got the wrong address. If you want to e-mail me, it’s [email protected]

  • Great, let’s shoot it on the Beach at Jewlicious on the Beach2, I’m really thinking of making a concerted effort to join in on the antics…

  • T_M! Paul Newman? Why’d you give that info away? Now people might be able to recognize you!

  • Hey…I might be interested in the lead…I’m the co-lead in the
    Google financed feature that’s been getting so much press…
    David Fine (II) imdb

  • Sholom!!

    I am a filmmaker, well not the famous ones but have alot of experience. What happen to the Israeli actors and acteress are they not good enough? Come on jewlicious crew, you need Israeli flavors in your up coming project. I can guess there is alot look a likes in Israel. Like example Natalie Portman as Laya and ect…The list is alot. Dont buy names you can’t afford, use your budged in smart ways. They could be rising stars in your films.

    aigh then peace……

  • Peroxide (in the hair) can be useful, even very useful, but it has to be done right. Done right, it can be great. Especially a very, very light shade. Or just at the ends.

    Then, you need a lighter lipstick, a pale lipstick.

  • I am not referencing the new person at the top of the page. Nothing to do with her at all.

  • why do i never understand what Jewish mother is talking about?

  • Ofri is a woman’s name.

    I think the reason that nobody understands Jewish Mother is not because she speaks only to women, because women don’t understand her either, but because what she says never has anything to do with…like…anything.