This is so last year. But the discussion of whether Muffti looks like Alf or Michael Rappoport, and a recent viewing of a repeat of Smallville converged in my muddled mind and caused me to ponder the greater questions about how we would proceed if–nay, when–this blog becomes a major motion picture. (Look, if Jewlicious can produce the first birthright trip based on a blog and the first conference based on a blog, then why not film?)
Muffti: Difficult choice. There is a previously noted resemblance to Michael Rappoport, but I envisioned Ryan Reynolds in this role, for his ability to portray earnest scoundrelness–you know, that kind of innocence on the surface that conceals the evil within.
Michael: This was hard, because I’ve never met him or even heard his voice. But I’ve heard his writing “voice,” and judging by that and a few photos, I’m going to go ahead and cast half of Tenacious D: Jack Black. No, Michael, I don’t think you’re portly–I will be charging Black with a slim-down plan in order to play this role of a lifetime.
Laya: Allison Mack (currently Chloe on Smallville) has the right mix of seriousness and spunk to portray our Princess Laya, who would be intrepid enough to be “hanging over the mechitzah” at the kotel to be a part of a Gawker mascot’s Bar Mitzvah…
The Middle: Since we all know him from his photo on the About Us page, it’s obvious that we need to select someone from the cast of this summer’s breakout hit, “March of the Penguins.”
CK: This one was really hard. You need someone who looks intimidating, but can still do comedy. Vin Diesel’s too short. The Rock is too big. I think we’re better off going with an unknown, you know, kind of like what they’re doing for the new Superman movie. I nominate “tall guy I saw on train wearing hat.” Or we could use this face recognition software to aid us in our casting–it runs any photo you upload through a database of “2400 of the world’s most famous people.” I ran this picture of the three of us through the engine, and whilst matches were found for me (Cate Blanchett) and Laya (Tori Amos), CK’s mug was not recognized as a face. I tried three more photos: no matches found. So it’s official, CK does not exist as a face and therefore cannot be cast.
Never met Alli. But she’s spunky, so I’m going to recommend Judy Greer, who’s spent years as second fiddle in various romantic comedies and chick flicks, who co-starred with Adam Goldberg in the Hebrew Hammer and is now occasionally on Arrested Development.
As for me, I’ll be playing myself. Or at least, if the studio lets me. If not, I’ll see if Toni Collette’s available. She’s not an A-list name, but she’s a wonderful actress with indie cred. And let’s face it: the Jewlicious movie has “independent film” written all over it.
Of course, the script has yet to sell (or be written), so I encourage all of you to submit your suggestions now.
Thank you, and wishing you all a happy and healthy 2006…