This Guy may be made from YOUR Semen, Wet Dreamer!Jpost reported on Tikkun Shovavim or (Tikkun Habrit), a 6 week regimen of fasting and special prayers designed to to rectify the spiritual damage caused by sex-related transgressions and, more specifically, nocturnal emissions.This (mainly sephardic kabbalist) tradition is focused on cleansing the soul and raising ‘holy sparks’:

Just as the children of Israel went down into Egypt, a place of impurity and defilement, to raise up holy sparks, so too can we rectify what we have damaged in the spiritual world and raise up holy sparks

So says Rabbi Yitzhak Batzri of Yeshivat Shalom in Jerusalem.

What is a holy spark? Suspend your disbelief cherished readers because according ot Aish:

Holy Sparks are like the spiritual fuel of creation, and nothing can exist or function anywhere in the universe without a Holy Spark. These are, in a sense, spiritual packets of God’s Holy Light, that actually represent the constriction and filtering of that Light. Without this constriction and filtering, physical creation could never exist, because God’s Light would remain too intense for anything physical to contain It. Thus, the more Holy Sparks something possesses, the holier it is and by definition the more life it has.

Muffti never learnt about these in Jewish school! Good thing too or his atheism would have been brought on much earlier…In any case, turns out that there is no (at least terrestrial) law of conservation for holy sparks: we can literally use up the sparks. In essence, God seems to have used as many sparks as ‘necessary’ to make creation and then tossed a few more our way for use in making certain places holy. However, these will run out and when they do, we get Moshiach. So now you see why people are anxious to get those sparks going: a concentration of them seems to raise holiness and the more you use, the more you hasten the coming of the Messiah.

OK, that’s all a little weird, but you ain’t heard nothing yet. Why are these kabbalists so worried about sexual impurity? Well, turns out that it all has to do with demons. These creatures ‘use’ the semen of a man’s nocturnal emissions to create more demons, so imagine if a man was to increase semen volume with Semenax pills… And what’s so bad about these perverted demons who steal your semen?

Most of our troubles are caused by these demons…They hurt us, they hurt our children, they cause poverty.

Fortunately you can kill these demons with fasting and repentance. For more on demons, see the Encyclopedia Mythologica article by Rabbi Geoffrey W. Dennis.

OK. So, we have holy sparks and poverty causing demons. Hopefully now you understand why we need 6 weeks worth of prayer to deal with this spiritual chaos. But why now? Well, this period of the year is the time when we read the first parashot from Exodus, about our travails in Egypt. It also correponds with a rather unfortunate part of the year, astrologically speaking. According to Kosher Torah:

Tevet and Shevat exert a negative astrological influence, but this force of negativity (dinim) can only become manifest if and when one’s reckless behavior creates a doorway for it to materialize. If we act in ways that violate Holy Torah, we create the opportunity for negative things to manifest, in the worst of ways, in this most negative of times. Therefore, if something bad happens now, it is not because Heaven ordained it so, but rather because we were not careful enough to have avoided its coming.

So what does one do to create the sparks, quell the reproduction of semen-demons and protect ourselves from the alignment of the stars? There are fasts, prayers but in particular there is a majour ritual known as ‘taanit dibbur’. During this day, you can eat, drink and the like but you are forbidden from engaging in idle chatter. That day, the book of psalms is read three times over. This takes around 10 hours.

But what if you are the kind of guy whose dreams are bland and has no nocturnal emissions? Say you’ve also refrained from sex during needah, homosexual sex, masturbation, receiving felatio, sleeping with non-jewish women, sleeping with close family, anal sex, had an extramarital affair, shtooped any animals or made sweet love to a dead corpse (to name only a few sexual transgressions?) Well, this festival still may be for you! After all:

Even if someone never did one of these sins, he might have done it in a past life.

So says Dror, aide to Rabbi Benayahu Shmueli, participant in the Shovavim ritual.

Reincarnation, Semen demons, holy sparks and astrology. Why is Muffti the only one chuckling?

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30 Comments

  • Well, I would be chuckling too, but I’m too busy chanting mantras over these crystals so I can get parnasah and shalom bayit.

  • And this is why when I daven shacharit, I praise Gd for not making me a man. Oh no wait, that’s…oh yeah. Nevermind.

  • I became very upset by the Orthodox Anti-Masterbation policy that I learned about from Nice Jewish Girls blog last nite. I mean, I knew that guys are not supposed to waste seed and not supposed to masterbate, but I didn’t know that anyone actually “held by this”. I thought it was one of those things jews say they aren’t supposed to do, but do anyway on a daily basis, like speak loshon hara or take the Lord’s name in vain or covet their neighbors. Then I read about all these guys that are seriously stressing over this issue big time. I was shocked! I can tell you that if any Rabbi ever tells my son not to masterbate when he gets to be a teen, I will file court papers to have him promptly removed from that school, against his father’s wishes (whom I know for a fact is a big jerk-off). How much guilt are Jews going to put on themselves and how much more miserable are they going to make their lives in the name of Hashem? It’s bad enough that things like Lobster, pre-marital sex, mixed dancing and tight designer jeans are forbidden. Dr. Ruth firmly established in the early 80’s that masterbation is good, and I for one am all for it , especially if I don’t get filled with Holy Sparks more often in the coming new year.

  • Well, Michael, Muffti’s advice is to calm down. Maybe go to sleep, have a few dreams about the young ladies you find most attractive and give us demons a hand replenishing our numbers.

  • So as I’ve been thinking about this more…if a girl gives a blow-job or has anal sex or has regular sex without a condom and she isn’t a man’s wife…do the demons grow inside her?

  • What you would say if you were the mother of 13 year old boy…”now you are a man, but don’t take it for a test drive” ???????Do all black hat yeshivas teach the boys to “hold this way” (or not hold, as the case may be) ? If it’s a more zionist school, are they allowed? How much guilt does this actually create? Does this creat sexual problems later on? IS THIS THE REASON SO MANY CHASIDIM FREQUENT PROSTITUTES???? NOW I UNDERSTAND!!! If you spill into a vagina it’s not a sin, so spill into a hooker! But if they don’t use a condom, isn’t putting their lives and their wives health and life at risk a bigger sin than wasting seed? If a black hat guy jerks off, does he feel like he just ate a cheeseburger or ripped toilet paper on shabbos or is more like an “oops, got to minyan a little late” type of guilt? Do black hat mother’s scold their sons if they have to wash the sheets to often? Do all black hat guys use old tee-shirts like my friend Jobber? If they put the cum in a condom and bury it in the ganiza is that better? I’m freakin’ out here…my son is gonna be bar mitzvah in 6 years ….I know, I ask alot of questions for a chick who is not from Jersey. Someone help me out here or the Principal at my kids school is getting a call Monday morning!!!!

  • These aish gangsters take funds that should be put to use serving the Jewish community, such as lowered tuition or even free Jewish education and other expenses where Orthodox families are having less children bec. of the costs, and take these funds, and pay themselves the highest salaries and perks imaginable, and we morons not only do nothing, but we pander to them, in the hopes that they will pass the bucks to us.

  • Muffti,

    You had the makings of a cliffhanger! You should’ve ended the post with:

    These creatures ‘use’ the semen of a man’s nocturnal emissions to create more demons. And what’s so bad about these perverted demons who steal your semen?

  • I heart wacky kabbalistic semen-demonizing. I think it’s rad. And the Semen Demon needs his own comic book. Maybe his sidekick could be Sperm Worm. And they show up at bedsides in the middle of the night, just as the average teenage boy is getting to the part in his dream where Angelina Jolie says something like “Forget Brad Pitt, I’m into Jewish nerds.”

    And then (because no one really needs to see the actual collection of the emission) cut to a scene of SD and SW back in the lab, making more demons. It’s part “Dunkin Donuts” commercial (time to make the donuts) and part Jurassic Park dino-lab.

    Oh, I’ve got ideas people.

  • Anyone having nocturnal emissions, that would be wet dreams….gawd, isn’t masturbating or having sex often enough. Masturbation and sex is the solution for things that can can hurt you, our children, and prevent poverty.

    It’s nobel.

  • Esther, I still love you, even after that wacked out post on this dopey topic. /blushes/ heart thwacking\
    xoxo,

    Jobber

  • How come Lilith is not mentioned once in this post? Now that’s a funky demon.

    I haven’t been covering the daf yomi since I bailed on the second day so can anyone confirm this:
    Erubin 18b says that after the expulsion from Eden, Adam was separated from Eve for 130 years, during which time the seed he wasted created “ghouls, demons and lilin”. I. e. in Talmudic tradition, not Lilith but Adam engendered the lilin, a connection that may be the origin of the later association of Lilith and Adam.

  • chutzpah — 9:35. i’ve thought about this too. it *is* forbidden to go to a prostitute, but it’s also forbidden to use a condom. so when you have groups that don’t believe in pre-marital sex or masturbation or condoms, and who observe the two weeks or so of abstention required by the laws of nidah, then unfortunately you get some people who go to prostitutes and don’t use condoms, putting their wives or future wives at risk. of course it’s wrong, ethically and halakhically, to put other people in danger like this! of course, logically and probably halakhically, just plain masturbating is a much less serious sin than going to prostitutes or doing so without a condom. but rabbis can’t talk this way, since you can’t really advocate any sin. so even though no religious authority would say it’s ok to visit prostitutes, you end up with charedim going to prostitutes. in israel, arabs are said to be another big group that goes to prostitutes, probably because of the ban on pre-marital sex.

    i’ve looked around a bit on the internet about this, and it turns out that there are some people, some of whom aren’t religious at all, who think that masturbation (especially frequent masturbation) is actually harmful to your health in some ways, despite the modern consensus. and there are some men, believe it or not, who have never masturbated and never gone to prostitutes, and there seem to be many who used to masturbate and now have given up the habit. anyway, i think i’m going to tell my children (actually, just my boys; judaism seems to say nothing about female masturbation) about the modern secular view that it’s ok, but also tell them that traditionally it’s viewed to be bad (you should see what the talmud and rambam say about it!), but that whatever happens you shouldn’t obsess about it or be guilty about it, just do what you think is right and be reasonable.

    i don’t believe i just used the term masturbation so many times in the same post!

  • question i was playing with:

    is the problem with masturbation, legally and quabbalistically speaking, just the coming? Is tantric auto-eroticism a mystical issue as much? ’cause if no sperm’s being spent, what are the demons feeding off?

  • My wife pointed out that I got referenced on this site. Great site! Anyway, Kabbalah is the spiritual parallel to extreme sports. For those few who are into it, it’s a rush, but it’s not for everyone.

    As for semen demons (love that too, wish I’d thought of it), stories about them serve as a two-fold explanation – 1) Why do men (even ones otherwise are the masters of their domain) have wet dreams that climax in nocturnal emissions? Answer: Succubi (like Lilith) are haunting you. 2) Why would demons do that? Because they can’t procreate without you. Demons, while widely believed in before the modern era (and still believed in by the folks at Aish) presented a puzzle to the Sages. How do demons exist at all in a world created by a beneficient God? Answer: God doesn’t make demons, we do. Demons are byproducts of our actions, desires, sins, etc. In the good old days, we externalized and personified our hopes, issues, anxieties, etc., were expressed as angels and demons. Now, since psychotherapy, all the important stuff happens to us inside, not outside. We have “issues” instead of demons and we fix them with pills instead of amulets.

    And as for masturbation, that “don’t do it” thing in Orthodoxy is a major hold over from the crushingly bad influence the Greeks and Medieval Christians (soul good/body bad) had on us. Time to move on.

  • Rabbi Geoff, are you really trying to tell the Muffti, with a straight face, that intelligen Jews believed and continue to believe the cause of wet dreams are Succubi?

    Furthermore, how does the answer that we make demons explain anything at all w/r/t a beneficent God? Why did he create a world in which people had the power, unbeknowenst to them, to create demons? And if we create them by sinning, which is pretty constant, why do they need our semen?!??

    Thanks for informing us about he masturbation prohibition being a hold over. Excuse the Muffti while he goes and Jackabramoffs.

  • Lest you be led to conclude that Rambam accordingly isn’t bothered by masturbation, here are a couple quotes on the subject that I’ve seen attributed to him:

    “Doctors say: one out of 1000 sicknesses come from other problems and 999 come from emmision of semen.”

    Speaking of someone who spills too much seed, Rambam says “His hairs turn white, his teeth fall out, he looses his eyesite, a bad stench comes from his mouth and he get’s thousands of sicknesses.”

    I hope these quotes are misattributed.

    Does anyone know Orthodox folks (well, men) who masturbate and don’t feel guilty about it? Or, better yet, scholars or rabbis who don’t think it’s such a big deal? I mean, if there’s an openly gay Orthodox rabbi out there, anything is possible.

  • The Paradox is that unless you become Holy, you cannot see what everyone is talking about. Moreover, if you get there, and loose it, it is doubly elusive. Don’t give up, keep pushing on and don’t get discouraged. Also, let’s not delude ourselves and try to justify wasting semen by quoting oversexed German women. What in the hell does she know? Her medical tradition goes back 50 years and is obsolete in half as many. Our Holy books draw on a far greater tradition, not to mention the highest possible source.

  • Sleeping with non jew women? Why do you people not see that David Duke is right? Jews whom are mostly apostates, are THE most racist ethno centric assholes on this planet

    Wouldnt want to sleep with those shiksas right?

    Hitler was right

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