How Was This Unidentified Man Invovled? You Decide!

When Arafat died, there were quite a few rumours regarding the cause passed off as truth. Let’s recall a few:

*PLO hardliner Faruq Qaddumi: “The poison was administered in the food and in the medication he swallowed,”
*Ahmed Abdel Rrahman, Yasser Arafat’s cabinet secretary: “the President was exposed to something, and I’m inclined to believe it was maybe gas or something else. I don’t know about all the types of poisons, but there are some 700 that are unknown.”
Attallah Quiba, the Palestinian ambassador in Sri Lanka: Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat was killed by unnamed Israelis using advanced technology.

Anyhow, the Grand Muffti of Jewlicious wants to know: why are we always left out of the fun?

And so he is initiating the Who Most Likely Put Sharon in a Coma? Contest! Use your imagination! Use your wit! But most of all, forgo plausibility and veridicality. Only then can we expose the crucial roles that Vladimir Putin, Arafat’s ghost, Mr. Potato Head, Abe Foxman and nuclear-lazer-electo-rays in the decline of Israel’s controversial PM? Winner gets a T.B.A. prize, though there is a fairly plausible conspiracy theory to the effect that the prize comprises Muffti’s respect and admiration. And mabye CKs. But probably not Esther’s unless Jdate is invovled somehow.

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grandmuffti

46 Comments

  • You know, I’ve been saying that for years and nobody ever listens. How come this guy blamed 9/11 on the gays and pagans(or was that Fallwell? whatever they both suck) and only know are people starting to realize that he is an unmitigated douchebag? You know its pleasing to see that something isn’t going Pat Robertson after a year when his prayers to clear the Supreme court bench and wipe a “sinful city” of the face of the planet were realized.

  • ummmm… this past week Israel’s left-leaning political, cultural, and media elite seriously discussed the possibility that the Kadima party would keep Ariel Sharon in the #1 slot on their slate of candidates…

    So who are the unhinged messianists?

    You can find crazies all over, my friends. Only those on one side of the cultural divide get branded as “haters” and “irrational dreamers”.

    I’m not defending Robertson, but this item would go down a little smoother if other, equally loony folks were not given a pass for being on the left/secular/hip side of the ledger…

  • Ben-David, Muffti never meant to suggest that insanity was a disease only striking the rigth side of the cultural divide. It’s clearly everywhere. But honest, Muffti spends enough time having to listen to his buddies yell at him every time they find a passage somewhere in Chomsky to think that those on the Muffti’s preferrred site are given any ‘free passes’.

    If anything, we all guilty of pointing fingers at the lunatics and strawmanning the other side rather than in engaging in sensible discussion. Big surprise! It’s much easier!

  • Dear Pat, For heaven sake, please sit down and shut up. You’re embarrassing your god, your country, yourself, and your wife. You old fool!

  • sorry, you guys, Muffti fucked up and over wrote the old post with this one. Appologies. Hopefully master CK can fix all. IN teh meantime, let’s hear some creative conspiracies.

  • Are you guys working for the “Jewish Division” of the Shabak, or something? Let one Rightwinger say something halfway funny, and it will be all over the place! Like the guy in the bank; when the teller asked, “Who’s Next?” and he said…Peres…and then got arrested.

    My personal pick? Shimon Peres.

  • “I’m being very serious right now.

    That Mr. Potato Head looks like Mobius from Jewschool. ”

    Holy crap, you’re right.

  • Mob has a beard? The green hat though is similar to his.

    I take Muffti’s challenge.
    On one hand, we hope and pray that one day we will find out that a Jew (perhaps Sharon’s old government) had enough pride to kill Arafat, even if in a scaredy-cat secret way. On the other hand, if we find out that Sharon was given a poison pill by a Jew, then, I dunno, read on. Apparently, Sharon was dining with Peres on the night before his ‘first stroke’. Rushed to the hospital, and then released two days later as if nothing happened. Two weeks later though, Sharon had another stroke and is since in a coma to which a) even if he does recover, he is essentially ‘dead’ politically, b) I wonder if his sons are praying as hard as the religious are criticized for not praying for his recovery.

    Anyway,
    who killed Sharon? His media advisers, the media, and himself. Only a normal person would take a break after a stroke, either temporarily, or permanently go into retirement, but they kept pushing him until the end. They never cared for Sharon, they only cared that he could kick settler butt and get away with it.

  • OK, now things are going. Josh, your theory is great but it suffers from being, well, too plausible 🙂 Snoopy, good work and same with N and Town Crier!

    But c’mon, let’s hear some theories!

  • Mobius is grand. I met him in Jerusalem with some other dude, Town Crier maybe? Whatever…I don’t read those blogs, to be honest. But he likes hummus jsut as much as the next guy, so he’s coolio in my book.

    Who put Sharon in a coma? It all started with Golda Meir in the 1970s. Secretly jealous of his victory in the Sinai, she wanted Sharon out of the game, but wanted to do it quietly. One night while drinking in Herzliya Pituach with Yigal Yadin, archeologist of Masada, she met another dude, they ahd the idea of giving birth to a son and raising it on Crete with Greek farmers. In stumbles Golan Peretz, drunk off his ass from the Long Islands at Coffee Bean, and he starts with Golda. Dark, Moroccan, a former thief, they start going at in the bathroom, with Moshe Dayan transporting the fetus in his eyepatch, where it gets sent off with a doctor from Dimona to Crete. Unfortunately, the Mossad commando boat responsible for transporting the assassin baby flips over near Cesearia, and the eyepatch (now in a titanium test tube) goes flying. It gets picked up by a Carlebach kibbutnik, who plants it in the ground “just to see what happens.”

    Amir Peretz was meant to be a radish.

    Peretz, programmed from his birth by a special chip-I’m not sure how this came into being-sent packages and packages of high cholestrol food to Sharon’s office, laughing hysterically when deluxe cannolis and Psak Zman chocolates made their way to Sharon’s office. Purim was out of control. Sharon ate. Peretz poured salt on his shoulder. Then he licked himself all night.

  • Genius, EY, simply Genius. ‘then he licked himself all night’. Muffti won’t be able to stop laughing for a long time.

  • Wow, you guys even stoop to the level of joking about a critically ill man. Good job. You guys deserve the Israel Advocacy award, no doubt.

  • Well, Muffti doesn’t know much about Israel Advocacy awards, but he’s positive that if there was a ‘I Misinterpret and then Act Like an Asshole’ Award, it should go to Tovya.

    Seriously. Muffti is not making fun of a critically ill man. Muffti is making fun of the fact that when tragedy struck Arafat, conspiracy theories immeadiately arose and were reported on even in the mainstream ‘respectable’ media as though they deserved some degree of credence despite their sheer, utter implausibility and lack of evidence. How you interpreted that as making fun of Sharon is beyond the Muffti.

    But, whatever. Muffti couldn’t give a f*ck about awards…

  • Tovya, we do not give a rat’s ass about awards. I men unless they were giving out awards for Web sites that talk about Jewish celebrities and their sex lives. That would be an awesome award to get. Oh! And if there was an awards show where we could like drive up in a big limo and afterwards party like mad whilst snorting bumps of coke off some bimbo’s booty. That woould be sooo cool.

    You have a sense of humor akin to that of Aviad Cohen’s. I thought Ashkenazic Jews had a well evolved understanding of irony. Oh well…

    Oh by the way, seems we have over 300 votes for Israel Advocacy while you have… 22? So sorry chap.

  • From Tovya’s blog:

    Ariel Sharon
    Evil is the one who betrays his own people, and the voters who put him where he is. I don’t even like to think about the man.

    So like, he’s evil, and he doesn’t like to think about him…except when it gives him a chance to whine about Jewlicious being more widely read and doing better in those stupid friggin’ blog awards.

    Seriously. Can we shut the fuck up about the JIBAs yet? Who cares? As much as I like Aussie Dave, the JIBAs are pretty much no more than an online Jewish circle jerk, and whatever potential fun there may have been in them quickly gets sucked out by the Tovyas of the world who take them as seriously as the fucking Nobel Peace Prize.

  • Right, that was written prior to his strokes. I always put politics aside when someone is sick.

    And no the awards aren’t serious nor have I ever stated such. But it does give exposure to the Jewish world (like I stated).. forget about it though, I already stated that much, but instead you want to lie to your readership about what I said, so be it.

    As for you beating me in the awards? You better beat me… I’ve only been blogging for 5 months and have a readership that hovers at 140-200 people a day… I also already stated that as well, but I see that you guys distort the truth when it suits you. Fine by me. Have a great week.

  • Something I should add is that my first comment on this post was actually said in jest, and I wasn’t being serious… I was just trying to return the favor of adding pointless comments on your post like you guys so graciously did over at my blog.

  • That is your idea of jest? It’s a rule of humour that you are supposed to give your audience a few clues about your intentions when trying to pass something off as a joke. Especially given the context (you taking Jewlicious to task for daring to put a picture of a shikseh in a Christ Killer T-Shirt. (Muffti admits that to be charitable to you and not interpret you as a reactionary whiner, he at first tried to interpret that as obviously being said in jest. Admit it, that was how you meant it, right?) Anyhow, thanks for ‘returning the favour’. Your comment was indeed pointless.

  • Who put Ariel Sharon in a coma? Easy…Jenny Craig…that hateful bitch has it out for anyone ‘of girth’ who ‘makes it big’.

  • that’s the idea canuckle.

    tovya, do you or do you not want to share a conspiracy of who put sharon in a coma? who did it? the jewlicious posters?

  • When did I say something hurtful about Mobius? He looks like the Mr. Potato Head in that picture, is all. I didn’t say he *was* a potato-head.

  • I’m now convinced that Sharon is dead after all and that David Bedein Israel News Resource forwarding a note that Sharon had died late two weeks ago was true after all. The Israeli media (translated and rehashed by the foreigh press) told us that he moved a leg, was brought some shwarma, opened his eyes, reacted to painful stimulation, but then we find out that he’s been in a ‘coma’ all along. After his first stroke, the media ‘scooped’ his complete medical records confirmed by doctors, but after the second stroke, we found out that surprisingly, there was a lot missing in that report. The media and Mr head of Hadassha are lying to us.

  • I feel responsible for Arafat’s death. I was attending a pagan festival, Yule, before he died. During the festival, you put the name of a criminal on a piece of paper and throw it into the fire. Well, I put Arafat’s name. So it was not technology at all – just plain pagan magic.

  • Muffti, come on. It’s obvious.

    Hashem did it.

    Of course, if that’s the case, it’s hard to call it a conspiracy.

  • Yes I will share. It was Barry Chamish who did it. He needed to write another book, and what better way to do that than for the PM to have a stroke?

  • You’re hilarious.

    Effy, are you bringing up the Pulsa De-Nura? I read that once the curse is put forth, the target is supposed to drop dead within 40 days. They said the Pulsa in Oct/Nov. What gives? They put a time delay on it? Or did it acutally work on time, and Sharon has been sick since then?

  • Just trying to enter into the spirit of Mufftis oroginal post. Nobody thinks that Hashem could possibly have been responsible, so I just thought I’d run it up the flagpole and see if anybody saluted.

    But I figure if Hashem really wanted to do it, he wouldn’t bother listening to a few voodoo-obsessed wackos out in Hotzeplotz.

  • Muffti love Ephraim’s theory. And good call Tovya! THAT was funny!

    Keep ’em coming! Less plausibility please. No one will believe theories that seem like they could be true!

  • It was a vast conspiracy, a multipronged effort that involved:
    Omri Sharon,
    Dr. Suess
    Dr. Ruth
    2Pac (can never keep a nigga down)
    Silvio Berlusconi
    Michael’s dad
    50 Shekel
    That never been kissed chick that Esther loves
    Esther
    the grandmuffti’s Landlord
    one of the original Hip Hop Hoodios
    Canada
    and of course,
    your Mom.

  • It’s so easy to bash Chamish,
    in the meantime, he’s the only one reporting about ongoing vatican-israel talks:

    And those who still refuse to acknowledge the depth of the Vatican’s role in Israel’s coming disintegration, consider how distraught it is since Sharon’s sudden exit from power:

    Asia News:
    Talks continue between Israel and the Holy See, in the post-Sharon crisis
    Tel Aviv (AsiaNews) – Negotiations continue between Israel and the Holy See to reach a comprehensive bilateral accord, despite the difficult political situation in Israel following Ariel Sharon’s illness. Delegations of the Holy See and the State of Israel have continued today, Wednesday, January 11, their negotiations aimed at reaching the “comprehensive agreement” mandated by the 1993 Fundamental Agreement, on the fiscal status of the Church in Israel, and on safeguarding ecclesiastical property, especially Holy Sites. The previous meeting took place last November 24; parties have agreed to hold their next meetings on May 17 and 18. In the meantime the bilateral “Working Group” on properties the Churches wishes to recover will continue its work, and other consultations also will continue between the parties’ legal experts.
    Sharon’s departure from the political scene could cause some worry to the Catholic negotiators, given Premier Sharon’s decisive role in making his colleagues and subordinates take seriously the relationship with the Catholic Church and resume negotiations with the Holy See, even when other government elements were inclined to go in other directions.
    It was Washington that persuaded Sharon of the importance of paying due attention to the Catholic Church, and it will fall to Washington to continue to press this matter on his successors, both before and after elections in Israel.

  • Who put Sharon into a coma?

    A duck.
    And what do ducks do?
    The float.
    What else floats?
    Small rocks. Cider. Lead. Churches.
    Good. And what are Churches made of?
    Wood!
    Good! And what does wood do?
    It burns!
    And what else do we burn?
    Witches!!!

    So who put Sharon into a coma?
    Witches?

    At least he wasn’t turned into a newt…

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