Gather ’round, children, because I have a story to tell you.
Once upon a time, in days long past, there was a magical band of enchanted minstrel knights. I’ll call them “The Police.” The leader of this enchanted minstrel band was the valiant Prince Sumner, known throughout all the land for his daring deeds on his mighty steed “Vintage ’50s Fender P-Bass.” The people of the kingdom dubbed him “Sir Sting” for his derring-do. His compatriots were the tireless knights Sir Summers and the mighty Sir Copeland, who could make the very earth quake with his percussional fortitude. But one day, during a quest to a distant land to discover the ancient power of Synchronicity, a hideous demon beset the knights and knocked Sir Sting from his steed, and with a horrible bloodcurdling cry that echoed throughout the domain, ripped Sir Sting’s soul clean from his body and consumed it. Sirs Summers and Copeland tried to save their companion the prince, but alas it was too late – while Sir Sting lived on in body, something had changed within him. The hero had lost his heroism. The hero had turned…to evil. And from then on, he ruled over the land with a dark fist, wreaking misery and suffering upon all the land’s dwellers with the help of his sinister minions, known only as “The Blue Turtles.”
Okay, enough of that noise. What I’m trying to say is, punky reggae rock god-turned-execrable middle of the road Adult Contemporary Tantra-expousing schlockmeister Sting is coming to Israel for a concert in the Ramat Gan Stadium. And guess who’s his opening act? Why, it’s junior schlockmeister-in-training…
×”×¨××¤×¨ ×”×—×¡×™×“×™ ×ž×ª×™×¡×™×”×• (×ž×ª’×™××• ×ž×™×œ×¨) ×™×¢×¨×•×š ××ª ×ž×•×¤×¢ ×”×—×™×ž×•× ×œ×¡×˜×™× ×’ ×‘-8 ×‘×™×•× ×™ ×‘××™×¦×˜×“×™×•×Ÿ ×¨×ž×ª ×’×Ÿ. ×ž×ª×™×¡×™×”×• ×”×•×¤×™×¢ ×‘×™×©×¨××œ ×‘×—×•×“×© ×“×¦×ž×‘×¨ ×”××—×¨×•×Ÿ ×•×ž××– × ×¢×©×• × ×™×¡×™×•× ×•×ª ×œ××¨×’×Ÿ ×ž×•×¤×¢ × ×•×¡×£ ×‘××¨×¥. ×›×¤×™ ×©×ª×•×›× ×Ÿ, ×ž×œ×‘×“ ×ž×ª×™×¡×”×• ×™×’×™×¢ ×œ×”×•×¤×™×¢ ×’× ×‘× ×• ×©×œ ×¡×˜×™× ×’, ×’’×• ×¡××ž× ×¨, ×¢× ×œ×”×§×ª×•
My translation for you Nachla’ot people: “The Chasidic rapper Matisyahu (Matthew Miller) will play an opening show for Sting on June 8 in the Ramat Gan Stadium. Matisyahu appeared in Israel last December and since then attempts have been made to organize an additional concert in the country. As planned, besides Matisyahu, Sting’s son Joe Sumner will appear with his band.”
Interesting Hebrew Sidenote: “To open”, as in for a band, in Hebrew is ×œ×—×ž×, or “to warm up.” And you don’t warm up for, you warm up direct object. Yes, Matisyahu is warming up Sting. Think about it.
Is calling Matisyahu a schlockmeister-in-training unwarranted? Perhaps. But then again, “Unique is My Dove.”
Anyway, I’m a hundred percent psyched about this concert. Maybe if we’re all really super lucky, we’ll be blessed by a trademark Matis “a dibby dibby yoi yoi a yoi” intro to that enduring classic for the ages, “Fields of Gold.” Can you imagine it? It’s the concert event of the season! It’s a true meeting of the spirits! It’s like if Buju Banton or Sizzla jumped onstage and did a number with the Clash – in hell.
So I encourage you to come. I’ll totally be there with Harry, who tipped me off to the exciting news. We’ll be the ones in the front row with the iPods screaming “SENDING OUT AN SOS!” over and over and over again until security removes us. See ya there!