Gather ’round, children, because I have a story to tell you.

Once upon a time, in days long past, there was a magical band of enchanted minstrel knights. I’ll call them “The Police.” The leader of this enchanted minstrel band was the valiant Prince Sumner, known throughout all the land for his daring deeds on his mighty steed “Vintage ’50s Fender P-Bass.” The people of the kingdom dubbed him “Sir Sting” for his derring-do. His compatriots were the tireless knights Sir Summers and the mighty Sir Copeland, who could make the very earth quake with his percussional fortitude. But one day, during a quest to a distant land to discover the ancient power of Synchronicity, a hideous demon beset the knights and knocked Sir Sting from his steed, and with a horrible bloodcurdling cry that echoed throughout the domain, ripped Sir Sting’s soul clean from his body and consumed it. Sirs Summers and Copeland tried to save their companion the prince, but alas it was too late – while Sir Sting lived on in body, something had changed within him. The hero had lost his heroism. The hero had turned…to evil. And from then on, he ruled over the land with a dark fist, wreaking misery and suffering upon all the land’s dwellers with the help of his sinister minions, known only as “The Blue Turtles.”

Okay, enough of that noise. What I’m trying to say is, punky reggae rock god-turned-execrable middle of the road Adult Contemporary Tantra-expousing schlockmeister Sting is coming to Israel for a concert in the Ramat Gan Stadium. And guess who’s his opening act? Why, it’s junior schlockmeister-in-training…

הראפר החסידי מתיסיהו (מת’יאו מילר) יערוך את מופע החימום לסטינג ב-8 ביוני באיצטדיון רמת גן. מתיסיהו הופיע בישראל בחודש דצמבר האחרון ומאז נעשו ניסיונות לארגן מופע נוסף בארץ. כפי שתוכנן, מלבד מתיסהו ×™×’×™×¢ להופיע גם בנו של סטינג, ×’’ו סאמנר, עם להקתו

My translation for you Nachla’ot people: “The Chasidic rapper Matisyahu (Matthew Miller) will play an opening show for Sting on June 8 in the Ramat Gan Stadium. Matisyahu appeared in Israel last December and since then attempts have been made to organize an additional concert in the country. As planned, besides Matisyahu, Sting’s son Joe Sumner will appear with his band.”

Interesting Hebrew Sidenote: “To open”, as in for a band, in Hebrew is לחמם, or “to warm up.” And you don’t warm up for, you warm up direct object. Yes, Matisyahu is warming up Sting. Think about it.

Is calling Matisyahu a schlockmeister-in-training unwarranted? Perhaps. But then again, “Unique is My Dove.”

Anyway, I’m a hundred percent psyched about this concert. Maybe if we’re all really super lucky, we’ll be blessed by a trademark Matis “a dibby dibby yoi yoi a yoi” intro to that enduring classic for the ages, “Fields of Gold.” Can you imagine it? It’s the concert event of the season! It’s a true meeting of the spirits! It’s like if Buju Banton or Sizzla jumped onstage and did a number with the Clash – in hell.

So I encourage you to come. I’ll totally be there with Harry, who tipped me off to the exciting news. We’ll be the ones in the front row with the iPods screaming “SENDING OUT AN SOS!” over and over and over again until security removes us. See ya there!

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  • a dibby dibby yoi yoi a yoi
    That was so ripped off from “Walking on the Moon”, from back in the days before Love was even the fourth wave.

  • Yeah, s’true.

    Now, do you suspect it has any connection to a dibby dibby dum from Fiddler on the Roof? Oh, there are so many places to go with this. As for me, I’m just going to work. Bye-

  • best of all possible outcomes of this:
    Matis, donning a “Yechi Adonenu” kippa, bests Sting, dressed in a tight-fitting black leather bodysuit, in a steel-cage death match involving long white blades made from the teeth of giant sandworms from the deserts in Arrakis Bob Marley, with Sting shouting vainly, “I will kill him!!!”

  • p.s. michael, be careful how you rip on those blue turtles, dude.
    their whole “fortress around your heart” thing still totally rules, please don’t even contest me on this. and they brought such greats as branford marsalis and omar hakim into the limelight that they so richly deserve… and they certainly rock way harder than any of Sir Summers’ or Sir Copeland’s solo endeavors…

  • Isn’t it grammatically possible that the term “mofa himmum” [warmup act] doesn’t require the direct object, because it’s already there? I mean it would be one thing if it said “l’hamem et sting.”

    That said, I present–Sting and Matisyahu…the story of a musical warmup for the ages…

    Matisyahu: You consider me the young apprentice, caught between the scylla and charybidis. I have only come here seeking knowledge.
    Sting: The kind they could not teach you back in college.
    Matisyahu: Right. Hey, don’t stand so close to me.
    Sting: Would you live with me, would you be my love?
    Matisyahu: My love will rip a hole in the ceiling…givin’ myself to you from the essence of my being…it’s time we start revealing.
    Sting: I dream of rain, ellay ellay, and I’ll always be King of Pain.

    [end scene]

  • Dude, what are you talking about, rock way harder? The soundtrack for Highlander 2 was AWESOME.

    Oh, and Esther, the headline of the article is “Matisyahu yechamem et Sting.”

  • Rabbi’s rape…masturbate…sex…yeshiva….why hasn’t Jewlicious provided their point of view on all of this evil?

  • Shtreimel, what do you want to know? There are allegations and presumably a lot more info will come out at some point. I think we tend to cover whatever interests us in individually, and this may not have been compelling enough.

  • Striemel, while I can only speak for myself and not my fellow posters, I can honestly answer you: because I don’t really care. As if the “charismatic and beloved and oh-so-holy spiritual leader who’s actually a raping/molesting/money-grubbing douchebag” story hasn’t been told a million times before. Dude, haven’t you heard ‘Sexy Sadie’ off the White Album?

  • Shtreimel,

    TM is right. There are so many more positive things to focus on! Just relax, Shtreimel, don’t be so negative! Why not pick up a copy of say, New York Magazine? It’s got a great article on this wonderful yeshiva and…wtf!?! Are you sure this isn’t news, TM and Michael? A blogger brought down a yeshiva, and this isn’t news to you guys? This story has been told “a million times before?”

  • This may surprise you, Reb Kelsey, but I honestly don’t care what goes on in the New York yeshiva world. Or the Israeli yeshiva world, for that matter. I don’t care about conspiracies and cover-ups in the frum world because I’m not a part of the frum world. And this may also surprise you, but I don’t view blogging as a responsibility to transmit the most pressing news in the Jewish world to a wider audience. I view it as an opportunity to air out whatever amuses or interests me, and also say “fuck” a lot. Because if you view something as ultimately pointless as Jewish blogging as your responsibility to the world, you become an insufferably self-righteous twit. You know, like that Jewishwhistleblower guy.

    What I’m trying to say is, I’ll post what I want, and if you don’t like it, Kelsey, I invite you, with all due respect of course, my Shtetlicious friend, to bite my shiny metal ass.

  • Michael, my good soldier, that doesn’t mean it is a story that has been told “a million times before” now, does it?

  • Wasn’t there some rabbi who molested a girl on a plane a couple of years ago?

    Wasn’t there a rabbi caught touching boys in some Orthodox day school in the last year or two?

    Who keeps track and who cares?

  • Well, no, not if you’re referring to the UOJ/yeshiva pedophile issue. When I was talking about with that was the Mordechai Gafni thing that everybody is beating their chests and performing kriah over. And you can’t deny, chabibi, that “beloved and holy spiritual leader turns out to be a scumbag” is a paradigm of the human condition. I mean, isn’t this just like Shlomo Carlebach II?

    Now, as far as your friend UOJ and his scandal, why would I tread into your territory? You’re covering it well enough. I mean, do I have to be repetitive? Do people like Shtreimel feel a need to read the same story on 12 dozen blogs? What is there to say other than, “Gosh, child molestation sucks. Really sucks for those kids also that their communities don’t seem to give a shit.” Kelsey, there’s already one of you. While I appreciate your attempts to mold me into your image, that’s really all there needs to be.

  • TM,

    Should I feign surprise that you didn’t see fit to read the story first before deciding that it’s unimportant?

  • Kelsey, you guys only posted about the story 7234 times. When I started reading the first post about it, it kinda reminded me of the fit a certain somebody took when a certain pop star whose last album Michael, our poet laureate, didn’t particularly like, took a career step that shocked and surprised this particular author. Immediately, I was bored.

    If you care so much, keep covering it, go for it, enjoy the traffic boost and let’s hope that whoever was or wasn’t harmed by the rabbi gets some form of closure.

    Sheesh.

    Are there any stories you’d like us to cover Kelsey? Just let us know and we’ll send our crack investigative reporting team to check it out.

  • Hey Kelsey, your friend Mobi is having a bit of a hissy fit (again) in a post where I commented. Tell him it’s not a problem from my perspective if he no longer wants my input on his site.

    Just so we know what this is about, some poster, Mordy, wrote, “I even found “The Plot Against America” thought-provoking and shocking, despite my peer’s dismissal of it. Nonetheless, it is my peer’s dismissal that forces me to reevaluate the list. They tended to find the book boring. Some called it a relic of a disappearing vision of American Judaism. They said it was tedious and inconsequential to the realities of today.”

    I wrote a comment saying, “Your peers who dismissed The Plot Against America should get busy reading Mearsheimer and Walt, not to mention their advocates like Cole.”

    Your friend, Mobi, wrote to me, “that’s it…you’re gone.” (actually, that’s what he edited it to, I forget the original comment).

    He then modified my comments to him by rewriting my words in a follow up post where I reminded him that unlike him I was not in violation of the Lashon Hara rules he had decided to post another day when he had a…yup, hissy fit about something else. So then your friend who has this green Lashon Hara (no badmouthing, to those who need the Cliff Notes) sticker all over his site changed my comment to say “I am a contemptable person.”

    Just thought there should be a record. You should go through the last few comments I made on your site and tell me whether they are contemptible.

  • TM,

    You’ll “send out” a crack reporting team? Ha! I brought you people the U.S. Democratic Senatorial candidate of Texas, who happens to be an ADL supporter and (most important to you, TM) an AIPAC supporter as well, and she got GORNISHT from your “reporting team.” Ask your buddies if I am exaggerating one tiny little bit. Ask CK, Esther, Grand Mufti, and Laya if it ain’t so.

    So I would like to warn anyone who is even thinking about introducing Jewlicious writers to VIP’s: Don’t bother.

    If it doesn’t involve young people and sand at either a beach or a desert, they simply don’t care.

  • TM,

    What Mobius is doing is what I’d like to do if I had the power. He has the power, though, so I’ll kiss his ass and say that it is also very funny, although I kinda realize that it goes against everything I thought we stood for over at our site. Oy, why did they circumcise me?

    He has just given you a generous offer. I suggest you take it.

  • By the way, DK, I’m the assigned VIP coverage guy on Jewlicious. That’s why you didn’t get any traction with the others. Heck, I even write lengthy responses to Leftists. 😉 Oh, and by the way, why do you suppose I care about AIPAC? Is it because I don’t whine about how they did something wrong in the Franklin case while you are ready to accept the case against these two men?

  • To Mobi, since you have now modified two of my comments and deleted a third, none of which said anything offensive, wrong or out of line with your posting policies, and since you did this in reaction to an innocent comment that was on target and did not violate any of your commenting policies, I am not going to grace your blog with my presence for a while.

    After all, I could post this comment over there and watch you modify it to something unfunny yet again – or worse, to something unfunny you misspell and I have to correct in my next comment which then you erase to something unfunny.

    Just to point out how silly your reaction was and is, I don’t even know who Cole Krawitz is. I don’t visit your site enough to know who every new poster might be. Welcome him for me, but tell him to be careful lest someone alter his posts on a whim. What I wrote, as described above in comment 25 is perfectly clear and you could have asked before taking the hissy fit.

    I wonder whether you think the Shemirat Halashon sticker is something that applies to others and not to you.

  • One could argue, the accusations against Shlomo are at least 70% sketchier than the ones against Gafni. Partially because Gafni isn’t dead when the rumors start circulating, and also, because Gafni’s revelation isn’t quite as deep, nor his contribution to the corpus of Torah anywhere near as huge and important, although The Mystery of Love is a classic.

    For that matter, you could also argue that Gafni’s concious and subconcious romantic options where much wider from the beginning, than poor Shlomo, confused by internal and external religious policeman, watching his every step, it unclear who to defy and who to surrender before. So buttons.

    To tie it back to Matisyahu, it’s kinda sad that every Orthodox ideologue in crreation now has further proof that hugging girls only leads to abusiveness by religious leaders, andcan speak about how their idols would never fall prey to their own desires, and that it’s the only natural result of being out on the fringe. say it ain’t so Joe!

    It is a problem, who can teach women torah without secretly wanting all kinds of terrible, wonderful things to happen? Isn’t there a better way somehow that doesn’t make us run from egalitarianism and it’s temptations?

  • from matisyaho to mobi.. nice.. Does anyone actually like matisyahu? I dont know, to me he seems pretty out of tune. He seems tone deaf, and his songs are monotonous (is that how its spelled). I dont get the hype. just cus some guy with a beard gets up on stage, everyone is freakin out.. There were many before him that did it, and they actually had/have talent. So some explain what the fascination with this guy is.

  • His songs do sound alike. He is a player that is all. He plays at acting all cool and Jamaican.

    He gained his fame because of the curio factor, him dressing like a Hassid.

    Altho I do admit I have read on many boards that people do like his music. He is playing tommorow night at the Milkweg in Amsterdam, for all you wealthy volunteers.

    Personally after his disgraceful conduct w/ JDub, I lost all true interest. I will never listen to him w/ the same passion and intensity, because he betrayed himself as a true piggy slut, with no morals.

  • I see he does play during sefira after all. Why did I think he even practiced any form? any humility. What a piece of hypocritical human junk he is.

  • Okay, follow this one, if you can. Sting-> Matisyahu-> Conspiracy (not the band)-> Ignoring Conspiracy (again, not the band)-> Carlebach-> Matisyahu. Sure covered a lot of ground here, although I was kinda hoping you’d be able to bring up Leona Helmsley or Michael Eisner somewhere along the way. Just for fun.

    Thanks for staying away from the Kolko mess.

  • Yeah, he’s a “player” – who has managed to get praises to G-d played on the radio. Not “thank you Jesus”. Not gospel. But Hashem.

    I think he sucks as a singer, but as a fan of Ragga, Rubbadub and Dancehall, I can tell you he’s one amazing TOASTER (reggae –style rapper), and for his beat-box styling – respect to the maximum, y’all.

    My office mates at work didn’t know who the hell he was UNTIL he “sold out”, so I’m good with whatever he does, because it glorifies His Majesty. BTW, with as many Jews as there are in modern music – I can’t name a single one who put it out there like that (and they ALL do it for profit, duh).

    Poser, sell-out, not pious enough – whatever. What the masses “see” in him makes Jews look cool – and it’s about fucking time.

  • Really?! Matisyahu makes Jews look cool? Maybe now we’ll get invited to the raddest parties and that Baldwin on the football team will finally ask us out!
    I’ll take the Beastie Boys over Matisyahu any day, thank you, if it’s so imperative that Jewish artists shout their Jewiness from the rooftops. How is a song praising Hashem without any sort of subtlety or ingenuity any less off putting than the aural molestation that is/was Creed?
    Jobber, you sound like a scorned Green Day fan circa 1995. It must be exhausting being you. Just get over it already. You’ll probably feel better.

  • Duuuuude! You are sooooo right!! The Beastie Boys are SOLID, y’all! Adam “Who Loves ya Buddha?” Yauch and the Boyyyyys can lay down that bad ass shit all day long! “InterHalachic” was the shiznit! Yo I remember that show when Mike D’s tallit katan was all hanging out – and I was like SHAZAM!!!

    Hehehe. Naw, really, I AM a fan from way back – but check it: Being a Fun Lovin’ Bagel Humpin’ Burroughs Cranksta’ doesn’t mean anything if the kids don’t pick up on the cultcha. And c’mon, Adam loving a Chinese Buffet doesn’t say much about the G-d of Israel.

    Like Ragga – you gotta be proud of dem natty roots!! Wheel and turn again – flaaaaash it!

    See, it’s not the every Jewish artist should shout it from the rooftops, it’s that many of them simply assimilate and forget it altogether. I’m just glad that Matis (with every foible) is laying it out there. And here’s the clincher, if he wins a Grammy he will say “Baruch Hashem”, and for the first time in history more than a few non-Jewish kids watching it on TV will know exactly what it means. That’s cool.

  • Nah Green day suck. I’m mellow.

    Jewlicious writers are notorious ass kissers. It’s simply the media that can be brought to them, for the mere positive imagery.

    I play in different arenas so I can tell the truth that’s the only difference.

    People want to forget how he abused JDub, after they were the ones who made him successful. They pushed him into clubs when no one was interested, they coaxed and forced him to being playing again after he was not doing music for his one year in Crown Heights.

    Then he stabbed them in the back. And everyone continues to fawn over him.

    This idolation of singers is something of a golden calf worship if you want my opinion.

  • Also this whole his G-d stuff, his Hashem loves him or he loves Hashem. the we want Moshiach now, it is childish stuff, that gives religion a bad name.

    Jewish religion is about Chessed, what they call in Yiddish being a mentsch…

    If you have a choice between doing a Chessed or davening w/ a minyan, doing a Chessed wins out, every time. That is my Torah.

    I don’t hear anything from Matisyahu on real world Judaism, just the same mantras, and then how does he act, is my problem. He breaks a contract w/ his buddies who brought him up.
    Bogus.

    I haven’t heard one from him on that. It’s all about him. Now that is cool. Make whatever record you want, but having this affection and fascination for the same old songs, that is not me.

  • Fuck it. I like Matisyahu. I ain’t afriad to say it. He did a lot of good for a lot of people. There will always be playahaters with opinions. Who cares, you listen to what sounds good.

  • Well, I don’t adore Matisyahu, I just like his music and message (except for the don’t smoke dope part :)), and this comes from an agnostic, secular Jew. As a musician and a self professed music critic I can honestly say much of his music is written and orchestrated pretty well (“What I’m fighting for” gets the instant Next in my car, but the old stuff with the Yiddish themes is tyte) and I don’t see why so much criticism comes from his own peeps. Yeah, I was upset about the whole Jdub thing as well, but I wasn’t there to see what really happened and I can’t blame anyone for aspiring for success. Bottom line is no one is perfect and people do what they need to do. Not trying to argue the point, just don’t want you to think I respect an artist more than I like their music. For me its always about the music, until the artist takes a political stand that I don’t agree with (a la Roger Waters), at which point I’m like, “forget you and your music”. Thank g-d Zappa never sold me out.

  • Yes the don’t smoke dope part is interesting, yet he plays in Amsterdam tonite, and most of the groups he plays w/,most of the audience, is, are.

  • As to #27, which you so rudely edited…I have the power. So don’t do it again…CK, cause I know TM doesn’t have it like I do;)

  • Michael, do i detect, dare i say it, a note of enthusiasm about this concert? I ask because am almost certain that you couldn’t possibly be excited about a concert by an artistartist who has acquired “a Pavlovian fear of the sort of spiritually powerful, earthy reggae music that made him worth listening to in the first place.” and another who has gone downhill since he left his boy-band, could you?

  • This may seem out of character, I know, but I was being sarcastic. You won’t find me within 20 kilometers of the Ramat Gan Stadium on June 8th. Unless I decide to picket.

  • You don’t say! But i think you should go, you might enjoy it, or is that the problem. Worry not, you can get back to being your cool self when it’s done.

  • DK: With respect to comment #47 I didn’t alter your comment #27. As a general rule, we never alter comments. But that’s just a generaal rule. Sometimes we make exceptions in orer to make a point. Oh and themiddle eats his own poo.

  • There are not many things that justify going to Ramat Gan, least of all being to see Sting. Back when he was making reasonably good music and generally being a handsome prick, his moniker was somehow forgivable. Now he’s like, spiritual and repentant and shit, and charges people way too much money to hear his obnoxious chanting and adult contempo muzak and he STILL calls himself Sting. What part of that sounds like fun? Devendra Banhart in Tel Aviv? Now, that is something to get excited about.

  • really, Ofri, I was thinking the same. you cannot name one musician who hasn’t been changed by the fame and fortune. Their music sucks after a while. Simply bec. the raw need and talent is only mainfest when they are hungry.

    Once they became fodder for the media and all the ‘in on’ people’, they lose their edge.

    That is why I posted earlier how silly I find the adoration of musicians.

    It’s sort of funny how everyone always has some band they throw out there, that was never mentioned before, like this makes you cool. I am guilty of this myself so I am laughing w/ you.

    I understand it’s all entertainment for the masses.

    There’s just more interesting things to do than spend that type of money on concerts and booze.

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