jeremy_piven.jpgWelcome to the second edition of Single Semite of the Month. When was the first one? FEBRUARY. Make your own joke here about how hard it is to find a good single Jewish man around these internet parts.

The truth is, as readers of My Urban Kvetch know, Jeremy Piven’s been my main mensch for some time now. I’ve even put the rumors that he’s not so menschy in real life out of my maidel’s mind, because why wreck a perfectly good fantasy?
But I gotta hand it to Piven’s publicity team, who have been earning their money by pulling out all the stops and working the Jewish media machine for all its worth in promotion of the new bar mitzvah flick (how weird does that sound?) “Keeping Up With the Steins.”

The movie made the cover of this week’s Jewish Week, and Ha-Piven Shelanu, is the poster boy for the cover of Heeb’s latest issue. Profiles that prove just how Jewish Piven is have been popping up in the Forward and over at JMag, JDate’s attempt to provide relevant dating content to its rowdy, randy constituents.

Farbeit from me to attempt to convince you all that JP’s all that and a slice of brisket (not a skimpy slice, a good size slice, you know–a shtickle fleisch, not too lean, with just enough mustard to keep things sharp and spicy). Here are the vitals:

Name: Jeremy Piven

Hometown: Chicago

Current Place of Residence: Los Angeles, CA

Age: 40

Profession/Occupation: Actor

Assets: Looks good in a tallis, isn’t hiding the fact that he’s Jewish, knows how to hug it out (bitch), doting uncle, best friend is John Cusack, has been through his second Jewish coming of age ceremony for two fictional children in one year (Entourage/Keeping Up With the Steins), family Jewish connection (“My father has always been very religious and came close to being a Cantor or a Rabbi, but instead became an actor and he was always the one taking us to Temple.”–JMAG interview)

Why He Might Be My (or Your) Bashert: Good-looking, but not too good-looking. Knows what he wants in an ideal woman, and is fully cognizant that his expectations are probably unrealistic: “I do have an ideal woman. Someone open hearted and loving, self-empowered, smart, funny, sexy, beautiful. All of those things would be fantastic. Maybe like the body of Jessica Alba, the brain capacity of Stephen Hawking… Maybe that’s why I’m still single.” (Gee, ya think?)

Why He’s Worth Getting to Know Even if He’s Not My (or Your) Bashert: Nominated for a Golden Globe, he took his mother to the awards ceremony. Aww. (Even though I offered to be his date. Go figure.) And because he’s bound to realize at some point that people who have bodies like Jessica Alba’s generally* don’t develop minds like Stephen Hawking’s.

*Generally. Don’t anyone talk about how Natalie Portman went to Harvard or Julia Stiles went to Columbia or how Cindy Crawford was her high school’s valedictorian or nothing. Cause we ain’t talking about them, got it?

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Esther Kustanowitz

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  • I’m kind of just waiting for Jeremy Piven to come out of the closet and break my heart. I’m glad Entourage came along, not because it’s brilliant and Jeremy Piven is the most brilliant one in it, but because he can now play someone other than John Cusack’s best friend. From what I can tell, though, this bar mitzvah flick just has him playing a less HBO friendly version of Ari Gold. Poor guy.
    I nominate Andy Samberg for single semite of the month. He’s so adorable. Not sure about the single part, but whatever.

  • Esther, either this guy plays for the other team, or I need to get my gaydar into the shop for a serious overhaul.

  • I went to high school with him – (was friends wit his sister). In the 90’s he showed up at a club my swing band was playing with a supermodel. I REALLY doubt he’s on “the other team”…