Lindsey_Vuolo_01.pngIf you exist, let Muffti have a million dollars and a night with Lindsey Vuolo (Jewish girl!). Or one of the two. Or suitable alternatives. Or anything that suggests you aren’t just a figment of the collective imagination.

Damn, didn’t work again. Is no one distressed that this trick never ever works???

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  • Muffti: Drinking and blogging do not mix! Curiously, Lindsey Vuolo was the November 2001 Playboy Playmate – the first one to openly flaunt her Judaism. That would explain your interest in her. She attended an Orthodox synagogue while she was active with Playboy and has denounced intermarriage.

  • I find it interesting that the wikipedia article says that “she denounces intermarriage despite being the product of a mixed marriage herself.” If her father converted, is she still considered to be part of a mixed marriage? I thought not.

  • You damn fool – I’d like to slap you upside the head! Real women do not look like this. It takes a team of professional make-up artists and hairstylists, cameramen, lighting and photoshop/airbrush professionals to make anyone like that. There was a show on TLC called “covershot” where they took bagladies off the street and made them look like that. She’s wearing fake eyelashes, had her lips filled with collegen and her hair dyed. I didn’t see the Playboy spread, but odds are there was some plastic surgery involved somewhere. Given, she probably had more to start with that others.

    Now, if you take this woman to Plifton and put her in the black snood the women were around her coupled with no makeup and the same black winter coat, black skirt, black tights and black boats that the women all wear, I don’t think you’d feel the same way about her. I don’t know why women from ages 16-99 all look like Italian widows around here, but that’s what’s going on. Then, after nursing 5 kids in 5 years, what do you think those breasts and that stomach is going to look like? And then you would expect her to “chase you around the kitchen table” when not in niddah while chasing after 5 kinderlach…keep dreaming! If you don’t realize she’s an illusion then you are deluded.

  • I have just completed a four year analysis of all the men I’ve met or communicated with online. 1 out of every 10 is still online with his “let’s chat” balloon blinking. That means that every time I felt inadequate or not “Vuoloish” enough IT WASN’T ME — it was them. The plastic surgeon, think tank director, investment banker, numerous attorneys, entrepeneur …all of them still blinking, with two exceptions: the Kosher 52 year old with strange culinary tastes and one very hot Army reservist.

  • Yes! This is Truth! Listen to her!

    In general, studies say, people hang out best with folks analogous to themselves, with the same scores on a list of Personal Qualities such as hotness, richness, youngness and blah blah blah.

    Good-looking, witty people are an immense pain in the weltunschaun. Somebody real is much more fun. Forget being entertained!

    You have to hear the sixty-cycle hum of the machine, when it isn’t doing anything in particular. Who IS this? you should ask.

  • The secret of life is laundry. Whose socks do you want to wash? Who would wash yours?

    The rest is pick-up basketball. Fun, until dinnertime. Then it’s “gotta go now.”

    If somebody is willing to wash your socks on an ongoing basis, and is not in that business for a living, it does not matter what they look like, wear, cook, read or drink. They mean business about you and are not seeing you as entertainment.

    We should not look for entertainment in our fellow man. We should go to the movies, read, or watch TV when we want entertainment. Or go to the zoo or the park or a museum. Something like that.

    People were not put on earth for the amusement of the neighborhood.

  • JM-
    Dear, go take your meds…maybe sprinkle some anti-psychotic in your tea.

    It is a big mitzvah to always be happy, which means enjoying the pleasure of the company of others.

    I send my laundry out. For $7 bucks a load the nice hispanic man washes, dries and folds it beautifully..and when I’m not satisfied with the way he does it, I’ll move on to the next laundramat…if we speaking in allegorical terms.

    And frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn about the “neighborhood”, especially one whose members seem quite bored, quite pale, quite repressed and borderline dead to me.

  • Errr…Chutzpah, Muffti thinks you guys got hung up on the wrong aspect of what was clearly a light hearted post. Muffti well knows the airbrushing techniques etc. that go into creating a fantasy. What Muffti thought was cute was the parallel between fantasy woman and fantasy God.

    But glad you had a chance to rant.

  • Yes, sex without love is an empty experience.

    But, as empty experiences go, it is one of the best.

    (Woody Allen)

    Sorry, couldn’t help myself.

    In all seriousness, it does torque me off to no end that the Wikipedia entry says she’s the product of a mixed marriage. No, she is not. Both her parents are Jewish.

  • So…back to the topic. Why doesn’t God grant us our wishes all that often? Why does he let bad people prosper and evildoers destroy good lives. Why does Harry down the street have a million dollars while Joseph also down the street is drowning in debt? Why does Hugh Hefner get to…uh, never mind.

  • Um, Muffti, I am not much of a literalist, but I thought this was one of the obvious citations, like didnt [the name] basically say, after producing the nice bonfire on command for Elijah, okay, no more tests! (Mt. Carmel I think?)

    And, uh, I don’t think you were looking for a perfect recipe to make hundreds (guessing) of women feel really inadequate, but maybe ya found one.

    Doubly ironic with your post’s placement just above one written by a woman who manages to look elegant and savvy and (dare I say) kinda sexy just holding some random item of produce!

  • Well that was a bit peppery. But possibly in a friendly way.

    Middle, the standard answer I heard is that all prayers are answered, with either, “Yes”, “No”, or “Not Yet”.

    That some prayers are answered “Go ask Voltaire” is not mainstream opinion.

  • JM said: Well that was a bit peppery…

    Sorry, did you mean my comment? Any tactlessness came with definite friendly intent, yes… gotta be nice to my fellow ivory-tower-dwellers, esp. because (unlike GM) I don’t yet have the degree.

  • No, I meant Post 9 was peppery. But you sound nice too.

    I don’t like the sound of “yes, but”. There is just “yes to this” and “no to that”, sometimes in rapid succession, but it’s not “yes, but”. G-d is very smart, not wimpy, doesn’t weazel, and never runs out of bandwidth. Needs a whole lot of bandwith, but fortunately, has a lot. That is as good a definition as any other. The ultimate immense bandwidth.

    Now let’s see what GM makes of that.

    LirotTov, you are an academic too? How do you stand it? If you see GM would you feed him some tea?

  • Yes, or becoming one. Clearly, part of how I stand it is by leaving slightly obtuse and terribly earnest blog remarks.

    Your Voltaire line definitely brightened (or chortled =-) up my day, so thanks!

    And I’d be happy to offer some tea to GM if he comes to lecture at my school.

  • You have heard of Voltaire.

    SHE HAS HEARD OF VOLTAIRE.

    And she can laugh about it.

    That is SO COMPLEX!!!

    She isn’t weeping! What is she, stupid?

    Can’t be, she has heard of Voltaire.

    A younger version of me? Gevalt. One Pollyanna around here is enough.

    Maybe she is twelve years old and advanced for her age.

  • GM – G-d does want to reveal it’s allmighty self to you through your aspirations. But G-d’s kinda like a genie in a bottle. The trick is you have to ask the right questions. You don’t ask G-d for a night with this woman. You ask G-d to allow this woman the blessing of being allowed to spend a night with you. You don’t ask G-d to let you have a million dollars. You ask G-d to let this woman give you a million dollars to spend a night with you.

    Because G-d respects those who respect themselves. G-d respects a Muffti with chutzpah. Or a Muffti with Chutzpah. Probably moreso JM might say. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • (If he marries her we are going to make him get down on his knees and write on the linoleum, in chalk, ten times, “prayers are too answered, prayers are too answered, prayers are too answered”.

    And then, “G-d has a sense of humor, G-d has a sense of humor, G-d has a sense of humor.”)

    Ha ha ha ha!

  • Heard of Voltaire, yes, though before today’s visit to Wikipedia I had not known he was a racist antisemite…

    I laughed because of your truly clever phrasing, and I have also cried over the number of people who still haven’t gotten the point of the pre-battle war scene from Candide with the opposing chaplains each invoking a blessing on their army… I was over twelve (14 or 15) when I read that, and I don’t know whether I’m younger than you or not.

    I’m older than Michael; sometimes I’ve wondered if you might be a particularly clever (Zooey of Franny and Zooey-style) projection of Michael’s, which you should simply take as a compliment to both of you.

    But anyway, yes on Voltaire, also Moliere [who I did previously know was a jerk]. On my shelves I have books on polyfidelity (West) and on running a trad. Jewish household (Greenberg), but currently practice neither, other than lighting imaginary (landlord-approved) candles.

    What other books would make you laugh? Am tempted to ask what you majored in…

  • Lirot Tov, you’re right! Muffti didn’t mean to make anyone feel bad. Appologies to the ladies; Muffti love you all.

    JM, Muffti has no idea what you are talking about it but he likes the way you say it. And ramon, thanks for the advice. BUt Muffti just tried it and he’s still po’.

  • Thanks Muffti, I needed the rant and feel much better now.

    Back to the thread…is God a fantasy? Well, in my fantasy of Him he is wearing magnificant sequins and gyrating his hips. Then he beats the living hell out of my x and carries me away from the land of black snoods off to his glorious Palace (which is most likely in Vegas)….

    But seriously, looking at my children I know that God is real and not a fantasy. It’s just that his communication network is highly unrealiable. Probably run by overworked and underpaid Angels who were employed by the U.S. postal service.

  • you may be pushing your luck, but maybe Lindsey still has some playboy money floating around which she would happily give up for a night with you…..

  • JM, a “Yes, but …” or “No, but …” answer is not wimpy nor weasel. As Ramon pointed out, G-d leads you to asking the right questions.
    I see a “Yes, but …” answer a lot more educating than a “Yes, here you go, dude, thanks for asking”.

    What’s wrong with being an academic? Did I miss something here?

  • Michael’s Projection here. GM, what is Lirot Tov right about? (post 28). She doesn’t seem to feel bad.

    The real question, is what kind of tea is she offering GM? Caffinated? Decaffinated? You can’t be too careful these days.

  • Muffti just wants to know: JM, is ‘tea’ a euphemism?

    Finnish, let Muffti be clear: GOD, Muffti will make it easier on you. You can give him the woman OR the million!

    Still nothing!

  • GM: No.

    See posts 19 and 21.

    G-d knows that you don’t need either a model or a million dollars.

    G-d is handing you a cup of tea.

    Maybe while waiting for the model (narrow-eyed and scowling) or the million (oh stop it) you could use a hot drink and some little toasts with jam, or anchovied cream cheese, on them, just to tide you over.

  • Do you expect the Angel Gabriel to flutter down in robes with a tray?

    Don’t you know the story about “I SENT you a raft, I SENT you a helicopter!”

  • Middle, Kant dealt with your questions (@13). It’s precisely because there’s no cause-and-effect relationship between virtue and payoff that we are not dogs begging our master for treats, but persons required to make moral decisions on their own terms, with no assurance of reward.

    Now, this site is an odd place for converting folks to Christianity. Verily, the Lord works in mysterious ways. So here goes: each time I’ve wanted to get laid, I prayed to God beforehand. Without fail, He has answered my prayers, seeing me through to what Ken Starr called “completion”.

    And I confess plainly– without Him, I have absolutely zero chance whatsoever of getting laid.

    Voila. He exists.

  • I honor Christianity and think it is true, too, for Christians. Not for us Hebes, because we enter the Holy City, so to speak, through a different gate.

    That is build-up for: Your excellent we-are-not-trained-dogs remark has its source in Jewish thought, and Chassidic thought. Which is fine. Oops. Maybe I should say, “has an exact counter-part in” instead of “source”. I am not bragging about who said it first, because I am above that kind of tacky competitiveness.

    Anyway, we agree with you.

    No need to convert anybody, in either direction.

    But you are you, and we are we. We can converse with each other over the divide, and even pitch each other cups of sugar over it, if we have a good pitching arm (my father sure did) but, as the sun sets, we say friendly goodbyes, and repair to our own fires.

    I have no problem with GM learning truth from a Catholic. As long as he learns it. It will become Jewish truth when it gets into him. Or when he finds it inside, which is more accurate. But you are welcome to teach him. While he waits for the floating tea tray, when a perfectly drinkable cup is available.

  • Now, now, Tom, Muffti wasn’t complaining that he wasn’t getting laid, just that he wasn’t getting laid with this particular woman or other “fantasy” women. This should be instructive to you because it means that even a Jewish atheist gets laid without saying any prayers. Thus, perhaps you should consider our faith…

  • Tom doesn’t need your permission to teach GM anything, Jewish Mother … it’s time that you get off the high tree that you are climbing

  • Kudos on the the baseball metaphor, JM, which this Sox fan is always up for. ‘Jewish atheism’ now under active consideration (thanks, Muffti). Anything to jump-start the social life.

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