As Jews, we are the beneficiaries of a well developed body of laws that help us govern almost every aspect of our daily lives. These rules and regulations provide us with guidance in our quest to lead good lives and have been developed over the course of thousands of years by our wisest sages. But even the most brilliant Jewish lawmakers could not easily have envisaged the technological advancements that we take for granted today. Ubiquitous connectivity allows us to communicate instantaneously with each other from almost anywhere in the world. This definitely has its advantages, but in some cases, like at the intersection of technology, personal relationships and etiquette, sticky situations might arise which no Talmudic scholar has ever had to deal with.

Now some of you may not know this, but I am a Rabbi and also the head of my own Jewish denomination – the Temple of the Ephemeral Jews. I am also clearly very tech savvy and as such, I am well positioned to offer guidance when modern conundrums arise that may not be covered in say, the Shulchan Aruch. Like say, what do you do if you’re like, dating someone and one day you realize they’re just too heavy, too demanding and you want to break up. However, you don’t want to have a long annoying conversation about it, you don’t want to deal with tears and anger and resentment and recriminations etc. You just want to get it over with as quickly as possible. You may be tempted to utilize the “text message breakup” whereby you simply send your soon to be ex a text message to their cell phone letting them know that you are no longer a couple. Seems like a good way to go, right? Wrong you fucking coward – here, allow me to illustrate:

You will definitely never get laid in this town again. Now some might say that such an injunction may indeed be found in the Torah. For instance, it states “thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself: I am the lord.” (Leviticus 19:18). Hillel, a very famous Jewish sage, stated that “What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow man.” Clearly, if you would hate being the recipient of a dreaded text message breakup, then it follows that you ought not send one either. But I realize that people are sometimes stupid and need things spelled out for them. So… no text message breakups allowed according to Rabbi ck. Are we clear? Good!

See you at our shabbes services next Tuesday! Or not.

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About the author

ck

Founder and Publisher of Jewlicious, David Abitbol lives in Jerusalem with his wife, newborn daughter and toddler son. Blogging as "ck" he's been blocked on twitter by the right and the left, so he's doing something right.

9 Comments

  • I agree. Can we push it one step further and say NO FUCKING EMAIL BREAKUPS EITHER?

    Pretty please.

    Leah

    P.S. Comment breakups are A-OK in my book.

    P.P.S. CK, it’s over between us. Hope you know I enjoyed our time together.

  • If someone broke up with me without a face to face conversation, I would count my lucky stars I dodged a bullet. Life is full of hard moments and I don’t need a run to mama wussbag in my life. I need someone who faces the music.

  • Uh… just for the record? This has nothing to do with me personally. I was not the recipient of a text message breakup, recently or ever. I just needed an excuse to post the hilarious video, and tie it into something Jewish. Rabbi Yo called me up and told me that in fact this situation can be addressed by traditional Judaism and I was all “duh!” I KNOW! I Just wanted to post the vid!

    As for you Leah – whatever biznatch. I’m so over you anyway. Besides, remember those pics I took over that weekend? No of course you don’t. You were uh… tied up. I’ll always have those to keep me company at night if you know what i mean.

    Tiff: Yes. Very weird.

  • Weird…and also kind of AWESOME. Where the hell did you find this? Who did it? Is that Margaret Cho???

  • I was teachin’ you to lay somethin… yeah. Lay.

    OK. Maspik. Have you and dede been in touch? I am waiting for my shared Google doc!

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