Let me begin with a todah rabbah for the pardon! The hospitality in your jail has been fantastic. The stipend you paid my ex-wife was nothing short of generous, since it allowed her to continue her activism on behalf of freedom fighters like myself. It was, furthermore, wonderful to be treated to an education at the Open University. I’m sure that my degree in Social and Political Science will make me a better and more effective representative of my people.

I have to get one thing off my chest, however. I am being exchanged for two dead bodies? Seriously? Olmert, Peres, I know you guys don’t like me but this is downright insulting. Let me remind you, I heroically shot a man in the back and smashed open a 4 year old’s head with the butt of a rifle. I earned all that street cred as a jihadist but to you guys I’m only worth two dead soldiers? What am I supposed to tell the ladies? ‘No, seriously baby, I’m a badass. The Jews are just bad negotiators!’ Who is going to believe that one? I mean, how many babies do I have to kill before you are willing to at least trade me for the living???

But I guess it’s a positive development: I am sure glad that we won’t have to resist the temptation to kill your captured soldiers anymore…

In case you are curious about my plans, they are pretty much summed up in my letter to Nasrallah. “I give you [Nasrallah] my promise and oath that my only place will be in the fighting front soaked with the sweat of your giving and with the blood of the shahids, the dearest people, and that I will continue your way until we reach a full victory.”

So with any luck, I’ll see you guys again soon.

Samir Kuntar

Latest posts by grandmuffti (see all)

About the author