oh sachaQuite possibly the stupidest blog post EVER written

The postponement of Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher’s nuptials generated a ton of responses ever since the story was first broken by The Daily Mail. One response however, stands out as about one of the dumbest things I have ever read on the Web. And I read a lot of dumb shit. Witness this response by Evil Beet who penned this moronic missive for Film.com. Titled Isla Fisher Would Rather Be a Star Than a Jew, Evil Beet, who is apparently a Jewess wrote:

Ugh. I had to go to Hebrew school (in addition to regular school!) for YEARS when I was a kid so that I could become a full-fledged Jew and then spend the majority of my adulthood attempting to explain to my mother that, yes, Judaism is nice and all, but Jewish men are skinny, short and/or nerdy and I don’t want to go out with them, Mom, even if you are going to pay for the JDate subscription, and yes, Mom, I know there are lots of nice Jewish boys in Los Angeles and maybe if I went to temple more often I’d meet some of them but, see, let me reiterate, Mom, that I don’t really want to date a Jewish guy. Sigh. I kind of represent the reason that old Jews are sad about my generation of Jews. Mainly, we want to date anyone other than our fellow Jews. All that Hebrew-learning, wasted. If I could just hand it over to you, Isla, I would.

Heh.

Anyone know any tall, hot, ripped, funny, smart and awesome Jewish guys living in Seattle

Jewish men are skinny, short and/or nerdy? WTF?? I know I don’t want to date black women because they smell funny and their butts are too big. I don’t want to date Asian women because they can’t drive and they are passive in bed. I don’t want to date Russian women because as soon as you marry them they get fat and spend all your money on spa vacations with their Mother. I don’t want to date Latinas because they’re loud and if you get into an argument with them they will cut you in your sleep. I could go on and on, but the fact is that if I did know a tall, hot, ripped, funny, smart and awesome Jewish guy living in Seattle. I’d tell him to stay the fuck away from Evil Beet because clearly, she is a moron.

I’m 6’1″, loaded with degrees and am known to be funny from time to time. As such, I feel qualified to pass this message on to Evil Beet, on behalf of all my “skinny, short and/or nerdy” Jewish brothers: Evil Beet? I have this to say to you. Why won’t you take my calls?? I promise on the next date I’ll pay for everything this time and I will keep my calculator at home. Also, I’ll try hard not to regale you with my amazingly long list of allergies and ailments as well as an item by item description of my Star Wars mint-condition figurines collection. We’ll do something fun too – not a JDate Party, maybe a non-Woody Allen Film or something. So, you know, call me! OK? Seriously. Call me. Any time. Operators are standing by.

UPDATE: OK so maybe Evil Beet isn’t a total tool. Witness this sensitive post on the evils of drug addiction which ends with a plea for a prayer for her friend. And this post on the High School Musical 3 Trailer is admittedly pretty funny too.

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About the author

ck

Founder and Publisher of Jewlicious, David Abitbol lives in Jerusalem with his wife, newborn daughter and toddler son. Blogging as "ck" he's been blocked on twitter by the right and the left, so he's doing something right.

17 Comments

  • My tall, gorgeous, incredibly smart and funny Jewish husband is the best thing that ever happened to me. AND his ongoing list of ailments, love of prune juice, and encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek facts actually make him funnier.

    Evil Beet doesn’t know what she’s missing, which works out well for the rest of us who do appreciate what we get.

  • This is a distinctively American phenomenon: fear and loathing of the familiar, perhaps with the added frisson of cultural transgression. There are many, many folks here who are smitten by the Other– Jew, gentile, typical white person, whathaveyou.

    Give our postette credit for a candid (if oddly Vesuvian) expression of that sentiment.

    And if anyone knows a single Italian girl who can cook, let me know.

  • That’s ambiguous Morrissey: you mean does anyone know of just one Italian girl who can cook or do you mean an unattached Italian with culinary skills?

    And Muffti has to hand it to CK. This is a pretty stupid blog post.

  • It’s no time to be picky for yours truly, Muffti. I’m almost willing to take an Irish chick.

  • That Evil Beet sounds seriously bitter throughout her posts. If she were my sis, I’d know what to say. ๐Ÿ˜€

    Tom, have you ever considered taking cooking classes? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • froylein, if I went to cooking class and actually learned to prepare food, it would undermine the ‘save me from myself’ theme I try to strike with women (albeit with zero success so far)…

  • The ‘save me from myself’ line will get better than 0 success in your case, Muffti thinks, if you didn’t use it as an opening line as in ‘I’m Morrissey, please save me from myself’. So far as Muffti can tell, women that want to save men from themselves only want to do it insofar as the man doesn’t realize that he needs to be saved from himself. After all, if you are in it for the fixing, you want a challenge not a someone who is looking for help!

  • Hmm… the trick is, if I follow, to make women believe they know better than you do. Even if, as usual, we men stay two or three moves ahead of them at all times.

  • Wow. That was a pretty impressive display of stupid and bigotry.

    I bet she thinks Asian men are born with an innate mastery of tae kwon do and have their own Gundam in their garage too.

  • I read in the January 6, 2009 edition of the Jewish Standard (New Jersey) that she underwent an Orthodox conversion. As an Orthodox convert myself, I find it hard to believe that she underwent an Orthodox conversion. No self-respecting Orthodox Rabbi would convert a person they know will not observe mitzvot and if they did convert her knowing this, her conversion wouldn’t be considered valid anyway; thus, she and Olive would NOT be Jewish. The article is below:

    Fisher is Kosher

    Beautiful Australian actress Isla Fisher 32 (The Wedding Crashers), and British Jewish comic actor Sacha Baron Coehn have been a couple since 2000 and they’ve been engaged for five years, but they still have not set a wedding date. In October of 2007, Fisher gave birth to the couple’s daughter, Olive. For years now, Fisher has been reportedly studying to convert under Orthodox auspices, but the status of her conversion has not been clear. Fisher finally clarified matters in the February issue of “Allure” magazine, “I converted as of two years ago. It is always repored that I am still studying. So I am either the slowest studier in the world, or I have, in fact, converted. I never saw it as a losing or gaining situation, just an embracing situation. I think if one wanted to be buried next to one’s beloved and they were Jewish, then one would have to be Jewish, too.” Fisher added that she took the Hebrew name Ayala (“Doe”). It appears that her conversion was completed before Olive’s birth. So Olive is “automatically” Jewish.

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