If Don Draper Were a Jew…

There has been speculation since the dawn of the rise in popularity of the hit show Mad Men, that the show’s resident heart throb and protagonist, Don Draper is in fact Jewish. Since not much is known about Draper’s past, the rumors continue to ebb and flow. Season 1 had Don paired in a rather serious dalliance with a Jewish heiress to a successful retail chain. While the jokes and cultural bites ensued, it didn’t seem to get us any closer in revealing Draper’s potentially semitic routes.

So in this vein, I’d like to scribe a ditty on the theme of “What If…” In this case, relating to Don Draper being a Jew (Read the title of this post, people!). Hey, if Beyonce can make everyone in the universe question  if [she] was a boy and sprout herself a new identity practically overnight, Don Draper can sit at the Shabbos table, say the motzi, and break bread over Manischewitz. Don’t see the correlation? Reinvention! That, and I think these bullet points would be far more effective if sung to the theme of “If I Were a Boy.”

If Don Draper were a Jew…

• He’d still be married to his shiksa wife, Betty. Let’s face it. She’s every Jewish boy’s wet dream. And yes, it makes us Jewish girls a bit verklempt to say that.
• He’d feel a bit guiltier about his infidelities and go kvetch to his rabbi and unload his guilt more often. In fact, he’d be so wrought with guilt, there’s a potential he might not be able to get it up. In which case, they’d have had to rewrite all of the show and come up with at least 20 minutes of new material, per episode.
• He’d go to such great lengths to hide his Jewishness that he might be guilty of making the worst anti-semitic slurs at his ad agency, Sterling Cooper, just to overcompensate. Well, that, and he wouldn’t be having the extra-marital affairs to offset all his angst, just fueling the fire.
• He’d fantasize about Joan more often – She’s the comely, fiery broad in the office with all the right curves and just the right amount of cynicism to make her razor-sharp retorts that much more stinging. Of course, some of Don’s fantasies would involve her telling him what to do and a strap-on.
• He’d drink far less alcohol and spend less time inebriated but he might still act drunk just to keep up appearances with his work buddies. He’d keep an extra fridge in his office under his desk for the extra hummus that he illegally imports. This is the 60s after all. Hummus is his secret vice…and something he could never readily explain away to his pedantic peers. This also helps to explain why he often smells of garlic and chickpeas.

Lastly, can someone from FunnyorDie.com contact me about my idea to do a video short on this theme? I have some pretty bitchin’ ideas about this. And it’s gotta be better than the Alicia Silverstone – Alanis Morissette short, however cute they both may be.

Mad Men airs on AMC at 10 PM ET on Sundays. For a teaser of the Mad Men Season 3 premiere, go here.