So says Rabbi Eliyashiv, a litvack rebbe, in response to a question by a yeshiva student. The Rabbi ruled that
…it is best not to wear Crocs shoes on Yom Kippur even though they are not made out of leather and, therefore, would seemingly be permissible for the holiday. His reasoning behind the ruling is that they are too comfortable, and thus don’t provide the level of suffering one should feel on the holiday.
As if being stuck in a hot, crowded room with a bunch of people who haven’t brushed their teeth or bathed isn’t suffering enough? What next? Will Jews have to crawl to the synagogue on their knees and utter a “Hail Mary” after every step they take? Oh wait. No. That’s the Catholics. But whatever, close enough!
But I’m no rube. I wasn’t born yesterday. I can read the writing on the wall. The name of the game is more and more chumras (stringencies) and baby? Business is booming! As the Chief Rabbi of my own made up denomination of Judaism, the Temple of the Ephemeral Jews, I’d like to one up Rabbi Eliyashiv. I declare that no only are Crocs unacceptable on Yom Kippur, but from this day forth Crocs are unacceptable ALWAYS. They are a blight on God’s creation and an offense to mine eyes. Whosoever shall wear Crocs shall be immediately smitten by a swift kick to the buttocks delivered by mine boots. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. This rule does not apply to kitchen staff who, while at work, are on their feet all day and constantly shmushing around in grease. It also doesn’t apply to Jahne, pictured on the right posing with a giant Croc in Hell Aviv, because, well, because Jahne can do no wrong.
Anyhow, have a meaningful fast and if I have done any of you wrong this year, well… you probably deserved it. But I am nothing if not magnanimous, so I forgive you all. Except for you. And you. Both you stupid fuckers are beyond redemption.
Oh. One last thing. Just in case Rabbi Eliyashiv has any litvack mojo super powers, let me make it clear that he did not ban Crocs. He said they were permissible but that it would be better not to wear them. I don’t think that counts as a chumra. OK. Peace out brothers and sisters!
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