From Lisa Goldman on Twitter yesterday, I learned that Ikea was not delivering furniture to Arab towns in the West Bank while continuing its delivery services in the Jewish settlements.  However, there is also Ikea in Wahabi anti-Semitic Saudi Arabia. This prompted me to ask myself, is Ikea furthering the  Zionist apartheid agenda? Or is Ikea simply paying lipservice to the Israel but quietly supporting the murderous Arabs by arming them with assemble-it-yourself Kalashnikovs?

I did a close analysis of Ikea’s furniture selection to see if I could figure it out.
The BESTÃ…/FRAMSTÃ…/INREDA storage system
Verdict: pro-Israel

This convenient and sleek modern storage unit is extremely reminiscent of the Israel apartheid wall and therefore was directly designed to rub salt into the wounds of countless Palestinians who cannot leave the West Bank in search of neither their own assemblable FRAMSTÅ, nor the orange rug that so deftly complements it.  Rumor has it that the FRAMSTÅ system was developed in coordination with Shin Bet to make it easy to place small video cameras in its plentiful and customizable nooks and crannies to spy on anyone who might dare to erect it in their ancestral home.

The LACK side table
Verdict: pro-Palestinian

This side-table,  light enough to put in any location to accent a room, is also, unfortunately, light enough to disassemble and throw not one but four legs AND a sturdy top at any young Israeli soldiers that may be patrolling in the area.  In addition to being excellent replacement material for small sticks and stones and sure to leave an even bigger impact on the face or groin area, this table also too efficiently converts into a  bonfire to idiotically burn any nearby Israeli flags and ALSO comes in different colors so color-savvy terrorists can paint it depending on their affinity for either Islamic Jihad or the Al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigade.

The MALM bed frame and SULTAN HAGAVIK mattress
Verdict: pro-Israel

How do the Israelis sleep at night as the Palestinians continue to suffer in their Ikea-less existence?  Quite well, with the Malm modern and posturepedic bed frame and the Sultan mattress which allows air to flow through the springs so that the bed is always cool, particularly in the desert heat.  As a result, each Israeli soldier and government official is well-rested and ready to pounce at the slightest stirrings from the West Bank or a cough heard in Gaza City.  It is rumored that ultra-right wing Prime Minister and his murderous Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman Netanyahu have five of these between the two of them.  The bed, with its unfortunate ease of assembly and portability fits into any small Israeli apartment built on Palestinian land, and, once worn out, easily can be disassembled sent to the territories to build more illegal outposts.

The SLIPAD knife block
Verdict: pro-Palestinian

From the description, it appears that these knives are bread and paring knives,not the sharpest in the tool shed.  But combined with the Hamas-colored cook’s knife and the fact that they are highly portable , as well as the low barrier-to-entry price, they become a lethal weapon that is easy to distribute (and clean after each successful stabbing).  Was Ikea specifically thinking of arming the flotilla with these weapons, to use to make delicious deli sandwiches, then to harm unknowing Israeli soldiers?    The fact that they are made of stainless steel sure seems like it.

The final verdict?  Hard to say.  Since Ikea might be either/both pro-Israel or pro-Palestinian, or, even worse, neither because it has no political agenda and simply does business in countries where it is economically viable for it to do so,  if you are of either vein, I would suggest divesting of any baubles you may have bought there at once.  I, for one, will be burning all of my billy bookcases effective immediately or until I can find a replacement for how convenient they are. Whichever comes first.

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  • Very entertaining read, Vicki. Spasibo for the chuckles!

    BTW, if you get an IKEA membership card (it’s free), your furniture is covered by their insurance for free even if you transport it yourself plus you get select items up to 40% off (different ones every month). Nu, who likes a good deal?

  • Bizarre. So many layers of satire here, it’s not quite clear which side you’re on either. Brilliant. The Palestinians are clearly angry about not getting their Daim chocolates as well, for that matter.

  • Very Dave Berry-like and funny. Subject is very sensitive; that brings another question to mind : is OK to laugh when we talk about something very emotional, deep, very fatal and tragic like Israeli – Palestinian conflict ? Jaroslav Hasek did it in his Good Soldier Svejk; I think we, Jews, although tend to be melodramatic about everything related to this conflict and everything anti-semitic , also are more capable to laugh about it. I wish Arabs were less fanatical and had more sense of humor; I believe it would eventually led to conflict resolution, or at least less tension….

    • You’re a bit of an idealist. There is no conflict resolution with a people whose holy book and entire religion are based around hate and the desire to annihilate Christians and Jews. Read the Koran and the hadiths and study the precepts of Sharia law. You will come to see that there is no resolution, not now, not ever.

  • I think IKEA is anti-quality and pro-eurotrash-style. But funny article nonetheless.

  • Ikea Israel is an israeli local franchise and belongs to one of Matthew Bronfman’s holdings here in Israel.
    Bronfman also tries to get the bid for a future palestinian Ikea franchise in the Shomron and Samaria.

    • That will still fuel Norway’s economy or rather a Nazi sympathizer’s coffers.

  • Now this is only a rumor from Twitter rantings, but someone implied that Ikea founding leadership included a Nazi. Would someone please verify if this is true or crazy talk. Love their affordable furniture, but . . . If this rumor reflects Ikea’s history, what about now? What are the leadership or connections like now? Anybody?

    • He still holds connections with extreme right racist political parties in Sweden. He’s only sorry he was exposed.

  • hello, i need help! Can anybody tell me how to say I LOVE IKEA/HOME in Yiddish? That will mean a lot to me! Thanks in advance for everything!

    • איך ליבע יקעאַ / היים

      Transliterated into English that would be Ich Liebe Ikea/Haym

      Why does the Moroccan Jew have to answer these questions???

  • You people joke about how you are apathetic and IKEA is convenient. It’s revolting. Ingvar Kampard was a Nazi sympathizer and continues to hold connections with extreme right wing racist political parties. IKEA is a tax scam. Look into it. They’re thieves. They do business in many Arab countries, so the best method of punishment would be to let all Muslims know that IKEA is doing business in Israel and let the Muslims pressure the Nazi to close those stores.