It’s just hours (ok, days) till Shavuot begins.  Are you ready to stay up all night learning while shoveling a 50 foot wide cheesecake down your throat?  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you’ll want to read the Idiot’s Guide to Shavuot.

Here’s a short sample:

Agriculturally, Shavuot commemorates the time when the first fruits were brought to the Temple after a grueling three-day uphill journey in the desert heat. Unfortunately, Fresh Direct had yet to open their Jerusalem branch.

It is noteworthy that the holiday is called the time of the giving of the Torah, rather than the time of the receiving of the Torah. The Jewish sages point out that we are constantly in the process of receiving the Torah, that we receive it anew each day. This presents an excellent excuse to extricate oneself from any situation:

Wife: “Honey, Rivka invited us to go to see “The Notebook” rereleased in 3D this evening.”

Husband: “Sorry, I have to receive the Torah tonight.”

Wife: “Hmm…that’s what Rivka’s husband said too.”

Here’s the whole thing.  See you on the other side!  (By the way, there’s a massive all-night Shavuot party at CK’s place and you’re all invited.  What, he didn’t tell you?  Just come over, tell him I said it was ok…)

Chag sameach!

About the author


Since making aliyah in 2006, Benji Lovitt has spent roughly every waking moment doing one of the following: trying to make people laugh, eating chumus, or writing about chumus to make people laugh. In addition to working with tons of Jewy organizations to promote Israel, Benji has performed stand-up comedy about Israel for groups including Hillels, Birthright Israel, Jewish Federations, and of course, at Jewlicious Festival. His perspectives on aliyah and life in Israel have been featured on Israeli television and radio and in publications such as the Jerusalem Post, Haaretz, and the Jewish Daily Forward. It is said that every time he calls CK "Mr. Jewlicious", a tree is planted in the Jewish National Fund forest. For a hilarious comedy show, contact him at [email protected].