First of all, what the heck am I forgiving you for? Something you may have done inadvertently against me? Forgiveness requires repentance, so how can you sincerely repent over something you don’t even know you did? I sure as heck have no idea what you may have done against me and if I did know, the tone and timber of this conversation, and maybe my fist, would be of a very different caliber and quality. Did you borrow a book from me and not give it back? Then give it back you asshole! Did you talk smack about me behind my back? Then apologize to me and beg forgiveness from the people you spoke to for exposing them to Lashon Harah. Because again, forgiveness requires sincere repentance and restitution. Without that, there’s no forgiveness. No sign up in the Book of Life for you. You can pray to God all you like, starve yourself on Yom Kippur, walk around in a dehydrated haze while Shofars blow all around you. God will forgive you for accidentally turning on that light on Shabbat, or for watching too many episodes of Orange is the New Black instead of doing something more productive or spiritually fulfilling. Yeah. God in his all merciful glory will but I won’t. I can’t! Don’t you see I’d just be enabling you? If you don’t think, I mean really think about what a horrible person you really are, how on earth will you ever change? I’d be condemning you to a lifetime of being the evil little twerp that you are. Believe me, this hurts me more than it hurts you – setting aside your status in Olam Habah of course. With all those horrible things under your belt you’ll be lucky to be a turd covered toadstool in the Afterlife. But I digress. Please use this time for some serious introspection. Have a couple of shots of something strong while you’re at it and gather the courage to own up to yourself and to others the fact that you’re a sinful little jerk.

Gah. I can’t do it. I don’t want you to be a turd covered toad stool in the afterlife on my account. So here goes: “Dear God. Please forgive this little shitheel for anything he may have done advertently or inadvertently against me. Please let the spirit of your mercy wash over this sinner and ignite the inspiration that will lead them on to a better path. Seriously God, ok? I couldn’t take the guilt. If you didn’t want me to be such a wuss, you shouldn’t have made me Jewish. Ok? Ok! Thanks!”

There. You’re good. Have an easy fast. But I still want my damned book back!

Hope you enjoyed that video of “Save Me From Myself” by Israeli songstress MC Karolina. Below is the Studio album version – it’s more atmospheric than the very cute live version above.

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About the author


Founder and Publisher of Jewlicious, David Abitbol lives in Jerusalem with his wife, newborn daughter and toddler son. Blogging as "ck" he's been blocked on twitter by the right and the left, so he's doing something right.