The Day Lil Dicky Dodged a Bullet

“Molly” is Jewish rapper and aspiring model Lil Dicky’s latest video. It’s actually pretty clever – at first you think Dicky’s about to get married, but once the scene shifts to the Wedding itself, it soon becomes clear that Molly is an ex, and she’s marrying someone else, and Dicky’s still carrying a torch for her. Obviously Molly’s groom looks a bit dorky and that makes the whole thing that much more tragic. Dicky raps and mopes throughout the video, while Brendon Urie from Panic at the Disco! sings the emotional chorus. Very sad.

But then there’s something else one can’t help but notice… Lil Dicky’s been pretty outspoken about his Jewish identity. He’s rap battled Hitler, offered sound financial advice, and philosophized on the use of the term “kike” in a video that featured gangbangers in a synagogue and twerking babes adorned with Menorahs and flags of Israel. That’s pretty darn Jewy. And yet, it’s pretty obvious that Molly isn’t Jewish given the complete absence of kippahs, chupas, Rabbis and joyous chair dances at the wedding.

It’s clear Lil Dicky dodged a bullet by not marrying Molly. Not because she’s not Jewish. Not because interfaith couples have a significantly higher divorce rate. Not because only 33 percent of the children in households with one non-Jewish spouse are raised Jewish. Not because most children of intermarriage have been found to not identify themselves as Jews (38 percent of the teens identified as Jews if just their mother was Jewish, and only 15 percent if their father was Jewish). No, not because of any of that stuff which you’re not even allowed to talk about anymore these days lest you be branded as “intolerant” or lest you piss off leaders of our Jewish community, many of whose children and grandchildren are in interfaith marriages.

No. Lil Dicky dodged a bullet because its obvious that Molly’s pert little button nose rests atop what is unequivocally a “Bitch Face.” Sure she looks all fresh and young and soft and pretty now, but based on her bone structure it’s clear that soon into the marriage that lovely smile will be replaced with a permanent scowl. She will spend all of her husband’s money, fuck the pool boy, be generally disparaging and make his life one long, miserable and hellish nightmare. This is all a scientific fact.

Be happy Lil Dicky. Be happy! Shalom.

P.S.: Molly is played by model/actress Isabelle Loeb and she does not in fact have any sort of “Bitch Face” – resting or otherwise. Also, she’s probably Jewish or at least Jew-ish. Not that that matters.