So I turned 50 recently and I noticed something. People kept on congratulating me, with extra emphasis, as if I had actually achieved something. You now like I had won an Olympic medal or published a book. I guess it’s because I have reached that age where people are surprised that you are still alive. And when people say “you look great,” you know what they really mean is “you do not look like a fat pig.” So I decided to come up with a list of things about turning 50, but first some random thoughts.
If we say “Shabbat Shalom” all day on Shabbat, then shouldn’t we say “Shalom Shabbat” once it’s over?
If we sing “Ki Va Moed” (here comes the holiday) at the start of holidays like Pesach, then shouldn’t we sing “Ki Halach Moed” (here goes the holiday) when it ends?
During the week I like to sing a song I wrote called “I love you oh Shabbos.” Well I wrote the words, but the music is from the song “Tomorrow” from the musical Annie. It goes like this: “Oh Shabbos! Oh Shabbos! I love you, Oh Shabbos! You’re never more than 6 days away!”
So this girls tell me that she’s a vegan, but she eats eggs as long as they are free range. I told her I understood because I am a vegetarian myself. But I eat eggs and fish and poultry and beef. I just don’t eat any meat from an animal which does not chew its cud and has split hooves.
My brother is an Episcopalian now. He’s a vegetarian, but he eats fish.
On the Corona Virus — these might be too soon, or too late depending on how you look at it:
I am so behind the times. I just tested positive for SARS.
What’s this new Novel Corona Virus everyone keeps talking about? Is it any good? I have no time to read. Does anyone know when the movie is coming out?
Does anyone know where I can get tiny masks? My cat just sneezed.
Top Ten List Of Things at Turning 50:
Young Israelis all call me “A’ba’le” (pops) now.
I can still squat down to pick up something. It’s getting back up that’s difficult.
No hair any more means saving money on hair care products.
Your stomach feels like its Pesach all year round.
Get to yell at young people to quiet down when they talk in shul.
Get to suffer from new ailments all of the time.
Don’t have to give my seat up to old people on the bus anymore.
Get to now yell at rude kids “You young whipper snappers” while shaking my fist in the air.
Forgetting things frequently, like how to count to ten.